They chose rush hour on the Thursday of the Labour Day weekend, one of the busier drives of the year, for their excursion. Then again, they also chose to be 13 in number, so perhaps we are not talking about the wisest bunch of fellows. I am referring to the “Vancouver 13,” the gaggle of young drivers who were pulled over by the RCMP for street racing exotic cars on Highway 99 south of Vancouver.
Armed with learners licences – the men aged 20 and younger – drove Ferraris, Maseratis, Lamborghinis, Audis, Mercedes and an Aston Martin (around $2-million worth of automobiles). They hit speeds of up to 200 km/h. Stunned drivers called 911. British Columbia law enforcement came down hard on the alleged street racers. The cars were impounded (for a while) and drivers charged with “driving without due consideration for others.” Each one was hit with a $196 fine.
While it’s likely that the province’s severe punishment will deter them from further speedy exploits (the Vancouver 13 were also required to pay for towing and impounding costs), a little more reinforcement may be required.
First I’d try the Adlerian Method.
We don’t want to alienate any one driver and make him feel bad, remember, there are no bad street racers, only problem street racers. So I’d put all the drivers in a room and talk to them.
I’d say, “Look, you know the guys in those movies you like? The Fast and the Furious? There are a few subtle differences between those guys and you guys. The stunt drivers in those movies are trained, skilled professionals who have dedicated their lives to driving cars at high speeds in risky situations. They are an elite brotherhood who spend their lives in pursuit of driving perfection. You, on the other hand, are spoiled, rich monsters, who drive daddy’s fancy cars and watch movies and think they are real. So you see, some subtle but real differences.”
Then I’d tap into Vancouver’s natural resources.
If there is one thing Vancouverites love more than the mountains, it’s rioting.
I’d take 100 of the most hard-core rioters from the Stanley Cup festivities and show them game seven on a loop for 24 hours. Then I’d drive the Vancouver 13’s impounded fancy cars out onto mid-field at halftime during a B.C. Lions game. I would sit the street racers on the 55-yard line and handcuff them to their seats. I would then loose the rioters, armed with baseball bats, Molotov cocktails, crow bars, etc., out into the field. The rioters could then take out their anger on the exotic cars.
I would film the event and make a TV show out of it called Rioters Gone Wild with all proceeds going to mountain preservation.
If these two methods failed, it would be time to get creative. It’s time to summon the ghost of Ayrton Senna.
He was the greatest Formula One driver of all time. He won the F1 championship three times and used driving to transcend time, space and existence. The son of Brazilian millionaire landowners, he donated millions to fight poverty. He died in the 1994 San Marino Grand Prix at the age of 34. I defy anyone who loves motorsport to watch the documentary Senna (currently in theatres) and not tear up.
So, I’d hire a medium to channel Senna’s ghost and, once he’d arrived, I’d have Senna’s ghost visit each of the Vancouver 13 a la A Christmas Carol.
I’d have him visit and he’d say something like, “Hello, I’m Ayrton Senna, the greatest driver in F1 history. I was born rich and I dedicated my life to racing and much of my winnings to the poor. I died young but the world will always remember and revere me. What have you done? You endanger lives and play in cars the same way you used to play on tricycles. Time to get yourself together, son.”
If that doesn’t do it, nothing will.
Folks love a man in uniform. Last week, a New Mexico cop was caught having sex on the hood of a car while on duty. The police officer was filmed by a surveillance camera astride a lightly clad female. The cop was fully clothed. The video went viral and the cop was eventually fired.
The cop’s supervisors said he made a “horrible personal decision.” I’d say that depends how good the sex was, but anyway, the point is, for cops on duty sex is bad. That’s the great thing about being a writer. If I take time out from work to have sex, it’s called “doing research.”
The sex-with-on-duty-cop scenario is apparently a common kink. “The cop fantasy hinges on the idea of power being corrupted, an enforcer of the law breaking the rules – and all for sex,” wrote Tracey Clark-Flory in Salon. I have to agree. I have my own cop/sex fantasy and it goes like this:
A cop gives me a ticket. Later that day, he is surreptitiously filmed having sex on the hood of a car while on duty. The video is put on the web and goes viral. The cop is eventually fired.
Follow Andrew Clark on Twitter: @aclarkcomedy