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Road Sage

Sex in cars: the naked truth Add to ...

What is it with cars and sex?

Since their invention people have used them as rolling mattresses. It may be that human beings are hard-wired to turn everything into a sexual opportunity, but there’s no disputing that the automobile has a special place in our libidinous lexicon. You can have the old bike/car debate all you want but when was the last time you heard of someone doing it on a TRC Advanced?

The only thing more eternal than the romance of the automobile is romance in an automobile. So, in honour of Valentine’s Day and never letting a holiday go unexploited, here is a survey of steaming windows and buckling bucket seats through the ages.

1890

If you own a car in this era then you’re getting action. It’s the 19th century equivalent of owning a space ship. Hop in your Benz-Patent Motorwagen and take it on a country spin. Caution: the Motorwagen is more like a glorified tricycle. If you attempt sexual congress inside it you may be spotted and then will likely be burnt at the stake. Crawl underneath or find a haystack. Sheesh!

1927

Prohibition in the United States makes drinking even more popular. In Canada it makes drinking even more lucrative. Take the clams you earn running moonshine into Detroit and buy your self a Model T. Then have a petting party. Ditch the fire extinguisher (chaperone), climb in your breezer (convertible) and you’re a cinch to find a flapper worth the gas money. And how!

1936

Times are tough. No one has work. Folks ride the rails. All you have left are your shoes and your car. Take off your shoes. Get in your car with your sweetheart. Luckily what you’re about to do doesn’t cost money. Lean your back against the steering wheel, tilt your head a bit and, POW, now that’s what I call a “New Deal.”

1950

Welcome to the Golden Age of auto-shagging. Want to eat a cheeseburger, wash it down with a Coca-Cola and toss the wrapper on the sidewalk? Cruise your Buick Roadmaster to the Passion Pit Drive-in so you can steam the windows, ignore the movie and play a little back-seat bingo? Go ahead. These are the Fifties and everything anyone in North America wants to do is considered okay. Tired of doing it in your car? You can always go down to your dad’s bomb shelter.

1969

Hey man, It’s “ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.” Well, nobody except the baby boomer generation, but that’s beside the point. It’s the summer of love and despite getting a hate-on for all technology the hippies love the Volkswagen Beetle. Its chief advantage: the car is so small it’s almost impossible not to have sex in it.

1977

Rotund singer Meat Loaf immortalizes bad car sex in his rock anthem Paradise by the Dashboard Light. Despite his depiction of “stealing home,” teenage sexual desperation and unwanted pregnancy, sex in cars remains popular with teenagers.

1982

You are not the kind of guy who would be in a car like this at this time of the morning. But here you are, and you cannot say that the terrain is entirely unfamiliar, although the details are fuzzy. ... Just say no – to not doing drugs and not having sex in your “Little Red Corvette.”

1993

Surveillance cameras are planted all over making illicit automotive encounters more difficult to execute in secrecy. Meanwhile, the popularity of SUVs causes an explosion in soon-to-be over-protective parents coupling in Land Rovers and Ford Escapades.

2001

A bad era for car sex (see: Prius). It’s hard to get that loving feeling about when you’re obsessing about global warming and terrorism. On the bright side, all that Nortel stock you’re holding will set you up for life.

2011

Daring couples worldwide begin using GPS devices as sexual aids. This results in some very painful wrong turns.

2035

Grandpa can remember when your automobile only said, “Your door is ajar.” Smart cars now offer sex advice. Most popular suggestions are: “Slow down”, “Make eye contact” and “Don’t do it.”

2065

You always have sex in your car. Why? You live in your car. Why? Everyone lives in their car. Why? The earth is too crowded. Wow. This is ironic.

Why complicate your car? More bling for your thing and extra comfort means extra cash

*****

Speed Date: Panamera is a great highway hauler, but it’s not the Porsche for me, writes Peter Cheney

 

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