The facts of life if you drive a car:
1. Gas mileage. Those ads you read? They’re not from the engineers, they’re not from head office, they’re not even from the advertising department. They just set up a conference call between a unicorn and a leprechaun and said, “Give us a number.”
2. There is nothing worse than doing a perfect parallel park on the first move, and having nobody around to witness it. At the very least, you deserve a round of applause, if not a small medal.
3. Instead of asking auto journalists for articles on car care tips and keeping a car clean, they should just publish pictures of the condition of our cars. We’d never be asked to write those articles again.
4. Finding a headline that says, “How to drastically increase your gas mileage” and finding tips like “Go around corners more slowly” and “Check your tire pressure” is the equivalent of discovering your date is wearing Spanx. These things will nominally help your mileage; throwing your keys in the lake will help it drastically.
5. Electric cars are a hard sell because most products promise to rid your life of anxiety, not introduce more. We’re entering an age where people are concerned about leaking when they sneeze; sitting in a grounded car is just not a risk many are willing to take.
6. Your car manual was not written by you. I believe it was not even written for you. You will not find “Scary little flashing light that looks like a small pile of rabbit turds” in the index. You will finally find a notation that simply tells you the child locks are on, or your squirter fluid is low. Flashing and orange should only be used for imminent death situations.
7. Speaking of squirter fluid, that jug you bought will never fit in the receptacle. There will always be some left over. The manufacturers are the hot dog makers who believe hot dogs should be sold by the dozen, and buns should be sold in eights.