"Just as planning for job retirement is the social norm, we should be planning for driving retirement by creating programs to help seniors drive safely for as long as possible and, when they can't, to help them get around."
- Canadian Medical Association Journal editorial, March 2010
Dear Mature Driver,
Thank you for your interest in the Senior Driver Integration Program. Below you will find information that will help you better understand our mission statement and target outcomes.
What is the Senior Driver Integration Program?
The Senior Driver Integration Program requires each driver over the age of 65 to undergo a "65 Alive" evaluation process. You will face a series of tests designed to measure your ability to operate a motor vehicle. These may include: vision, cognitive operation, hand-eye co-ordination and electro-shock therapy. After your assessment you will be given a driver designation: either "A" for adult or "O" for old.
Why Are Seniors Being Forced to Undergo Such Tests?
As a senior citizen, you've been an active part of the country's growth. You've lived through such trials as the Second World War, the Great Depression, the '60s and the Cold War and we're grateful. Really, thanks for that; that was awesome. But, now you're very old, and frankly you're kind of spooky. As we grow old, our bodies change. For instance, we get less hot. While certain bodily functions increase as we age (such as the ability to complain) others do not. Muscles decay and reaction times slow. Your driving may begin to suck.
The Senior Driver Integration Program helps the government determine which of you are competent to drive an automobile (hint: not many) and which of you will be relieved of the onerous burden of driving.
But If You Take Away My Car I Will Be House Bound!
Well, technically, yes, especially if you own a house. However, while you may not have a car to drive, you will have access to Canada's senior-friendly public transit system. You will also receive a free iPod shuffle loaded with "The Very Very Best of Bachman-Turner Overdrive."
How Does This Program Support Road Safety?
The Senior Driver Integration Program is unique in that it pretty much only targets those who have, literally, been driving for decades without any accidents. By identifying somebody with a 50-year spotless record and making them undergo a series of humiliating tests, the program eliminates that most dangerous road liability - those you least suspect.
Take the "65 Alive" Self-Evaluation Quiz
Part A: Answer "True" or "False" to the following questions:
- The word "impact" is not a verb.
- I know who Robert Stanfield was.
- Same-sex marriage is okay as long as it's between a man and a woman.
- I have seen fire and I have seen rain.
- The most important thing is your health.
- In life, you've got to eat at least a pound of dirt.
- I sang "Hey Friend, Say Friend" at Expo '67.
- Food allergies are all in your head.
- Television will put an end to talking pictures.
- I am competent to drive an automobile.
If you answered "true" to any of the above questions, you are either suffering from or on the verge of an embarrassing senility.
Part B: Visual Analysis.
- Take your right hand.
- Raise this hand until it is in front of your face.
- Can you see it?
If the answer is "no" you have a problem. If your answer is "yes" then you have a problem being honest.
How Will Drivers Who Don't Speak English be able to Participate in "65 Alive"?
If you don't know how to speak English how did you ask that question?
Aren't there any other measures seniors can take to improve their driving?
No. As mentioned before, you're old. Why can't you just say, "Okay, I'm good," and let it go? Take long walks. Try marijuana. Avoid cars. Make your grandchildren visit you for a change. Do not, repeat not, stop paying your taxes. Just stay healthy and active and prepare for death.
I've Failed "65 Alive." Now what?
An appointment may be necessary. Please get your affairs in order and await instructions. If someone you don't know comes to your door, open it.
Andrew Clark