'Early on a Wednesday morning," parents may one day tell their breathless children, who know this story by heart but never tire of it, "Swiss officials, acting on behalf of the U.S. Department of Justice, walked into a hotel in Zurich and arrested seven FIFA officials." Here, the children will shudder and cuddle up closer to their mothers and fathers. "FIFA," their parents will continue, "is …"
"The body that governs international soccer!" the children will squeal, and hide their heads under their blankets.
"And that's why," the parents will say, if all goes as hoped, "every country in the world celebrates 'Get the Bastards!' Day on May 27th – the world's first truly universal holiday."
Within hours of those arrests, the Swiss Office of the Attorney General opened a second, parallel investigation into highly credible allegations that bribery played a part in awarding the 2018 World Cup to Russia and the 2022 World Cup to Qatar.
That Qatar is small, insanely hot, lacking in soccer facilities and not traditionally associated with the sport raised eyebrows. The sense was that, if an actual pizza oven had offered better kickbacks, FIFA would be holding the World Cup there instead.
As for Russia, it speaks to FIFA's reputation that, when people realized the country had negotiated with the organization, their first thought was: "Oh, my god, is Russia all right? Those guys are brutal."
The president of FIFA is Sepp Blatter – Sepp Blatter's the name Douglas Adams was searching for when he died and the character Mario Puzo was looking for when he wrote The Godfather, although he failed in this, as the perceived wisdom is that Sepp Blatter makes Don Vito look like Kay Corleone.
Mr. Blatter's reaction to these arrests and investigations was gloriously comic. "This is a difficult time for football, the fans," – he said in a statement released on Wednesday as fans rejoiced the world over. "We understand the disappointment that many have expressed."
And there was loads of disappointment – all because Mr. Blatter, who's widely believed to be some sort of Swiss soccer anti-Christ, has not been arrested.
When asked about about the prospects for that arrest, U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch replied, "I can say this investigation is ongoing. It's continuing," causing nearly the entire human race to put a candle in the window.
Hell, mole people have installed windows for the express purpose of putting lit candles in those windows. The world's now alight with our collective and mole-people-inclusive hope that Sepp Blatter will be arrested.
Alien astronomers, glancing our way at this sparkly sight, believe they've discovered a new binary star system, and we could worry about that, but right now the world's primary concern is trying to make the line "Ding-dong the witch's flunkies have been arrested on charges including money laundering, racketeering, bribery and fraud, but the witch is still walking free, " scan.
Mr. Blatter insists that FIFA welcomes the arrests and Swiss inquiry. "Today's action … was set in motion when we submitted a dossier to the Swiss authorities late last year," he said, and "will help to reinforce measures that FIFA has already taken to root out any wrongdoing in football."
This was the steely, face-saving move of a man who has cut off lots of heads. It was like watching the Emperor claim he'd asked Luke Skywalker to come aboard.
"I welcome the involvement of the Rebel Alliance," says the Emperor. "I invited them when I submitted two plucky droids last year. We're in the process of renovating the Death Star anyway – wanted to bring more light in. The place was startin' to feel a bit pokey."
FIFA's history is such that it could deny flooding a stadium and filling it with piranha fish during a match, congratulate itself on the delightful nibbling-sensation experience it had brought the fans, and observers would take that as gospel – the fans themselves would rush out and buy scuba gear.
The bodies of the 1.4 million migrant workers being used as virtual slave labour to build the stadiums pile up in Qatar, whose appalling human-rights record preceded them. An estimate by the International Trade Union Confederation puts the count at 1,200 deaths so far, and indicates there will be 4,000 additional worker deaths by 2022 – that's more than 62 deaths for every match that will be played.
As far as wreaking havoc, encouraging the worst elements, dictating the laws within a country while stripping it bare, FIFA makes the East India Company look like good houseguests – just some folks who brought some excellent wine, stayed out of your hair and helped with the washing up – like that Genghis Khan.
This partly explains why this week's glee is the closest we'll come as a planet to consensus on anything and, in order to grasp the enormity of this, you only have to consider the fact that this unanimity involves the Americans.
This is a coup of a coup – a stunning piece of foreign-policy PR: They had foreigners arrested in a foreign country, by the Swiss, no less – a people perceived as being far too casual about their banking and just plain persnickety about everything else and people are delighted.
FIFA, like the International Olympic Committee (which looks like Santa's Elves' book club in comparison), is a Swiss-based organization. The words "Swiss-based" suggest "sketchy" to many.
We should incorporate this into our language, as in "I don't know about that guy, he seems a bit Swiss-based to me." Even people in the U.S. are happy – and the U.S. doesn't care about soccer at all.
That there appears to be no self-interest on the part of the Americans in this attack on a foreign regime is just such a bonus. It's goddamn historic, I'd say. Let's put it this way: Greasy as it is, there's no oil in FIFA, and the Americans finally have people rejoicing over a tottering empire and expressing gratitude to them for their efforts.
"Gosh, no big deal," the U.S. nation seemed to say. "You guys go topple some statues or something." And the world said: "Love you guys," and did just that.
It's as though, in organizing the arrest of these seven men, the U.S. had arranged for the detention of Lex Luthor, Sauron, Snidely Whiplash, Bill Sykes, Cruella de Vil and Mr. McGregor on the same day.