Be prepared. That's the first rule of driving.
I'm reminded of this fact with the arrival of summer-like weather. The comforting warmth and nurturing sunshine create a false sense of security. That's why I am encouraging all readers to follow my lead and have an emergency plan ready. That way when the unexpected happens, you can say, "My plan didn't work but at least I had a plan."
Here's my plan:
The next time I get a speeding ticket I'm going to demand that my trial be held in French. Then, on the day of my hearing, I'm going to ask for a translator.
I'm going to keep a box of old cellphones on the passenger seat and, whenever I see someone in another car talking on their phone while driving, I'm going to hurl one at their car and yell, "It's for you."
The next time a guy intentionally drives his car into an intersection and blocks traffic, making it impossible for me to use the green light I've been waiting for, I'm going to instantaneously develop the power to turn people into fish and I'm going to turn that intersection blocker into a giant carp. This does not go for people who accidentally get stuck out there. That happens occasionally and they should be allowed to retain their human form.
The next time, a cop asks me: "Do you know how fast you're going?" I'm going to reply: "Do you know that I have a $50 bill in my wallet? Do you take bribes? Please answer the second question first."
When the day comes that I finally have to sell my car, I'm going to live in it for a week and then smear the interior with hair gel. No reason. I really liked that car and I kind of resent having to sell it.
The next time someone reminisces about having sex in their car while driving, I'm going to say, "That's a coincidence because I invented a machine that allows you to have sex while driving without endangering yourself or others." And when they ask what it is, I will say, "Sorry, can't tell you. Maybe next time when a person asks if he can have one of your French fries you'll say yes." Their face will turn an ashen white and the light will go out of their eyes as they imagine all the pleasure they will miss out on. Then, I'll smile and say, "Well, gotta go have sex in my car while driving."
The next time I see a bumper sticker that reads "How's my drivin'?" I'm going to call up the number and say, "You're driving is fine, but your grammar is lazy."
The next time I am stuck in traffic I will ask myself what a celebrity would do. Everyone loves famous people. What better way for them to give back to the community than by bestowing automotive wisdom. I haven't asked them but I'm pretty sure if asked here's what these famous folks would say:
Lady Gaga: "God makes no mistakes but you might. Remember when merging always be sure to do a shoulder check. That way you'll always be on the right track, baby. If you are driving an enormous egg be sure your mirrors are adjusted properly."
Cher: If I could turn back time, I'd recommend leaving a lot of space between you and the car in front of you. Would have avoided a few fender benders.
Pregnant Teen Kiana from MTV's 16 and Pregnant: "Get your licence as soon as you can. Being 16 and pregnant is no picnic, especially on the bus, cause you look like a real loser. When you're 16 and pregnant and driving a Mercedes SL-Class Roadster, people think you're just trying to get having kids out of the way sooner so you can concentrate on your career."
Harry Wayne Casey of KC and the Sunshine Band: "Brake. Brake. Brake. Brake. Brake. Brake. Brake for yield signs."
Shania Twain: "Have your tire pressure checked regularly."
Voltaire: "If there were no cars, it would be necessary for man to invent them. I only wish that I will live long enough to see that day. If not, it's on me."
Storm, the Genderless Baby: "You can save fuel and help the environment by driving the speed limit and not speeding. Once you travel at more than 100 km/h, you use more gasoline. Also, I'm a boy."
Follow Andrew Clark on Twitter: @aclarkcomedy