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Humour: Road Sage

The Great Canadian Cyclists Exam Add to ...

As everyone who suffered through one knows, motorists are required to pass a driver's exam. They must demonstrate a minimum competence and show they can safely navigate our country's streets and highways.

Cyclists need no licence. You hop on your bike and off you go.

In the interest of universal unfairness, it's time to knock motorists down a peg or three

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It's strange because a bicycle is a vehicle in the same way that a bow and arrow is a weapon. A gun, like an automobile, is the more dangerous of the two but the fact that a bow and arrow is powered by a person doesn't mean it's completely harmless. Irresponsible or incompetent handling can render it deadly. So why not test cyclists? At least make them answer a few questions to show they know the difference between a green and yellow light?

So, in the interests of public safety, Road Sage presents the first Great Canadian Cyclists Exam.

Circle the correct answer.

1. You encounter the following sign. You

a) Report it to police. I don't care what the fancy pants art critics say, graffiti is a crime.

b) What? I can't hear you. I've got my iPod on.

c) If by "stop" you mean "keeping going" then yes, I "stop."

2. What lane of the roadway should you ride in before making a left turn?

a) The far left lane in my direction unless signs or pavement markings inform me otherwise.

b) The lane I'm in. Unless I'm changing lanes and then the lane I'm going into.

c) Whatever's free, you know, I'm not bound by corporate constraints.

d) I can do it from any lane. Wanna see?

3. A car is 50 yards in front of you signalling that it is about to make a right turn. What should you do?

a) Bust ass pedalling as fast as I can and then blow by the right side of the car screaming "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING A**HOLE!"

b) All of the above.

4. When approaching a motorist in your lane the safest action to take is ...

a) Drive onto the sidewalk and swerve through some people and then pop this awesome jump back onto the road.

b) Try to squeeze by. Put your foot on the car if it's stopped. Push off and try to get out in front.

c) What the f**k is that car doing on the road?

d) Spit.

5. You encounter the following sign. It indicates…

a) Silhouette crossing.

b) Caution: Reductivist artists at work.

c) Pedestrian are permitted.

d) Pedestrian are permitted - to kiss my bicycle-sculpted ass!

6. Never attempt to make a lane change in traffic until you are sure that you have …

a) Failed to do a shoulder check.

b) Made a swirly gesture with one of your arms.

c) Made sure you are not wearing a helmet.

d) Begun making it already.

7. You are wearing gorgeous racing gear. Shorts so tight they look as if they were handed-rubbed into you by a team of Kiehl's interns. Your junk sits on your rock-hard bike seat looking like a robin's nest stuffed in a Lycra bag. You look HOT. You …

a) Speed though the streets of Saskatoon and then through the Cranberry Flats pretending to be racing the Tour de France then head back to your place to watch the Nurse Jackie episode you PVR-ed, eat a ripe mango and then pleasure yourself.

b) Speed through the streets of Vancouver pretending to race the Tour de France then ride to Kitsilano and have vegetarian food at The Naam. Get home, watch the UFC and pleasure yourself.

c) Speed through the streets of Toronto pretending to be racing the Tour de France then stop by Cherry Beach and pleasure yourself. Head home and watch The Sopranos on HD DVD. Think: Tony Soprano takes antidepressants. Why shouldn't I?

8. You're bicycling up hill, your four-year-old son in a bike carriage rigged behind your vintage bike. You're talking on your cellphone, you're wearing flip-flops and you're not wearing a helmet. This is okay because …

a) Though I despise motorists, I trust them and their skills enough to weave in and out of traffic taxiing my child around in a carriage that sits on two small bike wheels and is constructed from netting and wire.

b) Look at me! Look at me!

c) The time my child spends staring at my ass while I bicycle is quality time.

9. It is January and a storm warning is in effect. Conditions are treacherous. Snow piling up. The roads are slick. You …

a) Throw on your Mountain Equipment Co-op Gear and get on the road. You have a life to endanger!

b) Time make winter your bitch. Down a Red Bull, slap on a tuque and start biking. This will look so good on YouTube.

c) This is the 12th step. Facing fear. Climb onto your rusty steed and with great trepidation roll down the frozen labyrinth but first apologize to everyone you've ever wronged.

10. You see a sign that reads "Collector moving very well. Express moving well." It indicates …

a) You are hallucinating.

What's your score?

Answers: If you answered B you are correct. B is always correct because B is for bicycle and bicyclists are always right. That's the first rule of cycling.

*****

In the interest of universal unfairness, it's time to knock motorists down a peg or three

 

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