Kate Robertson: Driving SchoolFred Lum/The Globe and Mail
"Did I ever tell you about how defensive driving changed the way I work with my kids?" My friend, who is also named Kate, lives in Halifax and works with at-risk youth in the north end of the city. Unfortunately, Kate never had the chance to tell me what she meant because she had to go on her honeymoon. But it seems to me that the elements of defensive driving could apply to a lot of different things - whatever happens to be on your mind.
Take, say, relationships.
The first rule of defensive driving is space. It's important to keep a certain amount of space between cars so that if something happens, there's enough time to do something (drive into a ditch, panic, etc.) to avoid a collision.
Click here for Kate Robertson's original Driving School story
"You're at fault if you rear-end someone and if you back into someone," driving instructor Rob reminds the class. So the rule is, leave at least three seconds of space between cars when you're driving in the city, and increase that to about six on the highway. The faster you're going, the more space you need.
Blame my age, blame my self-indulgence, blame that detestable show Sex in the City , but I couldn't help thinking that this is one of the most important lessons I've learned from dating. I cherish my own space, working on my own projects and having a certain amount of independence. If that space is threatened, I lash out, claiming that I'm making too many compromises too quickly. Even if you're so hung up on someone you just want to cling on, you have to maintain your own identity if you're going to feel good about yourself. The parallel is lost, I guess, if you consider highway-driving the same as being in a serious relationship. Space is sacrificed when you move in together Or is it? Maybe marriage is exactly like driving on the highway. Kind of boring.
Another important aspect of defensive driving is communication, where it's crucial to use your signals, brake lights, horn and headlights to let other drivers know what you're doing. In return, your job is to read other people's signals, take cues from what they're communicating both with the tools they have and whatever driving behaviour they're exhibiting.
This is probably the most obvious aspect of a healthy relationship, but I know I still have to actively remind myself that no one is going to know what I'm thinking unless I say it. This is also probably my strongest point, but it's difficult territory to navigate if you're actually in a relationship. It's hard to find people who want to have a productive argument, for example. It's even harder to remember that it's not about winning. It's about getting somewhere.
"What is the difference between defensive driving and courteous driving?" Rob asks the class. "In courteous driving, you're doing something for someone else. In defensive driving, you're looking out for everyone else, sticking to your guns, not giving up control."
And I know, I know. I'm starting to sound a bit like a total control-freak that can't let other people in. And, actually, that's entirely possible. But I also think that just like in defensive driving, it's crucial to stick to your guns and not let a partner push you around. This is a common problem I see in my friends' relationships - there's usually one person who dominates (usually the person who makes more money), and one who is dominated. Again, I feel like a healthy relationship should have as much balance as possible. Don't be a doormat! The things you want to do are just as important.
Finally, Rob wanted to remind the class that soon we will no longer be the pedestrians. "You're on the other side now," he says. "You'll see how aggravating you can be!"
Put into perspective, it's an important lesson. I've been a pedestrian and cyclist for a long time now, sometimes feeling a little self-righteous as I weave between cars, jaywalk and ignore traffic signals. When I finally get to drive, I doubt I'll be the raging driver that bangs on her steering wheel in frustration when people get in her way. But never say never.
When it comes to resolving problems in a relationship, how important is it to remember that everyone has a perspective, and you have to respect it? Maybe that's why we date people we have stuff in common with. But no one wants to date themselves - that just seems kind of gross. So, we seek out people who challenge us and introduce us to new things. It's way more interesting.
At break, the Teeners talk about last year's prom, a teacher at their school that was reduced to tears more than once and where to get the cheapest tanning salon deal in the neighbourhood. And I'm glad I waited to learn to drive until later in life, you know? I had no idea who I was when I was 17. Who knows what could have happened!
Click here for Kate Robertson's original Driving School story