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In their cheeky new book, America But Better, Chris Cannon and Brian Calvert catalogue the many benefits to the U.S. if the 'Canada Party' were to capture the presidency. True, the two nations have skewed notions of each other – but that's nothing a little municipal matchmaking can't resolve. Vancouver, meet San Francisco.
From the book, America, But Better. ©2012, by Chris Cannon and Brian Calvert. Published by Douglas & McIntyre an imprint of D&M Publishers. Reprinted with permission of the publisher.
Reducing the political divide between Canada and the United States would be pointless if we didn't also address the cultural divide.
Just as children must learn to share their toys when they live in the same room, our nations must learn to share their urban spaces when they team up to be the best damn country Jesus and Santa Claus ever imagined.
We propose integrating American and Canadian cities to form somewhat virtual megacities, largely connected by the Internet, high-speed rail and a vague sense of something familiar off in the distance.
Although tempted to pair cities using the "odd couple" plot device (the Chinatown of the North meets the swamp people of Florida), we opted instead to create positive partnerships that contribute to the nation as a whole.
VAN FRANCISCO
City motto:Prohibere faciens me furere (Quit harshing my mellow)
Biggest import: UV lamps
Biggest export: Synonyms for "wet"
Imagine the power of combining San Francisco's caffeinated, tech-savvy hippies with Vancouver's outdoorsy, weed-savvy hippies. Interstate 5 would become the world's largest bike lane. Facebook would stop trying to improve itself and "just be grateful for what it has." Granola would become a verb. Ultimate Frisbee would finally be considered a sport.
This new breed of super-hippie would consolidate North America's sense of righteous indignation into a single, uniform voice for oppressed people no one has actually ever met. Berkeley would establish its long-awaited "Department of Simpsons References," and "Mr. Plow" would become the school fight song.
A well-funded system of communes would shelter the entire homeless population, where they would find meaning and personal fulfillment turning unused city plots into organic crack farms.
QUEBOSTON
Population: Who's askin'?
Sports team: The Rouge Sox
Official food: Anything fried in sugar
Quebec and Boston, two cities where visitors can't understand the locals, now one city where the locals can't understand the locals.
The inevitable French-New England patois of the clashing tongues would inject fresh DNA into the stilted Northeast vernacular, producing such sweet, nasally phrases as "pahk le cah dans Hahvahd Yahd." What could be more sing-songy than a redneck Frenchman with a Cambridge accent?
(In technical language, a spontaneous pidgin hybrid would emerge from combining the largely feminine "capital dialect" of Quebec French with the overt masculinity of non-rhotic Boston English. In layman's terms, Noam Chomsky would shoot himself in the face.)
DALGARY
Known for:Convict Coliseum, a reality show combining executions and rodeos
Biggest import: Buckle polish
Biggest export: Global warming
The inevitability of the Keystone XL Pipeline connecting the vast, oily Alberta tar sands to the vast, oily average Texan makes this megalopolis a no-brainer. Dallas is often called the "Calgary of the South," or the other way around, we're not really sure, but they are definitely the "each of each other."
Fortunately, "Big D" and "Big C" are practically connected already, as the interstitial states of Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska, Wyoming, and Montana are little more than places where cars broke down on their way to one of these two fine cities.
Once they are physically connected by the pipeline, Dallas and Calgary will find much in common, from their Museums of Denim to their comparably small populations of frightened homosexuals.
NEW TORONTO
Longest season: Humidity
Official animal:The purse dog
Official song:We Will Rockefeller You
Toronto has long held itself up as a modern hub of global enterprise and cosmopolitan culture. Once we fuse the "Gateway to Hamilton" with New York, this attitude will finally be justified.
The most significant change for New Torontonians will be in marrying the two massive theatre districts – already among the world's largest – into one streamlined operation. To this end, all major stages will show the same play, a work of literary genius that combines each country's most popular musical into a single production: Cats of Green Gables. Current Toronto thespian Ian Ronningen will star (in every production) as the Canadian orphan mistakenly adopted by the U.S. Legislature, where he lives out his days watching congressional pussies urinating all over the legal process. (Tickets cover the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge!)