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Road Sage

Are you ready to pimp your ride? Add to ...

They can be found in every city and town. Young drivers sporting tricked-out rides showing their power off at the outlet mall. Ever wondered how one joins their elite ranks? What does it take?

First, get yourself a Honda Civic, Intrega, Mitsubishi Lancer or a 1995 Nissan 240SX, or any other car that would normally be used by an auto phobic worker ant to shuffle to and from his cubicle. Now lay down your parents’ hard-earned cash.

Are you ready to take that next step?

To tint your windows, pimp your suspension and put speakers in your trunk so you can blare remixes of bad ’90s dance tunes? Take the Road Sage “Souped Up Quiz” and find out. Circle the correct answer.

1. What’s the best way to soup-up my Civic?

A) Purchase seven cases of chicken soup. Empty soup contents into the Civic. Go back to playing “World of Warcraft.”

B) Take $50,000 and spend it on parts and accessories for a $12,000 car. Then spray paint “I am sexually inadequate” on both sides of the vehicle in neon green paint.

C) Buy a spoiler.

2. You pull your tuned Lancer Evolution up to the intersection. You have your baseball hat on, your childhood friend in the passenger seat (you remember the time that guy did that thing and everybody laughed? Man, that was epic). Your Evo is tricked out. You’ve replaced the grill, the sound system, spent thousands on the suspension, and installed a cold air intake. What are the other drivers thinking?

A) Looking at that souped-up ride, I’m not sure whether to vomit or laugh. I think I’ll do both.

B) I am so glad I am too old to understand what this means.

C) Thinking about the amount of effort and thought that must have gone into turning that lame-assed car into a gaudy monstrosity makes me question the existence of a benevolent god.

3. Is a souped-up Mini Cooper cool? Will it attract girls?

A) No

B) It.

C) Won’t.

4. It’s okay to soup up cars normally used by mid-level bureaucrats because …

A) What’s a bureaucrat?

B) My car is a reflection of me. A loud, gaudy, fake exterior masking an interior that lacks genuine passion and power.

C) I’m using “The Secret.” My life’s ambition is to one day be a mid-level bureaucrat.

D) It’s cool.

5. By definition “souped-up” means …

A) Enhanced or increased power, speed, performance and appeal.

B) “You’re just a 3 dressed up as a 9. You’re just wasting my time.”

C) “Pot-hole crusher, red light rusher, musher of a brother ’cause I’m plowin’ over suckers.”

D) A car made from separate elements. Like soup.

6. It’s okay to soup-up a Nissan Skyline GT-R because ...

A) It’s a truly amazing car – a supercar – a car made for souping.

B) Vin Diesel says it is and he should know. He’s bald.

C) Not a car you are likely to fit a family in comfortably.

D) Man, I wish I had one of those. That car is the bisque!

7. The term “soup-up” first originated in what year?

A) 1898 – when all cars were manufactured from soup cans.

B) 1931 – when soup kitchens doubled as auto body shops.

C) 1965 – when the Beach Boys sang “You’re my insert car name. Help me get insert name of girl. So I can win the big race.”

D) 2001 – Michael Jackson tricks out his Bentley Arnage Red Label Turbo sedan and uses it to transport singers such as Nick Carter, Reba McEntire and Tom Petty to his Neverland Ranch to make the video “What More Can I Give?” charity video.

E) 2005 – when one auto parts exec turned to another and said, “I bet we can get those morons to spend a fortune on the cars their parents buy them.”

8. It’s unfair to make fun of people who soup-up mid-range vehicles because …

A) They love their cars. What’s wrong with that?

B) There is an art to taking something that on the surface seems dull and buttoned down and, by expending countless hours and thousands of dollars, makes it slightly less so.

C) They do such a good job of it themselves.

Correct answers: 1. A, 2. B, 3. C, 4. C, 5. D, 6. B, 7. D, 8. A

What does your score say about you?

1-3 correct: Sorry, you seem to possess too much self-respect. No soup for you!

4-6 correct: You may have what it takes. Go buy a 1994 Honda Accord, drop in a V-Tec engine in it and throw on some new rims.

7-8 correct: You’re already in soup so deep your middle name is Campbells. Is that an Acura I see before me? If so, slap a spoiler on it and tint the windows!

Follow Andrew Clark on Twitter: @aclarkcomedy

Follow on Twitter: @aclarkcomedy


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