It’s that time of year again. Deranged maniacs walk the earth, ghouls haunt our shopping malls and thoroughfares, and evil lurks in every nook and cranny. Millions upon millions of sinister acts are being committed. Goblins and ghosts torment the living.
Also, Halloween is coming.
Yes, it’s the time of trick or treats, jack o’lanterns and the Vince Guaraldi Trio’s The Great Pumpkin Waltz played on a loop. Mothers will be driven to the brink of madness by children who say the My Babysitter’s A Vampire costume they somehow managed to sew is too tight. Fathers will swear because that’s what fathers do.
By nine o’clock, the kids will be on a sugar buzz and by 9:20 they’ll have crashed. Meanwhile, adults will spice up their routine of going to bars and self-medicating by dressing up in cheap costumes and going to bars and self-medicating. I get chills just thinking about it.
Yet, while Nosferatu are frightening and Frankenstein is an imposing figure, if you ask me there are few entities more terrifying than a scary driver. They’re lethal, they’re energetic and they’re everywhere. If these folks came out only once a year, that would be a great victory but sadly they’re a year-round phenomenon. Yet since the Season of the Witch is upon us, it seems a good time to identify the devils of the dashboard.
Are you a Scary Driver? Take this Road Sage Quiz and find out. Circle the correct answer.
1. What’s the proper way to grip the wheel?
a) I get close. I want the steering wheel to imprint on my chest. I grip it like it is the only thing between me and a 27-kilometre Felix Baumgartner free-fall.
b) I always keep my hands at 10 and 2. I try to send 10 texts every two minutes.
c) I get close to the wheel. So close that my arms bend at an extreme angle and I look like a T-Rex.
2) What’s the “Passing Lane” for?
a) You mean the “centre-middle-thingy?”
b) Like the name says, it’s the passing lane. When you want to let the person behind you pass (the one who has been honking at you for five minutes), you move into the passing lane to allow them to pass you on the right-hand side.
c) That’s where I put the car on cruise control at 75 km/h and practise mindfulness meditation.
d) I use it to pass. I drive 145 km/h, press my hand on the horn and speed. Then I pray that one day I finally get in an accident so I can miss work.
3) When pulling up behind another vehicle how close should you be?
a) Close enough to see their back tires.
b) Close enough to feel your bumper pressing against their back tires.
c) Close enough to see if the kids in the back seat have lice.
4) Answer Yes or No to the following questions:
Is there anything hanging from your rearview mirror? This includes saints.
Are you now or have you ever been accused of listening to EZ Rock?
Can you remember a time when Canadians had values?
Do you think bumper stickers are a good way to express your individuality?
Do you have a personalized licence plate? You know, something like “WLKNVD” OR “MMMMYBRAD.”
Do you think it’s okay to drink and drive because you’re good at it?
Have you ever finished a thought with the words, “I wonder what it feels like to kill somebody?”
5) What’s the best way to scan the road once the light has turned green?
a) Look left, look right, look ahead, and then look left again. If all is clear, drive forward.
b) Look around a bit. Just sit there stunned. Then finally exclaim, “Oh the light’s changed!” By then it’s red again.
c) Press gas pedal. Look down. Type “C u soon.” Press send.
d) Wake up. Look around. Where am I?
6) What kind of car do you drive?
a) A Ford truck. Of course. Go Leafs.
b) A Mazda RX-8. Go Canucks.
c) A BMW Series 3. I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned that yet.
d) A minivan. At this point I’m just waiting for death to come and claim me.
e) Car? Pshaw! I ride a bike and I sweat holy water. Well, it’s holier-than-thou water really.
7) In what decade did you first get your driver’s licence?
a) The 1930s. I drove down to the office and gave the guy a bottle of Canadian Club. Then he gave me my licence.
b) The 1950s. I went to office and swore not to be a communist or engage in creative thought. Then they gave me my licence.
c) The 1960s. I had it handed to me on a silver platter, like everything else.
d) The 1970s. You had to go to the office and say, “Disco sucks.”
e) The 1980s. I did a line of coke with guy at the Copa. Turned out he worked at the Ministry of Transport. It was excellent.
f) 1990s. I had to give blood and a urine sample. Then an MRI and a personality evaluation. Then I was on triple double secret probation for seven years.
g) 2000s. I currently have a Learners Level 3 Probationary Permit, which allows me to look at cars. I’m hoping to get my Learners Level 2 Probationary Permit next year, which will allow me to drive if I’m accompanied by three adults and an over-bearing step-parent. If all goes well I should get my full driver’s license by the time I’m 65.
What’s your score? If you think this is a serious quiz, then you fail.
Follow Andrew Clark on Twitter: @aclarkcomedy