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To deform and twirl the words of the great Sigmund Freud, sometimes a sniffle is most emphatically not a sniffle.

Any recent watcher of the Montreal Canadiens is aware that Glen Metropolit is a dangerous man to the opposition, but our Metro is also a little radioactive within the room these days.

Yes, he has the flu.

It’s not believed to be the dreaded H1N1 virus (which will always be known as the swine flu to the feverish, hacking masses here at French Immersion LLC, where we go by our old gran’s principle: if someone in the family catches the flu, best all sleep in the same room for a couple of days so it hits everyone at once and moves on).

No, the swine flu surely only affects lesser teams like, er, the first-place Colorado Avalanche.

That’s right, Avs backup goalie Peter Budaj is leading the league in at least one category this season.

Here’s hoping for the Habs’ sake that he didn’t infect his countryman Jaro Halak when the two had dinner during the recent Colorado road trip.

Although it might give a chance to poor lonesome Carey, dammit (who actually said yesterday Halak deserves to start. What goalie controversy?)

The seriousness of this terribly serious situation calls for the abandonment of our famously whimsical choice of subject matter this morning in order to seriously address the serious problem that is the flu pandemic.

Think of is as a public service, we’ll try not to let it happen again.

You’ll recall that the flu is an especially sensitive issue for the Canadiens, who revised their health and safety practices after a bug roared through the team in 2007.

This year, they’ve added several hand-washing stations in the team's offices, dressing rooms and gym. There’s even one in the media room in Brossard – Oi, what do you take us for, the great unwashed? Eh? Oh.

In addition, the team has taken to using the same cleaning products as hospitals to disinfect common areas – they also take special care on the team plane and in hotels while on road trips..

It’s also become standard practice to isolate players who report flu or cold symptoms – Metropolit was told to get on his bike Monday morning with the flu and kept away from his teammates again yesterday, even if he was feeling well enough to play Monday night.

He also took the team charter to Pittsburgh yesterday.

And tell him what he’s won, Johnny: while in fabulous western Pennsylvania, Metro will benefit from a single room and king-sized bed while at the plush team hotel.

That said, nobody seems especially freaked out by the pandemic in Habsland, as Jaro Spacek said: “it’s the flu, we deal with it every year.”

But in the interests of the award-winning journalism discriminating FI readers have come to expect, we decided to test the team’s assertion that its players have been informed about the special precautions and risks associated with H1N1.

So Carey, have you been educated about the perils of swine flu?

“Not really.”

Oho.

How about you, Greg Stewart?

“We haven’t really been educated about it. Everyone is kinda coming down with the sniffles, a cold, the flu or what not. I know I'm coming off it too . . . it’s tough with 20 men sweating all the time and training hard to keep it clean,” he said.

Unlike other members of the Habs brute squad (G. Laraque, founder and president) Stewart knows where of he speaks, in that his pop is a doctor.

If fact, Stewie père offered to bring a flu shot when he comes to visit this coming weekend.

“I told him I’m with the Canadiens, the team doctors will take care of us,” said his son.

What an ingrate.

Various team suits say there are no immediate plans for flu shots, and given the fact most of the players are young, fit men in their 20s and early 30s, they are far down the priority list for vaccinations.

But fear not, Quebec’s most beloved corporation says it will scrupulously follow the Quebec Health Ministry’s guidelines, and that any player who wants a flu shot will be given one when they are made available to the general public.

Yet the question over whether to have the vaccine at all is also being posed by many in the Canadiens’ room. See? They really are just like the rest of us.

Mike Cammalleri, whose mother works in a medical laboratory, said he asked for her counsel but still isn’t sure whether he’ll get the shot.

“There still seems to be some conflicting advice, so I haven’t really decided yet,” he said.

Part of the problem is that athletes in tip-top shape – and hockey players – often feel out of sorts for a few days after taking a vaccine.

“So I guess I’ll have to take a look at who were playing against that week,” he said.