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I know what you're thinking, Barbie: “Ken would never do anything like that.” (MARK LENNIHAN/AP)
I know what you're thinking, Barbie: “Ken would never do anything like that.” (MARK LENNIHAN/AP)

Road Sage

Dear Barbie: Sorry I stole your car. I was drunk Add to ...

A British man has been banned from driving for three years after police pulled him over while driving a toy Barbie car while drunk.

Paul Hutton, 40, said he regrets the decision to use the toy - which can reach a top speed of 6.4 km/h - to drive to a friend's house after he had been drinking, Britain's Daily Mail newspaper reported.

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QMI Agency

Miss Barbie Millicent Roberts Willows, Wisconsin United States of America

Dear Barbie,

By now you will have realized that your car is no longer in your driveway and you are probably wondering how it came to not be there. Well, it's a glass half full, glass half empty kind of a thing. First the good news: Yesterday you did not drive your pretty pink toy car while drunk. Congratulations. You are to be commended for your responsible behaviour. You're a role model to be emulated.

Okay, now the bad news. While you did not drive your car drunk, someone else did and when they (let's call them "me") were in the process of doing so, said behaviour caught the attention of law enforcement officials. Charges were laid and a plea was entered. Needless to say, in the future I will be a much more fit and eco-friendly human being.

I know what you're thinking: "Ken would never do anything like that."

No, probably not, perfect Ken Carson would never down a few ales and take Barbie's car for a little joy ride. He might go for a joy walk. Maybe. Still, he's not perfect and if you are remembering him as such then it is with rose coloured glasses nestled snugly on your divine plastic nose. Remember back in 1993 when he went through the whole experimental "Earring Magic Ken" phase? Remember how he split with you back in 2004? Is that equivalent to drunken car borrowing? No. But it is less than Ken-like behaviour.

By now you may be wondering: Why would a grown man cram himself into a car designed for a toddler and attempt to use it as a mode of transportation?

What can I say? I was buzzed and feeling a "little bit Barbie" and wanted, just for a briefly shining moment, to feel the way you feel when you are behind the wheel of your sweet ride. Can you dig that Barbie? To feel desired and envied by all as I rolled past, the wheel in my hand, the wind in my hair. As a former NASCAR driver you will appreciate my lust for motorized exhilaration. Speed Barbie, the open road, you know what I'm talking about.

It might come down to loneliness, a condition you can't even begin to fathom. You are popular, so you take it for granted; you've got your pink posse (Midge, Kayla, Teresa, Steven, and Christie). You're cool. I suppose that's why both Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhart Jr. had you as one of their "fangirls." I guess when I poured beer onto my insecurities it drove me to desire to be in your car.

Also, let the record show that I thought I was making the responsible choice when I elected to take your car and if my lawyer had ARGUED my case a little bit more artfully I might have received better treatment from the so-called judicial system.

Here's the outline of my case:

  • Point 1) I was drunk.
  • Point 2) I was too drunk to drive a car.
  • Point 3) I was too drunk to walk.
  • Point 4) I wanted to visit a friend down the street.
  • Point 5) You were not using your Barbie car (which I had not, until that point, ever even touched let alone borrowed without official consent).
  • Point 6) Taking the Barbie car was the only viable course of action.
  • Point 7) I entered the Barbie car in such a way as to start its ignition and steer it out of the driveway.

At my hearing, the judge asked me to apologize for my actions and I suppose if I had acquiesced my punishment would have been mitigated. But that would have been a lie Barbie, a horrible, toxic lie. I regret causing you trouble but I do not regret taking a hammered spin in your Barbie mobile. From the minute I jammed my adult male legs into that seat designed for four year olds, I knew I was making the right decision, the only decision. I felt its feminine power. The wheels rolled and hummed. All eyes were on me. I could hear Honeymoon Suite's Stay in the Light playing in my head.

Have you ever seen Thelma and Louise Barbie? Well, it was just like that except no cliff at the end and going slower than a you can walk.

Barbie, you once said, "Will we ever have enough clothes?" and "Where are the snows of yesteryear?" It is to this Barbie, the philosopher/statesperson that I am appealing to for forgiveness. Blame the road not the driver Barbie.

You also once said, "Math is hard."

Math is hard Barbie.

We all make mistakes. I will never be able to explain why I got drunk and took your car. For that, at least, I apologize.

Follow on Twitter: @aclarkcomedy

 

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