A humorous look at the companies that caught our eye, for better or worse, this week
GOLD - DOG
Those gold bugs sure are smart guys. They told me to invest in real assets that are yellow, heavy and of enduring worth, so I packed my freezer full of Tater Tots. Turns out that frozen food holds its value a lot better than bullion. Tastier, too.
Spot gold, $1,099.11 (U.S.)/oz., down $35.03 or 3.1% over week
APPLE - DOG
Siri, what do you call someone with grandiose expectations? Ah, that’s right: an Apple shareholder. The announcement this week of a 45-per-cent leap in profit wasn’t enough to satisfy the company’s pampered investors. They would also like ponies for Christmas, please.
AAPL (Nasdaq), $124.50 (U.S.), down $5.21 or 4% over week
VALEANT - STAR
Valeant is experimenting with a new wonder drug – its own shares. Users report feelings of euphoria as they contemplate the pharmaceutical company’s surging stock price. But watch out for side effects: A persistent inability to recall conservative accounting standards.
VRX (TSX), $326.70, up $20.19 or 6.6% over week
BARRICK GOLD - DOG
Corporate strategy doesn’t have to be difficult. For instance, when Barrick concluded it was too focused on gold, it expanded into copper mining. With metals prices hitting multiyear lows, this now allows it to get crushed from two directions. See? Business really is that simple.
ABX (TSX), $9.47, down $1.88 or 16.6% over week
AMAZON - STAR
Yes, officer, my Amazon stock was just sitting there when suddenly it went all crazy. Turns out it was hopped up on something called “profit.” I never suspected it had a taste for that sort of thing. I mean, it hadn’t gone near the stuff for a long time.
AMZN (Nasdaq), $529.42 (U.S.), up $46.41 or 9.6% over week