Television can be an illuminating experience; the stories we watch are not mere opportunities of plot and spectacle, but reflections of ourselves, and the human plight. And so, we offer these lessons from The Real Housewives of Vancouver (season one):
1. When a program warns viewers of “mature subject matter,” take it with a grain of salt. It may in fact be very immature.
2. When a woman says she traded being a singer for being a mom, but her music “career” took place largely in the 2000s – and her kids are teenagers – something might not add up. Maybe it’s the new math.
3. Silicone breast implants will not freeze in a cold sauna.
4. Some people are so drunk with an overflowing bank account and time on their hands that they may actually think it’s a good idea to poke fun at alcoholism by calling a brand of wine “Rehab.” Such a person may have herself been to rehab, and may have since stopped drinking, but not before embarrassing herself weekly on national TV with sloppy, slurring drunken episodes.
5. $35,000 is not a lot to pay for a horse. Especially when you can find a new boyfriend or ex-husband to buy it for you!
6. Repeat after me: Jody and Mia Claman are Jewish, and their boutique the Glass House does not sell preloved goods.
7. The whale-sperm facial is a far more natural-looking option for facial improvement than whatever cosmetic procedures Mary and Ronnie are undergoing for their eyes and lips, respectively.
8. You can have the means to build a 15,000-square-foot megahome on 400 feet of West Vancouver waterfront property and still not know the difference between “your” and “you’re” in your text messages.
9. There’s no bully scarier than a middle-aged bully.
10. With The Real Housewives of Vancouver the highest-rated series in the history of Slice, it is clear: We will watch anything.
The season finale of The Real Housewives of Vancouver airs Wednesday on Slice at 10 p.m. ET/PT. A two-part reunion show airs June 27 and July 4. Season two begins shooting in July – sans Christina (according to a source very close to the show). Lock up your handbags.