The Obituary for Hilda X Box 360

Army Wife, 20/05/08 at 9:27 AM EDT

Dec. 26th, 2006 to May 15th, 2008

Hilda passed away on May 15th 2008. She met her demise at the hands of a child who wanted to go on yet another adventure. Hilda was born in December of 2006. During her short life she was always up for a challenge and ready to play. She was always there when needed, whether for fun or to just relieve stress.

As much as she was loved, there were days when her power cord was hidden so she could get some rest. (I hid the power cord in a closet). Those days caused a lot of strife in the family.  On several occasions after midnight, Hilda could be found having "special moments of time" with my husband. I would put my wedding ring on top of Hilda's game console. As well, I would place a set of pillows and a blanket next to her.  I was trying to make the point that I thought my husband was spending too much time with Hilda, but my husband ignored my blunt attempt at getting his attention. Thus, in the end, Hilda won and my husband would keep on playing with Hilda.

Although I held no love for Hilda, I acknowledge that she brought fun into the lives of my husband (TOO MUCH) and joy to her young sons. Hilda will be GREATLY, GREATLY, GREATLY missed and mourned by D. and missed by E and C.

Although I will not mourn the loss of Hilda, I'll  have to live with and deal with my gaming husband's stress over losing his mistress.
There will be a private family funeral at an undisclosed place. Flowers or money can be donated in memory of Hilda X BOX 360 to the charity of one's choosing.

(D., we can return Hilda for a new X BOX 360. We just need to send the old one to Microsoft and I hear the turnaround date is quick. I have researched this so you WILL HAVE A NEW WORKING X BOX 360.  I will wait until you get home. I am sorry but I really did try hard for the boys not to break any of your game systems! Like last tour, I failed you in this matter and again I'm really sorry. But at least this one can be replaced! And this time at least I wrote a proper obit, which I thought would be a funny blog post -- although I know you don't view it as funny at all.)

Hopefully you still love me.

Your worried wife

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No greater guilt have I felt before as a military wife

Army Wife, 11/05/08 at 10:36 AM EDT

Well this letter is full of guilt, remorse, what if's. I came to the decision with you to finally "ring the bell" or in English terms, I have asked for you to come home early from this tour!

My health is only going downhill and test results like the CAT scan show "accidental findings" which leads to other investigations that are now pending. I have found out that my surgery will be in June. I am feeling like my health is sinking and though I have no control over it I feel as if I am in the wrong because I "rang the bell." I can't recall any time in my life admitting defeat and ringing the bell to have you home by my side to help ME! Never mind that civilians think that military men/women are tough ones and can put mind over matter and get on with whatever "tasking" they have in front of them. Anyone in the military is made of tough stuff and compassion. I just never thought as YOUR wife that I would ever request to pull you from a tour for ME. That is one huge pill to swallow (still trying to swallow it).

I know you have called me and have assured me that by "ringing the bell" I am not a failure to you. I have had our family, friends and even other military members say the same thing but it all falls on deaf ears! Your unit's NCO was and is still great in all that he has done for our family in your absence. He has guided me through the process I have had to take in all of these, but most of all he walked through it all with me, never once leaving alone. He also reassured me time and time again how I wasn't to feel so bad or so wrong about having requested that you come home! I feel sorry for him for having to listen to me asking him the same questions over and over again! I was worse than a broken record.

As I am writing this I am waiting for your almost daily phone call, once again letting me know what is going on with you and your assurance of how you're still okay with coming home having not completed your tour! Like I said, I will believe it in two months times when you're still holding me in your arms telling me you love me. Your response to that comment was for me "to go ahead use the yellow pages and call a divorce lawyer but you'll refuse to sign the papers because you are gonna be around for another 98 years to happily, lovingly torment me." Ok, I laughed at that one.

We married "old school" military and have lived our married life like that. Sure, I have grumbled but I was still happily married and used to taking a back seat to the army! Now the military has changed and they say "family first." When I first heard that statement, General Rick Hillier came to my mind. He has been one of the most influential military members to bring the military family to the forefront. I have read that he will be coming to our base in the latter part of the month so I look forward to meeting him again in person! Anyways, I think the old-school military way and so I have a hard time getting used to the new change of "family first." To me, it wasn't like the old way was a bad way either. We both know for one how much the military has helped our family in the past with various needs that have come up. Some of them have been huge requests, but for our family's privacy, I will not go into details.

A couple of days ago when you called and we talked about you possibly coming home you told me for the first time in our 10 years together that I came first to you and you were behind me 110 per cent (110 per cent I have heard before) but you actually told me I was FIRST! When I pointed out that, I had never heard you tell me I came first, you seem so surprised. Within the first two hours of meeting you I knew how army driven you were and that you were/are a career soldier! When you are gone to work, you work but when you are home, you leave work behind. I have always known your priorities were soldier first, father and husband second! You balanced both worlds rather well. Sometimes it has come with a high cost but we have faced that "cost" together. I have lived our married life being a mother first but I have always put your career before myself. I got so use to that kind of life to now have it suddenly change on me brings guilt, remorse, feelings of failing you and our family, but most of all perhaps disappointing you!

I have such a hard time coming to grips with me requesting that you come home and feel such a huge responsibility not only to you but also to your unit. If you come home, they will have to replace you and I know when replacing a soldier no matter how good that soldier is trained (for the soldier will be well-trained and prepared) they are not the same soldier they worked with side by side or lived with side by side for months on end! Your unit will feel the impact of your absence. As well you are taking a huge risk that if something should happen to any of your men you will always think, "if I were there could I have changed something" and I have to live with that risk as well. There will be such a mental toll on us both but you would carry the burden of it. So when I made the request I took into consideration not only myself but also what future consequences there maybe for you and your unit.

Now that I have totally babbled here I am sure you can imagine what the poor rear party NCO had to listen to. Not that he complained once although I am sure any other human would have - lol.

I love you D and whatever the near-future holds for us, we will face it together: the good, the bad and the ugly.

B.Y.A.H .S

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What language do our children speak????

Army Wife, 05/05/08 at 8:13 PM EDT

Our boys talk in a language that I don't understand!! It is video game talk to me, like some foreign language they made up! Both E and C are carrying on this conversation and I could not understand most of it. All I could understand were the words “find, hide, did you get, and run away.” It was weird to listen to them. I just sat here pretty much speechless. I had to look around my room and make sure I was not dreaming the whole thing up. Oh yeah the thing I shall forewarn you about before you come home is that C wants to change his middle name to Sponge Bob and he is totally serious! You better not make a joke about this and encourage him to think that is it something he could do! I refuse to have my child think that it is ok to change his middle name to Sponge Bob. C thinks there is nothing wrong and is convinced once he has your approval we'll change his middle name!

Ok I know you won't believe me but I have video proof of it!!! Last night E walked into my room with an armful of his goodnites diapers and I am talking a HUGE pile both his arms were wrapped around them! E looked at me with a straight face and told me his “bad dreams did this” (let me point out E says the bad dreams DID IT not how the bad dreams made HIM do it. E took no credit for the act the bad dreams did it all by themselves) I am trying to think how can such a young child 1) carry so many diapers 2) OMG what did you do now? E sits down on my office chair and goes on to explain how “the bad dreams were under his bed and then shook his bed then the bad dreams made a mess”!  As you know well I give E butterfly kisses (my eyelashes batting gently against both is cheeks) every night so he won't get bad dreams! Therefore, I asked E if I give him butterfly kisses how it is that he gets the dreams. E told me I did not give him enough because the bad dreams also messed up his room! Well I am sure you can imagine the dread I was feeling at this time and the horrible thought of just how bad his room was. I got up to look and sure enough it was what one would declare a national state of emergency requiring evacuation!!
I still do not know how I remained calm without one minute going from laughing my head off to the next minute wanting to faint in shock!

Funny though as I am witnessing all of this and listening to E you were totally on my mind! I had this picture of you standing behind E and trying best not to let your 6'3 frame shake so hard while holding in your laughter and then me pointing to you to leave so E doesn't think what he did was so funny it should be repeated. I know if you were home I'd have to follow you to another room to laugh while E was cleaning up. But I would also be telling you to stop laughing and that we needed to be serious as I didn't want E to repeat this action that would only make you laugh so much harder tears would pour down your cheeks. I'd end up leaving the room to check on E and make sure he is cleaning up because I am the only one who can compose myself long enough to make sure E completes his task.

Needless to say I informed E since butterfly kisses didn't seem to work to keep away the bad dreams I couldn't give them to him anymore! E was actually speechless.............until he figured out a new excuse! E informed me that maybe I should add a few more butterfly kisses and that would work to keep the bad dreams from making a mess! Therefore, when I finally finished tucking him for the 5th time (the 4th time was BEFORE the mess) I gave him a few extra butterfly kisses and sure enough this morning his room remained clean!

Oh, God how I wish you were home last night so that we could have laughed together and then gone to bed just to retell the story again to each other. We would laugh so hard we would be crying! It is times like this I really miss you! I'm glad that I have it on video so I know when I see you we will watch it together and then we will laugh, but it will not be totally the same.

I think that I found a good way to take the all the stupid medication and still function! If I can suck up the pain for a good part of the day and then finally take something for the pain in the later part of the evening. I tried it and I actually had a really good night last night pain wise I felt almost normal like my old self. I felt so good that I wanted to start getting things done that I haven't been able to do for quite sometime but of course Pat is right there telling me to just relax and don't do anything just enjoy the almost pain free time.  She was right and yes I actually did listen I know you do not believe that part but I went to bed and watched a movie then fell asleep! I am still hoping to get my day surgery done before you come home for HLTA. I did drop a huge hint at when I was at the surgeon's office!

I miss you so much I wish you were home to share our daily life with our children: the good, the bad and the ugly! I feel I have finally come to the point where I am no longer holding any more resentment. It has taken me longer to come around this tour then last. Then again, I was pretty naive one your first combat tour in 2006. I am more at peace, happier, and I guess the best word to describe it all is settled!

I Love you more than all the feathers on all the birds in the whole world!!!

B.Y.A.H.S (I added the S and it means safely)

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Sad to see your parents go

Army Wife, 03/05/08 at 1:16 AM EDT

May 2

Well your parents left yesterday morning and I couldn't write to you I was upset with them leaving. Upset in a good way if you can call it that. I was sad to see Mom and Dad leave as having them here is like having a huge piece of you close by. You would be amazed when you come home how much work Mom and Dad did around the house inside and outside. Mom and Dad didn't stop working from the second they woke up to the second they went to sleep. Mom and I usually at the end of the night had a date night we watched a movie together before bed. We got "Pat" moved in actually I shouldn't use the we word at all I did nothing accept watch everything for a while. It was hard to watch everyone work and all I could do is sit there and not move or help. It was almost like torture! I did get to do one thing and that was to phone the moving company and talked to them about how they packed Pat's items. It was worse then any move I have ever seen and we have had more than our fair shares of moves over the last 9 years. The packers basically just threw any items they could grab and threw them into a box. Pat was in tears and I can't blame her for all the items that she had broken some of them older then our house!!! It was an insured move thank goodness so at least some items will be covered!

Well as you know I saw the surgeon last week and so I will be going in for day surgery some time in the next 6 weeks. Talk about it being fast! I am really impressed with this new surgeon he is very kind and his bed-side manners are beyond words. Mom thinks he suspects something but he didn't say anything. Nevertheless, I do feel that I am in great hands and we'll find out our answer soon enough! I know you have offered to come home and I have told you many times that I wish for you to stay and continue with the tour. It will do you no good to come home at least not for me personally because we both know how bad a patient I am. That is why Pat moved in to help. Everyone who needs to know in your unit knows and will take any actions accordingly depending on how my health situation goes. It is not as if I am at home alone raising our children without help. In fact, I would say we are better off than most in this situation, since I have live in help. I know that I made a huge mistake by trying to keep information from you but I have learned from that mistake. I have also completed my CAT scan so we'll find out the results shortly!

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You and your mom have powers beyond my understanding

Army Wife, 23/04/08 at 9:11 PM EDT

I am wondering how you are doing in Afghanistan now. I am wondering if you are still peeing into a plastic pipe and doing a #2 in a garbage bag as well as getting your once in-a-lifetime shower in. It never ceases to surprise me that you had better living conditions 2 years ago then you have now. It also amazes me how I know more about what is going on over there then you do. You weren't even aware of the fact of General Hillier, who I know you greatly admire, is set to give up his CDS posting. I know you were upset when I told you and you didn't actually believe me until I emailed you the article from the Globe and Mail! I know how much General Hillier means to you and how much pride you had when he "coined" you. Some people back home don't seem to understand really what harsh conditions you and the other soldiers who live beyond the wire really live in. I can probably go blue in the face saying how proud I am of you and the other soldiers. You all know what the conditions were going to be and yet you still volunteered to go over there yet again.

Our children are adjusting to life without you but it has been harder this time. E needs a daily dose of Daddy so I print off pictures of you from last tour to help him. I wish you could send some recent pictures home. The brief letters you write do help them but only for a while. Mik has more ups then downs now. But thanks to you allowing her to get another horse has sure cheered her up. Funny how it is that I am here and you are over there thousands of miles apart and yet you still have the power to veto a horse or not! You're not even here and all the children make me ask you if they can or can't do something. Of course it has to be a major thing so you are still a part of our daily lives even though we are not under the same roof.

I wanted to bring up one point that we had in a conversation. You told me that being in Afghanistan "you have learned to appreciate the children and I more". You probably did not realize that the statement you made angered and hurt me. Perhaps it is just you being a man but for me every time I turn over in our bed and I open my eyes and see you there I appreciate you more. I do not have to go away to feel it. It is true we have spent more time apart in our marriage then we have together under one roof. One would think with every absence I would get used to living alone more but I do not. The way I see it being a military wife I am luckier than a civilian wife. When you're gone I learn to love you deeper and love you in a stronger way. Take for instance last tour. When Canadian soldiers were dying monthly and the numbers were climbing up, I knew very well you were in the fray of battle. My sense of love for and my sense of wanting to let you know how much you meant to me not only as a husband, father but also just as a person grew so strong that I was begging God to let me have that chance to show you how much you meant to me! I was among the group of wives who had their husband/soldier come home so that we could let you know how we felt!

You still take care of me when you are in Afghanistan. When you found out from our daughter about my health you phoned everyone on God's green earth to make sure that I got the care that I needed but was too stubborn to seek out myself. Now your Mom and Dad are here and you made sure someone moved in with me until you completed your tour even though you offered to come home. I said I would kick your butt if you came home. Thank you for helping me when I refused to help myself. I just did not think I was that bad and I could soldier up. I know by not telling you it was the worst thing I could have done. I assumed that if I told you it would only worry you and there was not a damn thing you could do about it. Well you have proved me wrong on that and in the end I made it worse for you. You did do something and put our emergency family plan into action. I know you are ready to come home if I wish it I also know you will come home if I don't wish it. But please believe me when I say I'll be ok and that the military did do a great job of making sure that we did have a "family emergency plan" before you deployed.

Thinking about all the planning that we as a family had to do before you deployed still blows my mind. For example writing out a media statement in the event of your death. I remember writing that while you were sleeping in bed a couple of days before you deployed. It felt wrong to write out a media statement kind of like I was cursing the mission or something. To write out a will, what you would wear at your funeral, where you would be buried, how you would like your funeral service to be like to even if there were any family members that I would feel uncomfortable with. You even wrote your own media statement in the event of your death. When it was all said and done, there were 11 pages of information. We even wrote about how our children were to be notified in case I couldn't tell them myself. We had to write it down one child at a time and how best to approach each child on the news. All of this information is in a plastic cupboard over the stove in the cabinet so if the AO comes to our house they will know what to do and who to contact! By the way I never open that cupboard and I pray that I never have to. I hope that you will come home and we can burn it together and roast marshmallows over it. Perhaps in another blog I will list the questions for any military wives out there who don't have it.

Well anyway, today the Warrant, aka my mother-in-law has let me actually sit on the computer and even venture out of my room. I see the surgeon on Wednesday and I can assure you the Warrant will be with me the entire time. I love her but I cannot get away with a thing with her here at the house. Hey maybe by tomorrow she let me outside on a short leash!!! I thought I was being smart when I snuck out of the house yesterday. Mom and Dad were in the backyard with the boys MiK was on her laptop lost in the internet world so I figures the coast was clear. I get dressed and took the truck to the movie store to rent a huge amount of movies to keep me at least occupied while on bed rest. Well I wasn't even gone very long I sneak back into the house and thought that I was in the clear. I am back in bed in pj's and Mom comes into my room. WHERE DID YOU GO she says ever so sternly and I am freaked thinking how does she know I even left. She refuses to tell me other then "she just knew." My goodness the woman has eyes everywhere. I double checked when I came into the house to make sure she hadn't moved from the backyard and sure as anything she and Dad were still out there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I tell you your mom has powers! So needless to say I have now lost the truck keys and the tricycle is also gone so I am out of luck for sneaking out of the house again LOL LOL.

Anyway the warrant wants to tackle underneath our bed! I asked her if she was insured, just in case and made her sign a waiver!

I love you more than all the leaves in all the trees in the entire world!

B.Y.A.H

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The dogs write to their deployed Dad who is in Afghanistan

Army Wife, 21/04/08 at 4:50 PM EDT

April 15, 2008

Dear Dad,
MooMoo and I thought we would finally get our female human off her computer so we could finally write you and let you know we are still alive............As I was cruising around her computer I found out some interesting facts....

Here are some of the the things she is writing her husband about us:

What was I thinking when I offered to house sit the dogs Sir and MooMoo? Yeah ok Sir breaths down my neck but now has gotten into the habit of sleeping on his back spread eagle so I am hit in the back, head, and my legs. Unless I curl up and sleep in a fetal position. MooMoo snores worse then you and then pants half the night shaking the bed! Ugh I want a bigger bed then our king size. Do u know if they sell King size plus plus? It is still a nightly battle to get them off the bed so I can at least claim one corner! I have had to ante up on the bribes there as well. I offer them pig ears! Trust me they smell horrible and then I have to listen to the crunch crunch for about 20 mins! But as we both know I love the dogs and having two ones that are more pony then dog does fill that big empty gap in the bed! At least they are softer then you and do listen a little better.

Here is what I found in her second email:
MooMoo has the habit now of pile driving Sir into my sleeping body at night! I am so not impressed. What the Hades do the dogs think they are doing playing at 3am! I actually got body slammed out of my bed last night! Ended up hitting my head the mini shelf Mik made in school. I am ready to board them in a horse barn where they will have their own stall and daily turn out ha ha.
Needless to say I kicked them out of my bed and made them lay down lay on their own beds on the floor. I managed to get back to sleep only to be woken up with Sir breathing in my face. Both MooMoo and Sir snuck back into my bed last night! How I did not feel them climbing over me to get onto the bed I do not know perhaps it was an effect from hitting my head on the shelf! I think the dogs are plotting against me ha ha ha!

Now her 3rd email:
I tell you MooMoo and Sir are not good movie companions! MooMoo would start panting every time I would start to tear up and Sir would do his usual backstretch and nail me in the head. What happened to the cuddly dogs that would lay there and not do much except lift their big heads up occasionally? Well after the movie, I let out MooMoo, Sir, Ziggy, and Bing for one last call of Mother Nature before bed.
Well wouldn't you know that earlier today we had built snowmen in the backyard -- 4 of them and we were so proud of them too? I will tell you one thing when the children wake up tomorrow they are not going to be too pleased. I am so glad you taught them that golden rule "don't eat yellow snow."
As I am standing there watching the dogs go about their business they all ran for the snowmen/and they ALL took their turns "christening" our snow people. The dogs did such a good (I use that word very loosely) job that it looks like they lit up the snowmen with a bright golden colour. I could see it clearly from 100 ft away!
I told you the dogs were plotting against us! They had to go and wreck our snowmen ha ha ha. If only I had a video of it you would be laughing until the day you come home!!! Now I have to figure out away to "clean up" our snowmen before the children discover their work of art has the added touch of 4 dogs call of mother nature on them!!!! I am thinking of knocking them down very early in the morning and saying "they wind knocked them down." I just know E will be crushed that his snowman's colour is yellow not white!!!
I guess that is my payback for keeping the dogs inside while we were building snowmen outside. Only reason I did it was that Ziggy would not let us build anything she was jumping up and crushing everything we started! That is what you get from a puppy!!! I am making the dogs get up early with me and they can help break up the snowmen dang it Zippy better put in some overtime to help!
Well I have to get to bed it is late here and early for you! I still have to get out the pigs ears and toss them across the room so that I can at least get onto the bed and claim my little corner before the dogs get back on!
I am telling you Dad don't believe everything u read here as I think she likes to make up the stories to make her husband laugh!!! Don't worry about us we know we have our female human wrapped around our paws! We know what makes her happy and we know when she is upset and so we cheer her up! We have a daily routine now and we have nothing to complain about except that she sleeps in OUR BED and takes up room in the bed that I can personally use as I love to now sleep sideways!
 Sometimes our female human talks to us -- not that I can really understand all that she says but nonetheless we talk back when a reply is needed, although I don't think she can understand us! I think I hear her saying that we all were going into the city to get a shave and haircut!!!!! Something about us losing tons of hair on the bed and carpet............our human female is now even on some medication because of our hair although she told us something about the Dr wanting her to have us sleep somewhere else besides her bedroom to which she replied "heck no that is never going to happen I need the dogs with me." But from what I can see the medication our female human is on is WORKING so at least now she can breath better at night! Besides once we are groomed down to our spring coats it will be much much better for her too.
Anyways Dad my paws are getting really tired here so I better go. Sorry it took me so long to write to you but I promise now to at least write you once a week. Let us know if you can receive pictures! We miss you and hope all is well.

Love Sir and MooMoo

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Another blog

Army Wife, 21/04/08 at 4:39 PM EDT

First posted 01 Apr 2008

Well you are finally in a "place" we were can have contact of some sort. Although our communication is not the greatest considering how many there of you and what little you all have to share. Losing your phone card did not help either! If it wasn't for a fellow soldier you wouldn't even be able to even call home and say HI. Tell him I can't thank him enough for sharing his phone card! It reminds me of what Crack did for me on Easter morning.

Easter your mom did this year. She went and did all the shopping and then shipped it to me via greyhound! Well the night before Easter after our little bunnies were asleep in bed I sorted and organized everything. I am really glad mom sent extra this year as our "adopted" daughter was here as well! When every bit of chocolate was sampled, oops I mean to say sorted, Mik and Mel hid the eggs around the house and I finally went to be stuffed (what and how much I ate is not going to be mentioned here). The next thing I knew I hear Crack and Thump cheering and running amuck around the house. They were so high on sugar at this point I had to peel them off the walls. I had to point out to them that there were still eggs to find in the house. They both replied that they were waiting for Mik and Mel to wake up to find the eggs with and didn't want to ruin their Easter too. I told Crack and Thump that the eggs this year were only for them so find them and remember to share if one got more than the other. Well all I can say is after watching them hunt for eggs I couldn't have been a prouder Mom. Crack found most of them but counted them out with Thump and made sure they both had the same amount of eggs big and small! You would have been so proud too.

By this time, the sugar high was kicked up a notch and they were mini Spidermen and climbing the walls so I thought it best to make a quick retreat and hide in my room. When I sat down at my desk, I noticed something was out of place. When I looked down to my left by the phone there sat in a tiny tea cup plate full of mini chocolate m&m's and beside that 3 small chocolate eggs! I was dumbfounded to how they got there! Mik and Mel were still sleeping so they couldn't have done it! At that moment Crack came into our room -- more like tried to sneak into our room -- but that was nearly an impossible feat considering what a sugar high he was on. I pretended to ignore Crack as he was jumping, giggling, his very poor attempt at tiptoeing (he was making so much noise trying to tiptoe around the ppl in China would have suffered a earthquake from it) as he hid 2 more eggs for me to "find". Crack then left the room only to enter again normally (again normally is on his sugar high) and ask me if I had found what the Easter bunny left for me! I showed Crack what the Easter bunny left for me and then had my own mini Easter egg hunt of course with Crack leading the way!

What touched me the most was seeing this tiny plate of chocolates and 3 perfect chocolate eggs placed beside it! Knowing that our son did this for me so that I would have Easter too! Crack had to have placed the chocolates when I was still sleeping in bed that morning! If Crack hadn't have asked me about what the Easter Bunny might of left for me I at my age would have believed in the Easter Bunny really did still exist! It will probably remain one of the most special memories for the rest of my life! To know that our son gave up some of his Easter treats so that I too could have something from the Easter Bunny. Crack also admitted that the Easter Bunny had help from Thump as well! So again, Crack didn't take full credit but shared it with his brother! Sometimes we forget what wonderful, thoughtful, caring and loving children we have.

I had to go to the "city" last week and left Mik and Mel in charge of Crack and Thump with our neighbour watching them as well. I ended up staying one day longer than I wanted too! I phoned home every day and talked to the children but when I had to stay that one extra night I don't know who suffered worse myself or our children! Thump was convinced that I was never coming home and Crack was mad that I wasn't home and I broke my promise! We spent about 30 mins on the phone crying together! While I was gone, Crack and Thump slept in our bed together and watched movies to help ease our separation. During the day, they were in school. Mik and Mel were of course fine with me being gone but then again what does one expect from teenagers! My trip to the "city" was long but I did what I had to do! It will be a long time before I go again or if I have to go again I will be bringing all of our children with me. It was not possible this last trip.

I can hardly wait until you come home at least for your HLTA. Rather have you home for good but we know that isn't going to happen until the late fall sometime! I wish we had better communication. I kick myself in the butt thinking about how in the past when you were home and if I was angry at you I wouldn't talk to you even though we were only a few feet apart. Now you're so far away I can't talk to you when I want to. I have to wait for you to talk to me. Even that isn't much. I am lucky if I get 30 mins a week to communicate with you! That is sad considering this isn't even the "fighting" season right now and things in Afghanistan are quiet! This tour is by far worse for us communicating then last tour! I would have thought that conditions would have improved since you were last there in '06.

Every day I hope today is the day we get to talk by either phone or internet! Those days are so much further and further apart! Then when we finally do get a chance, it is timed! It seems I can't win for loosing. However, I have to admit that at least when an important message needs to get through it does and so I find my little "ways" to connect!  Like the time your car was vandalized and I had to find out what was or wasn't missing from it. I did hear from our insurance company that your car is NOT going to be written off so they will pay for it to be fixed. I wonder what the people were thinking as they vandalized your car. Of course they didn't know it was you or that you were a soldier although you had bumper magnets supporting the troops. Maybe they had some kind of conscience as they didn't steal any of the bumper magnets -- just about everything else not nailed down! The military was really good helping me deal with everything on that issue!  So be assured the support on the home front from the military is good.

Personally, you know I had my doubts about the military support system before you left. I can't say one negative word. I personally would not have been able to handle the car issue on my own without the military support that I was given!  Your car will be ready and running by the time you get home. As for our house, I can't be too sure. I have now become a master plunger so my arms should be as big as yours when you come home if not bigger. I am awaiting the plumber now and I think we are going to need a new toilet.  At least we have another one in our house that is still in working order!

I should end here as I have to go to the grocery store and get food...................ugh.............I so hate shopping but the $700.00 worth of food you bought before you left has been eaten and so I am now forced to go grocery shopping.

It is days like this that I miss you the most! You shop better than I do not like that is hard, considering how much I hate grocery shopping and how rarely I have to do it. Why do our children have to grow, ha ha. You had the shopping done so well last time we didn't run out of food for the months you were gone before you came home for your HLTA! 

On a very bright note considering it is now April 1st I can say I get to see you NEXT month!!!!!! I can hardly wait although is still seems like forever but at least now it is within "sight."
I love you with all my heart, all my mind, and with each and every fibre of my being!
B.Y.A.H

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just another letter

Army Wife, 19/04/08 at 7:04 PM EDT

First posted March 19 2008

Again I write to you hoping for a reply one day in the near future.....Oh I get the phone calls that are few and far between. I still laugh at our one conversation where you had thought it was only 4 days between conversations. It was an entire week to the day that we had last talked! You said you were "bored busy" implying that you were doing your job but not engaged in any form of "combat." Of course, we both know that "Timmy" has not come out to play yet and so far, things remain quiet. That will change shortly and with that thought my heart fills with dread!

I truly wish I could go back two years ago and have the same naive thoughts that I did then, instead of the knowledge I have now. It was being naive two years ago that got me through ¾ of the tour. Once I did start putting two and two together reading the newspapers and watching the news did I get an abrupt wakeup call. It changed everything. Then I was a worrywart and a nervous Nellie. I even remember very clearly one conversation that we had back then. I was asking you questions one after the other and kept repeating myself until you finally answered me! I went into total shock when you finally told me the truth and then u said, "There now you know that truth do you feel better?" My snivelling reply was "no." For us that was a turning point. I no longer hounded for answers and was careful about what questions I asked and you no longer lied to me as much as you had.

I am laughing thinking about how we use to lie to each other and our joke about how we would lie to each other. My joke to you was if the house was burning down and if I still somehow had phone service and you happened to call me and asked me how things were going at home I would reply "oh things are fine honey but it is really HOT right now as I watch the house burn down in front of my eyes"! Your joke was really no joke but rather I won't tell you the truth. I would be talking to you on a sat phone and you would tell me "honey it is really boring here and I am not doing too much" and then say "I really have to go this sat phone is going to go dead in a minute since it wasn't fully charged and all I would hear is click. Meanwhile you hang up on me as RPG'S are flying into your FOB".

The current tour we made the promise on how we wouldn't lie to each other no matter what unless of course it was an operational security matter. I do not know if that will really work or not. Really if things at home got bad for some reason something happened, what good would come out of it if I told you the truth since there is nothing that you would be able to do from Afghanistan anyway? However, unlike you I get a vast majority of my information about what is going on in Afghanistan from watching TV or reading the newspapers. Therefore, I would know more of what is going on with you than you would have of what is happening at home. 

Well back to the antics of your children. C now knows that spring is coming as he can clearly hear "popcorn in the forest." If you do not remember what that is, it is the sounds of training and the constant sounds of gunfire and artillery sending off the "big ones" the kind that shake then entire house............Me personally I hate it and I think about how you must be hearing the same sounds and it is not in training but real.

Ok I got off topic totally there. Again E woke up this morning but he had a new excuse for not going back to school. He is bored and "doesn't learn anything anymore." I asked him if he felt he was ready to go out into the real world and get a real job. E replied "yes he can sell stuff as a job." I asked him what he thought he could sell, E replies "Mom I can sell all my toys and then I can sell C's toys and that would give us lots of monies." Well you can imagine the riot that followed shortly after that remark!! C was NOT impressed with E's idea of selling off his toys. C got upset and begged me to send E to school so that he couldn't start his new career selling toys! I had to explain to E that selling off his toys at this time would not be a good idea and to which C yells out "E if you sell all your toys you cannot play with mine EVER!" Well, at least E went off to school and C stopped whining about going to school because C figured if E was at school too he couldn't be home selling both of their toys!!!  So needless to say E solved the whine problem today about going to school! Off they both went to grumbling not about school but about E's career decision. Of course, I am going to hear all about again as soon as they walk in the door. Moments like this I kind of wish you were home! But then again you would probably make it worse and encourage the boys by carrying on the joke!

Mik has a new trick up her sleeve she is going to bed early and I mean EARLY like 6:30 pm. She thinks by going to bed early she is getting out of her chores. I leave them all for the morning and wake her up early to complete them! I have also put her on notice if she cannot feed the fish one more night or I have to remind her that I am getting rid of her dog. Oh yeah that brings up another thing I wanted to talk to you about. I wanted to talk to you about the fish. What the hell were you thinking buying the children guppies as a going away present!!!!!!!!! Are you trying to drive me nuts or something? Do you realize that guppies keep giving birth over and over again????????  You gave the children a gift that keeps giving back time and time again. It is worse the then energizer bunny we now have generations of  guppies and I can't keep moving them around to all the tanks nor will I buy anymore fish tanks. I could open up my own pet shop at the rate the guppies are reproducing! We do not need money that bad. I had better not say that thought aloud to E because his next career choice could be selling his and C's fish ha ha ha

Anyways baby I hope you are doing better than the last time we talked. I am slowly coming back from shock. I am sorry that I was not much of help to you. I will do better I promise in the future. I love you more today than yesterday.

B.Y.A.H

Love you more

Click...................I win again
 

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I'm sorry I have failed you! Current mood: sad

Army Wife, 19/04/08 at 6:32 PM EDT

First posted 17 Mar 2008

I really wish we had moved far out into the country before you left............Where we had no neighbours or traffic on our road. I am jumping, my stomach is turning, my head is spinning, my heart is in my throat every time I hear a car, truck, or any vehicle driving past the house. And when I hear a vehicle driving very slowly I am just about ready to jump out of my own skin. It doesn't matter if it is morning, afternoon, evening, or the middle of the night!!!  I am so freaking scared that is it the Padre coming to knock on our door to get us the "news"  I feel like I am a walking vibrator or just walking around on jelly legs. You have just called me and have shared the bad news. I cannot believe that I couldn't even help you.  I am in shock myself and though I think I tried to help you it seems you were helping me more then I was helping you!  This is one of the biggest blows yet to date for us! I failed you as a wife I had no words to help ease your pain. Even though u managed to laugh at my attempts of telling you the lastest antics of what the children are doing it was hollow! The loss of any soldier is felt by so many and the pain is deep.  I do not know how you manage to go forward when I start to think backwards.   This tour has only started and I am already drained! How do you do it my love? How do you continue to stand tall and keep going? I know today is a down day for me and I will get on with life but I am taking today off.  I just want to shut down and shut off the outside world for a while. I need better coping skills to get through the rest of this tour. I will need to acquire them sooner rather than later......... considering that "Timmy" hasn't even come out of hiding totally yet I am not doing a such a good job of "soldiering up" I cannot tell you enough how much I love you and how much you mean to me! Did I let you know how much I loved you before you left? I sure hope I did. I hope that you know how much I stand behind you and support you! Do you know I go to bed every night thanking God for keeping our family unit intact and I wake up every morning praying that God will keep our family unit intact? I am proud of you D and I am lucky enough to have you as my husband and father to our children! You are one hell of a good soldier and Canada is lucky to have men like you serving and willing to put their lives on the line to help protect Canada. I love you with each and every fibre of my being! Thank you for your sacrifice. B.Y.A.H BABY LOVE YOU MORE THEN A SECOND AGO CLICK

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