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Prime Minister Stephen Harper jokes around with Cpl Gary Eddy from Cold Lake, Alb. dressed up as Santa Claus in Alert, 2006. File photo. (Paul Chiasson/CP)
Prime Minister Stephen Harper jokes around with Cpl Gary Eddy from Cold Lake, Alb. dressed up as Santa Claus in Alert, 2006. File photo. (Paul Chiasson/CP)

Humour

A Christmas carol for 2011 Add to ...

Dashing through the dough

In a frantic bid to pay

Massive debts in Greece –

Euro paupers, they.

Italy came next.

Berlusconi’s fief.

O what fun it is to spend

Until you come to grief.

Jangled nerves, jangled nerves,

Jangled all the way.

Germany and France are miffed

The EU’s feet are clay – Hey!

Frantic talks, Britain balks,

Giving markets fright.

Maybe we can bet the farm

On who’ll default tonight.

O crime, all ye faithful,

Must receive a thumping.

Put up more pri-isons

And lock up the kids.

I, Stephen Harper,

Won’t amend my crime bill.

Don’t preach one more statistic

That says I’m being simplistic.

You’re being too realistic.

Cri-ime’s abhorred.

“Wait,” cry Quebeckers,

“Stop this mad obsession.

What you call common sense

Is non-sens-ical.

We’ll sue your pants off

Or write our own crime code.”

Oh, great. A wedge is driven.

Quebec and feds are riven.

Disharmony’s a gi-iven.

Di-ice are rolled.

Gad! Pat Martin’s thumbs lashed out,

Sending tweets ’bout Stephen.

Salty language left no doubt

This MP was seethin’.

Government cut short debate

On its legislation.

Martin didn’t sublimate:

First-class perora-ation.

Closure’s rampant on the Hill:

Seven bills and counting.

Even on the budget bill.

Feel the tension mounting.

Effing language burns the eyes.

It’s unparliament’ry.

Still, it’s hard to blame the guy.

Commons needs a se-entry.

Away in a ledger,

The names have been filed.

Gadhafi, bin Laden,

Their menace exiled.

Recall 9/11

And Lockerbie, too.

Now guess the direction

In which their souls flew.

Duck! The hockey blows are folly.

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Get concussions from the volley.

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Is it hard to stand? Yes, very.

Fa la la, la la la, la la la.

Also hard to stand Don Cherry.

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

On the 12th day of cutbacks,

My boss explained to me:

Twelve months’ recession,

Level expectations,

Tend to your payroll.

Nein, there’s no pay raise,

Ate all the profits

Servin’ our directors,

Sick days are hist’ry.

Fie, olden drones.

For those who wish,

Free cab fare

To somewhere else,

And a pa-arting gift that’s pal-trey.

Hark, the Horvath-Hudak push

Knocked McGuinty on his tush.

Though his Grits remain in power

It’s on suff’rance, hour by hour.

Tories and New Democra-ats

Plan each move like acroba-ats.

Yet Ontario’s Libs may act

Boldly, counting on one fact.

Heck, the Horvath-Hudak ring

Won’t agree on anything.

We free thinkers, leery of mayors,

Think it’s smart to occupy squares.

Start with Wall Street, on to all streets,

Catching them unawares.

Oh-ohhhh...

Spar with bankers, 1 per cents.

In the parks, we pitch our tents.

Poor park users

Are the losers.

Sorry, ladies.

Sorry, gents.

I’m dreaming of a wheat sea change

As Harper strikes the Wheat Board dead.

Though the farmers liked it,

The PM spiked it

And called the surplus his instead.

I’m dreaming of a wheat sequel.

If buffered farmers’ groups are plagues,

What about milk, butter and eggs?

Or does Steve play fav’rites with his regs?

Oh crumbs, hear that footfall.

Must be Delahunty,

Warrior princess on a

CBC show.

In full regalia,

There on Rob Ford’s driveway.

The second that he sees her,

He panics and he flees her,

Asks 911 to seize her.

Cri-i-sis mode.

Frisky the Showman

Was a very happy soul.

With his bunga-bunga party girls –

Berlusconi’s fav’rite role.

Frisky the Showman

Was as Teflon as they come.

He could obfuscate while he wrecked the state

And supporters all stayed mum.

There must have been some madness

Couched inside his outsized gall.

For when they kicked him out the door

He declared them traitors all.

Frisky the Showman

Has a fortune to his name.

He can keep his bunga-bunga girls

But it won’t be quite the same.

Single cells,

Single cells,

Sitting in a tray.

Oh what fun it is to mess

With human DNA. Hey!

Latest news:

They can use

Cells for muscle growth.

Better life or longer life?

Well, darn it, we’ll take both.

Hark, the Harry Potter fling

Ended with that Hallows thing.

Voldemort and Harry fought.

Which guy won? Don’t spill the plot.

Twilight saga’s still in play.

Bella’s in the fam’ly way.

With a vampire as the dad.

Is that good? It sure sounds bad.

Hark! The birth’s no easy stroll.

It’s an ad for birth control.

O latest count of babydom,

How still the records burst.

The seven-billion mark was passed

October thirty-first.

Yes, seven billion people

Now live on Planet Earth.

With hopes and fears, we greet the dears.

May they find more than dearth.

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