Stars and Dogs for the week of March 6

Man at airport: "Welcome to Canada." Wife arriving from Africa: "What's this?" Man: "Tim Hortons coffee. Everyone drinks it here." Wife: "It's awful." Man: "I know. But you can't avoid it. They're opening 900 new stores in the next three years." Wife: "When can I go back to Africa?"

(Based on a true story.)

Activities in which Canada kicks U.S. butt: 

1) Hockey; 2) Women's hockey;  3) Banking. Even as U.S. bank stocks remain stuck in a rut a year after the financial crisis, Canadian banks are skating away with boffo first-quarter profits. TD Bank hauled in $1.3-billion, driven by record results in personal and commercial banking. CIBC and BMO also topped estimates, sending their shares into the top corner. Shoots, scores!

What could be better than a plate of chocolate chip pancakes topped with icing sugar and whipped cream, followed by a slab of banana caramel cheesecake for dessert?

Answer: Owning shares of the company that operates International House of Pancakes. DineEquity, which also runs Applebee's, served up results that topped forecasts as U.S. consumers regained their appetite for eating out. Investors are, burp, enjoying every bite.

Stop giggling, children.

The folks at BJ's Wholesale Club have heard all your puerile jokes before. 

Besides, they're in no mood for humour after the warehouse club retailer forecast 2010 results below estimates, blaming intense competition and tight-fisted consumers. If you must know, the chain was named after Beverly Jean, a daughter of one of the founders. Now wash your mouth out with soap.

Things the new iPad can't do: 1) Wash and fold your shirts; 2) Give you a hot oil massage; 3) Cook you bacon and eggs for breakfast. Still, investors are convinced there's no limit to what the iPad can do - especially for Apple's bottom line. The stock surged after Apple said it plans to start selling the touch-screen computer in the U.S. on April 3. Canadians will have to wait until late April.

Apple