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Johnny Depp stars as 'Charlie Mortdecai' in Mortdecai.David Appleby

There are mustaches and then there are mustaches, but Johnny Depp's in this hair-brained caper comedy Mortdecai doesn't tickle a bit.

In the classic Pink Panther films, the bewildering accent of Inspector Jacques Clouseau is a source of confusion and comedy. But the 'stache gag of Mortdecai limps rather than runs. Depp plays Charlie Mortdecai, a Brit-twit bon vivant and art-world wheeler-dealer. Gwyneth Paltrow (excellently evenly) plays opposite Charlie as his much better half Johanna. So put off by her husband's handlebar, she gags whenever they attempt to kiss.

She reflexes for all of us.

Plot-centred on a long-lost Goya painting, Mortdecai is adapted from Kyril Bonfiglioli's comic thriller novels. In an early scene, Charlie is paid a visit at his country manor by Ewan McGregor's forgettable Inspector Martland, who, once inside, reaches for what he thinks is a superb vintage. Unbeknownst to him, Charlie has set him up with plonk instead.

In the same way, the producers of Mortdecai have substituted high camp and lowbrow for quality, banking on a lower class of viewers to build a franchise out of Depp and one of his deep-in-imitation characters. Where the actor stole the soul of Keith Richards for the blockbuster Pirates of the Caribbean series, here Depp appropriates the gapped teeth and an excessive aristocratic accent from the comic British actor Terry-Thomas.

Problem is Depp isn't all that funny, and the script is tired. Ethnically stereotypical bad guys and coarse sexual innuendo – Charlie, who owes £8-million ($15-million) in back taxes, had no idea how deep into the Queen he was – abound.

In the end, Mortdecai is something of a forgery – hang it on the wall and hope no one notices. In a Peter Sellers's market, masterpieces are hard to come by, but we needn't settle for a Depp in second-rate form.

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