“Yeah, probably, yeah. I'm try[ing] to catch up on my work and you know I keep my eyes on the road, but I'm a busy man.” – Rob Ford, mayor of Toronto, responding to a reporter’s question over whether or he was reading while driving.
‘But I might not have been reading at that particular moment because I was also listening to a sports-radio call-in show and there was an idiot on the line who’s all “Rah rah NHL Players’ Association,” which is a glorified union, so I’m about to phone in myself when the phone rings and it’s my wife and she wants to talk about new lawn furniture because honestly now is the perfect time to get an amazing deal. All the big players like Lowes, which I personally think has a better selection of lawn furniture and gas grills than Rona, not that I want to get involved in the Quebec election, have their stuff on sale, but there’s still great selection. If you wait until September what happens is you find the perfect table but only four chairs and you buy them anyway thinking you’ll buy more in the spring, only when spring rolls around it turns out they don’t make that set anymore so you spend the next four summers not having enough chairs and then one evening you go to a barbecue and you’re like, “Holy crap,” because this guy who lives two doors down has the exact same lawn furniture! So right there on the spot I start peeling fifties off a wad and telling my neighbour I’ll spend whatever it takes, and the guy is like, “No thanks,” and then at home my wife says what I did was inappropriate. So there I am on the Gardiner talking about lawn furniture and I haven’t read basically anything of that document you can see there in the photo when the call-waiting beeps and I pick it up and this lady is offering me a one-time-only chance to double the spending limit on my credit card AND win a free Caribbean cruise. I couldn’t believe it either. So I click over and tell my wife the incredible news and she's like, “It’s a scam!” So I click back over to the credit-card woman to ask her if this is true and she just keeps repeating herself and after five or six times it suddenly dawns on me that I’m talking to a robot and for a second I wonder if she’s one of those really hot robots like you see in movies but then I notice this car in the next lane and I swear it’s the same lady who reported me for giving her and her kid the finger last year but I can’t see for sure so I accelerate but I have to slam on the brakes because my lane is backed up for some reason and I quickly reach my hand down between my legs because there’s been this loose Timbit rolling around and the only time you can catch it is when you start or stop and the thing is rolling. I miss the Timbit then I look over and see that the GO train is going faster than me, and that’s why I look ticked-off in the photo because it always burns me up when the freeloader transit types win. And actually if you look closely at the photo my lips aren’t moving, so I wasn’t reading. I’m just too busy.’