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A model poses beside a Lamborghini Aventador at the Geneva motor show in February, 2011. (VALENTIN FLAURAUD/REUTERS/Valentin Flauraud)
A model poses beside a Lamborghini Aventador at the Geneva motor show in February, 2011. (VALENTIN FLAURAUD/REUTERS/Valentin Flauraud)

Road Sage

Scientists discover what women really want Add to ...

Men who drive flashy cars want no-strings-attached sex. This finding was part of four separate studies released two weeks ago by researchers at the University of Texas-San Antonio, the University of Minnesota and Rice University. The scientists surveyed almost 1,000 men and women, aged between 18 and 57, who received "romantic priming" and then answered questions. They discovered that women find a guy driving a Porsche Boxster sexier than a guy driving a Honda Civic.

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The "women like guys in expensive cars" epiphany was the big finding. There was little word on the fellows but it's a fair bet that gay males would be more attracted to a guy driving a 2012 Porsche 911 than a dude driving a Civic. Straight men would probably be more likely to experiment with the Porsche driver and I'd bet that 30 per cent of them would go all the way with a guy driving a Lamborghini Aventador.

"Porsches can serve the same function for some men that large and brilliant feathers serve for peacocks," said the study's principal author Dr. Jill Sundie, an assistant professor of marketing at the University of Texas-San Antonio. Conspicuous consumption, she maintained, "appears to be a behaviour that is much more likely to occur if the guy is seeking short-term relationships, and he is thinking about a situation where he might be able to get one of those short-term relationships."

Other scientific discoveries from last week include, "When it rains you get wet" and, "If you stop eating you'll eventually die."

Here are a few other signs that a man is seeking a "short-term" relationship:

  1. You met him at "No Strings" Swingers club out by the airport.
  2. Knows what "romantic priming" is.
  3. Overall cheerful disposition.
  4. Thinks your boyfriend "is a great guy."
  5. Bought Rick Springfield's memoir Late, Late at Night before it was remaindered.
  6. Refers to you as "you" throughout dinner and before, during and after sex.
  7. Inhales oxygen. Exhales carbon dioxide.

So that's the men. What about the ladies? The studies found that females don't spend money to attract men. "Obviously women spend plenty of money on expensive things," said Sundie. "But the anticipation of romance doesn't trigger flashy spending as it does with some men." No, the anticipation in women triggers enormous spending on shoes. Still, there must be some sexual signals we can discern from the wheels females choose? For instance, if a woman drives a Mini Cooper does that mean she's into short men?

I polled a few women to see what their cars say about what they want in a man and now present this brief primer. Ladies, start your engines.

Jeep Wrangler

"I have every tool you could possibly need stored in my Jeep Wrangler. Why? Because I'm looking for a man who doesn't feel compelled to tell me how to fix everything. I'm looking for a guy who, when I say, 'My boss is being a jerk,' doesn't then reply, 'Why don't you quit your job?' And then, 'Why don't you look for a new job?' And then finally, 'If you're not going to quit your job and not going to look for a new job why do you keep complaining about it?' When I say my boss is a jerk, you can just sit there silently (a nod would be nice). Just keep the discussion advice-free."

Porsche Boxster (convertible)

"I'm financially secure and looking for fun, free, no-strings-attached sex, with a similarly minded and financially stable male. If this no-strings-attached sex blossoms into a more long-lasting committed relationship, I'm okay with that, but, I want to be clear, I totally don't care. I am in no way into commitment. Still, I've heard that these kinds of passionate flings can develop into intimate, caring relationships. Look, I'm not crazy. If we have a no-strings fling and then we both fall madly in love and decide we can't live without each other, I'm not going to fight it. But who cares! Let's just have fun, no-strings-attached sex!"

Honda Civic

"I'm looking for a guy who won't treat visiting my family as if it was an appointment to have his wisdom teeth removed. Do you still have your own hair? Bonus."

Toyota Sienna minivan

"I'm open to any romantic distraction that will divert me from obsessing about my kids elementary school grades. Should I keep my son in French Immersion? My daughter's Grade 2 music mark is a tad low. Should I have her teacher fired? Oh my God, why did I quit my job as a surgeon? What have I done?"

1999 Plymouth Voyager

"I'm an old-fashioned gal who's into light bondage and 19th century narratives. If you know when the 19th century was and what a narrative is, I'll have coffee with you."

Subaru Forester

"It doesn't really matter who you are because, when we make love, I'm going to pretend you're George Clooney anyway. Every once in a while I'll switch to Jet Li just to keep things interesting."

MX-5 Miata

"I'm not really looking for a guy."

Follow Andrew Clark on Twitter: @aclarkcomedy

Follow on Twitter: @aclarkcomedy

 

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