If, over the next few days, you find yourself feeling festive, feeling generous and being of good cheer – you know – suffering from what's commonly referred to as the "Christmas Spirit," don't be alarmed. There's an easy cure to Yuletide glow. Just get behind the wheel of a car and spend an hour or so on city streets. You'll be muttering, "Bah, humbug" over a bowl of hot gruel faster than you can say, "No, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus, but there is such a thing as global warming."
Christmas is a lot of things: the chance to spend money to keep corporate capitalism in the pink, the chance to eat too much on Christmas Eve, and then eat too much again on Christmas Day; why it's even, if you're so inclined, the chance to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. Yet, it's a holiday that comes tinged with irony. At a time when many are celebrating the season of goodwill toward men and brotherly love, there is precious little to be found on December streets. Along with carols, turkey and mistletoe, Christmas brings with it some of the worst driving of the year.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, there's a reason Santa takes a sleigh.
We have yet to surrender to this fact. Each year, there are new inventions created to help improve conditions. For instance, we now have parking spots that have green lights to tell you when they're vacant and red ones to tell you they are occupied, and we have apps that tell us where there is traffic congestion. But what good are these when every light is red and everywhere is as congested as a hypochondriac allergy-sufferer with the flu?
The secret may lie in timing. According to analysis from the community-based navigation app Waze, last year one of the busiest periods was Christmas Eve between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. As far as I'm concerned the worst period is December 23 between 3 and 6 p.m. This is Christmas driving's dark night of the soul. It's ground zero for morons who've put antlers on their cars and stressed shoppers staring at their iPhones when they should be looking at the road. The best hours to travel, not unsurprisingly, happen on Christmas Day, a time when many folks are still in their pyjamas and on their first cup of coffee. Perhaps the best gift you can give the passionate car lover in your life on Christmas morning are the keys to the car, a full tank of gas and your blessing.
Parking, of course, remains the worst aspect of Christmas driving. It's hard to lug everything home on the subway or bus. That means even the most autophobic cyclist will reluctantly get in their Prius and head out to the mall. Spots are hard to find and, once a motorist does finally locate that rare open space, the hardship is only beginning.
While most open presents on Christmas morning (and some on Christmas Eve) drivers receive gifts in the days running up to Christmas in the form of mysterious bumps and scratches. Think of the weeks leading to Christmas as an "Accident Advent Calendar." Each day brings with it a new dent or ding. Sometimes, the door of a nearby Dodge Dart delivers them; sometimes they arrive courtesy of a runaway-shopping cart. By the end of it all the fact your car is running at all is a Christmas miracle.
This year, I'm considering beating the Christmas rush by shopping exclusively at stores that are open 24 hours a day. I can roll in at 3 a.m., when traffic is scarce and the parking plentiful. That will mean the people in my life will receive either groceries or something bought at a drugstore – "A jug of President's Choice Sriracha Tomato Clam Cocktail and a bottle of Life Brand 200 mg ibuprofen tablets to all and to all a good night!" I could also give McDonald's gift certificates (now called "Arch Cards") purchased at the 24-hour drive-thru.
But I'll probably lose my nerve and find myself lost among the common herd, just as I have for all Christmases past. Christmas driving is a tradition. As much a part of the season as holly and candy canes. Far be it from me to buck tradition.
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Andrew Clark