It's late November and that means everyone who is anyone in the automotive sector is in sunny southern California for the Los Angeles Auto Show. Auto makers from around the world have descended on the City of Angels and are unveiling the latest in designs and cutting-edge technology.
Strangely, I was not invited, but that has not stopped me from observing the festivities from afar via the miracle that is the World Wide Web. Though I admire the incredibly beautiful new cars and the mind-blowing technology, and, while I envy those who are attending what I can only imagine are spectacularly lavish L.A. parties stocked with premium tequilas and catered with sumptuous food – and while I wish I'd been there on Nov. 19 when comedian Jeff Dunham unveiled a restored Voxmobile (designed by George Barris in 1967), the Los Angeles Auto Show leaves me a little cold.
Amazing, new, cool things are great, but what if you're not able to partake? What if you're an everyday schlub like me who owns a car that drives like it debuted at the 1948 Los Angeles Auto Show? How about innovations for the everyman? Here are a few to get things started.
Pre-dented minivans
There are only two kinds of minivans: those that have a dent in the passenger side rear fender and those that are going to have a dent in the passenger side rear fender. Most often caused when minivan meets underground parking, some refer to these as "Soccer Mom Tags," but that's unfair. When it comes to minor dents and scrapes, minivans are gender neutral, and it doesn't matter how good a driver you are, you're going to bang that car up. You could put Mercedes F1 star Lewis Hamilton behind the wheel of a Toyota Odyssey and, in 20 minutes, it would have a dent in the side rear fender.
Why not offer pre-dented minivans? This would allow soccer moms and dads alike to customize their calamities. Why not have your minivan predented in Maple Leaf blue? Why not get a dent in the shape of Bieber's face?
Self-stopping cars
Most experts agree self-driving cars are the future. They'll be terrific for successful, career-minded folk. The L.A. Auto Show's Connected Car Expo featured 10 startups, such as speech recognition technologies company Capio, that are influencing this trend. But what about people who are not on the corporate fast track? Or who are prone to bad life decisions?
We need self-stopping cars that read the thoughts of drivers and prevent them from attending appointments that will have bad consequences. Heading to Burger King to inhale a couple of two-for-$5 chicken sandwich meals? A self-stopping car would never let you out of the driveway. Along this line of thinking – we also need a GPS system that can locate lost hopes and dreams.
Voice-activated missed call recognition
Auto makers are keen to allow drivers to use voice-recognition software that will offer the ability to answer calls and texts hands-free while they drive. This will turn the automobile – the last place you can get away from this connected nightmare we call society – into a mobile office.
Voice-activated missed call recognition would put a spin on this trend by telling drivers about all the calls they didn't get. It would act as an automotive antidepressant. For instance:
- “Your boss could have called asking if you’d come in on Saturday … but she didn’t.”
- “Your kid’s teacher could have called telling you that your son broke his violin on another kid’s head … but she didn’t.”
- “Your brother could have called asking you to help him move … but he didn’t.”
- “Your doctor could have called saying that you can’t eat cheese any more … but she didn’t.”
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Andrew Clark