Dear government of Canada:
Congratulations on your refusal to stigmatize asbestos by allowing it to be added to a list of hazardous chemicals on the United Nations treaty, the Rotterdam Convention. In doing so, you have helped to ensure that countries exporting a known carcinogen (mostly to developing nations) need not add a warning that it be used correctly. May it be so for many years to come!
Our market research does, however, suggest that by bravely fighting alongside its traditional progressive allies - Ukraine, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan and Vietnam - Canada may suffer some damage to its reputation abroad. Our polls indicate that, goodwill-wise, you've just about cancelled out the effects of the Vancouver Olympic Games, beavers and the liberation of the Netherlands.
You asked us how Canada might begin to redress this situation. We at Carson, Blanche and Whitehall believe that today, rebranding Canada means rebranding asbestos. We have put together a list of possible slogans and marketing ideas that we hope you will find of interest, but that are unlikely to get us sued:
1. "If you can read this, you're statistically unlikely to be installing our product."
2. Possible TV spot: A handsome 55-year-old man swings a club on an emerald-green golf course as the sun rises. The same man throws a Frisbee for his golden retriever on a white beach. A flag goes quickly up a pole. The man and his shapely wife leave the opera - early. Fireworks go off. Tag line: "Ask your doctor about asbestos. No, seriously, get some blood work done."
3. Start spelling it asBESTos®.
4. "Asbestos: A different kind of silver lining."
5. "Asbestos: It's like cotton candy for your walls. (But ideally not for mine.)"
6. "It's CARE-cinogenic."
7. "Look, world, it's practically the same colour as a baby seal, and we're saving it. Get off our backs."
8. "Asbestos, now with zero trans fats."
9. "Breathe different."
10. Product placement: We could get James Franco to wear a smart asbestos shirt in his next movie. Around the office, most of us saw this as a win-win.
11. Licensing the capricious Pink Panther character turned out to be profitable strategy for Fiberglas pink insulation. You'll never land anything that cute, because face it, it's asbestos, but we're thinking we can cut a deal with Inspector Gadget.
12. "Asbestos: At least you won't die in a fire."
13. We're talking with the OPI nail polish colour folks. Expect "Absolutely AsBESTos" and "Chrysotile Used-to-Be-Pink Lung" in their fall lineup.
14. "Insulating you against life."
15. Idea: Rename as Asbest-O's - "rich in fibre"!
16. "Asbestos, helping you forget the tar sands."
17. We want to play up the heritage angle on this product. A few tweaks to a Wikipedia page and presto: "It is said that the Inuit have 373 words for asbestos."
18. "Hey, whiners, what do you think was in those Green Gables?"
19. Idea: Could we start calling it "clean asbestos"?
20. Possible TV spot: A fresh-faced, pretty but earnest-looking university-type woman stands in the forest. A scientist walks purposefully across a laboratory. An elderly couple hold hands on their tasteful, yet dated sofa. They all talk directly to the camera about anything that has nothing to do with asbestos. Tagline: "These people, who seem like just the sort of people you wish you knew, were brought to you by the Quebec Asbestos Mining Association."
21. "Like poutine for your lungs."
22. "Asbestos: It can't spill."
27. "Good to the last cough of blood."
28. "A mine is a terrible thing to waste."
29. "Save the whales."
30. "It takes a licking and … Oh no! Dear God! Don't lick it!"
Eagerly awaiting your response,
Douglas T. Carson
Carson, Blanche and Whitehall