It's morning rush hour and you're cramped on a subway train. Suddenly, the woman next to you whips out her phone, turns it into a selfie mirror and starts slapping on the makeup. Blush, mascara, lipstick – she applies the works. The train is her personal powder room, although she's likely sharing it with a few more female passengers who are also slathering on their morning shine.
Sound familiar? A British study in 2012 found that more than two-thirds of women apply makeup during their commute and, of those, 75 per cent have had a "cosmetic mishap." It's so frequent that Cosmopolitan UK recently posted, "How to do your makeup on your commute" tutorials on its website. The fashion website Refinery 29 recommends those engaging in a "Subway Session" carry a compact mirror and pack multiuse products in a clear makeup bag (to avoid fumbling for the right brush).
"There's a kind of hierarchy of public grooming," says Henry Alford, author of Would It Kill You to Stop Doing That? A Modern Guide to Manners. "As anyone who's ever sat in a waiting room knows, the history of sitting in waiting rooms is the history of watching women over 40 apply hand lotion. Which is totally fine. On the subway, too: totally innocuous. Lipstick on the subway: fine. Subsequent napkin blotting: fine. Application of base: still fine, though more complicated. Eyebrow maintenance: hmm. Mascara or eyeliner: emergency brake!"
Some consider it the female flip-side to the much-maligned practice of "manspreading." New York City's Metropolitan Transit Authority recently posted signs that read: "Clipping? Primping? Everyone wants to look their best, but it's a subway car, not a restroom." These may not have achieved the desired effect. "I do my makeup on the subway all the time," one advocate tweeted. "And I'll be damned if a weird MTA subtweet-level campaign is going to stop me."
Is it really too much to ask for women to get up a little earlier and don the mask at home? Men, for instance, do not shave on the subway. Why should women turn buses, subways and streetcars into mobile makeup application stations?
I don't know the answer to these questions, but I do know that if you direct any of them to a woman you will regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
In fact, suggesting that women "get up earlier" to do their makeup is a great way to ensure that you will have plenty of time alone to catch up on your reading. If you're considering a vow of celibacy and want to try it out before making a lifetime commitment, tell a woman she "should get up earlier" to do her makeup.
If you do get an answer, you'll be told that, whether or not you consider the application of makeup a symptom of the oppression of women, it's both unreasonable and hypocritical to expect the process to be hidden away. Besides, if men wore makeup, subway cars would be equipped with drop-down mirrors and Clinique Scruffing Lotion dispensers. And if women did get up earlier, would that solve the problem? Unlikely. For many, particularly those with kids, the only time women get to themselves is when they are unconscious.
"The ultimate self-beautification transgression, of course, is public toenail clipping," Alford says. "So, on those occasions when I've seen mass transit makeup application, I've consoled myself by thinking, 'Well, at least she's not clipping her toenails. At least she's not clipping her toenails and then awarding $5 to anyone who catches the toenails in a bucket or oversized drink container.'"
And at least she's not applying her makeup while driving, which around 43 per cent of female drivers admit to doing. That's a lot more antisocial and dangerous to more than our sense of propriety.
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Andrew Clark