1. If none of this is real and life is just a dream, am I still old?
2. Just because you drive a fancy car doesn't make you better than me, although, on the surface, that may appear to be the case.
3. I wonder if I can make a living being hired by multinationals to kill social networking trends? I mean, look at what I did to MySpace.
4. Morons in my mirrors are bigger morons than they appear.
5. If I were driving in the U.K. right now, I would be in a world of trouble.
6. Baseball or cricket? I go with cricket 'cause it's mysterious.
7. I've voted in every single election. Way to go, me.
8. That's right, car two blocks away - speed up, speed up, speed up, now slow down, slow down, slow down and crawl through the intersection. Light turns red. No left turn for me. Grazie mille!
9. Note to extreme sports promoters: Extreme starts with an "e" not an "x."
10. If you eat at a drive-thru for both breakfast and lunch, are you obligated to have dinner at one, too? Like a pitcher going for a no-hitter?
11. Yellows are the passive aggressives in the street-light family. When you go through one, you can almost hear it saying, "Oh, no problem, pretend I'm not here."
12. I've got it! I'm polytheistic because I don't believe in many different gods.
13. I wonder what people did before automatic transmission. Had self-respect, I guess.
14. Good-looking pedestrians should be forced to wear masks made out of ugly people to prevent them from distracting motorists.
15. I think I suffer from "Recurring Unwanted Thoughts Syndrome," also known as "thinking."
16. Four years from now, I'm going to buy an earth flag and drive around with it during the FIFA World Cup.
17. "Easy Rock" is neither easy, nor rock.
18. If I could think of more than one thing at a time, would my life improve or would I just have to do twice as much stuff?
19. Hey, that guy on that bike looks just like Terry Gilliam.
20. Brazil was a pretty good movie. The Brothers Grimm, not so much.
21. Where did that Terry Gilliam guy go?
22. Is there anything that smells better than freshly mown grass? Probably. Most perfume, for instance.
23. I should start biking to work but first I'll have to throw my bike in the car and drive to somewhere I'm not afraid to bicycle - like an abandoned marshmallow farm.
24. If I write 15,000 words a day, I can be done my novel in eight days!
25. Traffic-wise why does the colour red get such a bad rep? Tomatoes are red as are some apples. That's two positives right there.
26. Instead of "predeceased" why don't they say "first dead"? It would make it sound like they won something.
27. Thanks, encouraging electronic Inglis billboard, I was going to drive my minivan off the Gardiner Expressway but then you showed me a banal slogan (i.e. "Comedy is just a funny way of being serious.") and made me feel better.
28. "Call home." Did you say Free Gnome? "No, call home." Did you say Fall Rome? "No, call home. I SAID CALL HOME!" Did you say Cull Domes? "No." Thought: There must be some way to take this back to the store.
29. I wish that cute little dog sitting in your lap while you drive would bite your face off.
30. You should be allowed to use Air Miles to buy bags of chips.
31. Wake up America, vampires are not real.
32. If one of the people just watches, is it still a threesome?
33. Why do I even own a car? What's the point? It's hopeless. Oh, look, a parking space. Driving is fun.
34. The best part of driving is looking at all the people you're never going to have to meet.
35. You know what they say: Small dog plus big hands equals hand-sized dog.
36. If you're a drug addict and you quit dope but continue to smoke, everybody thinks that's a triumph. How is that fair to the rest of us who never thought of starting a drug addiction and then quitting so we could continue smoking?
37. Cube vans should be called faux trucks or trucks lite. They fool no one.
38. "Collector Lanes Moving Well." Shouldn't that be "Collector Lanes Moving? Well …"
39. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that during a business meeting, but, at least now that I am stuck in traffic I can think about it over and over again.
40. Home at last.