My husband and I have an understanding that has held strong throughout our marriage. If either of us wants to make a sizeable purchase that falls outside of our planned household budget - say spending $250 for a new iPod or a new rug for the living room - we talk about it first. Sticking within our budget is important to us both and it takes two to make it work, so open communication about our spending is a commitment we take seriously.
Some may argue that we have sacrificed our independence on the altar of fiscal prudence and I don't disagree. But raising a family together is a partnership. Financial infidelity can be just as damaging to that partnership as the emotional and physical kind. The few times one of us has cheated - financially, that is - it has come with instant regret and a commitment to communicate better. Secret spending and hidden debt can be serious relationship wreckers.
Yet, financial infidelity is a common affliction in many relationships. According to a recent survey commissioned by U.S. non-profit CESI Debt Solutions, 80 per cent of married couples spend money their spouse does not know about and almost 18.5 per cent of those married people have credit cards their spouses do not know about.
Many of these spouses committed their indiscretions even though they knew there would be serious results if their partner learned the truth. Of the married couples surveyed, 38 per cent were concerned the revelation of their secret spending would result in their spouse seeking divorce or separation.
What are these spouses so bent on buying that they're willing to risk their relationships? The usual discretionary consumer suspects: The biggest area for spending is clothing and accessories at 34.5 per cent, followed by food and dining at 24 per cent, and beauty and personal care items at 19.5 per cent. Disconcertingly, 13 per cent of those surveyed blow their secret cash on alcohol.
When asked why the spending was kept secret, more than 60 per cent responded it was to avoid problems at home. Many suggested that they were currently paying off the debt and that their spouse did not need to know about it. Some said that they planned to tell their spouse, but weren't ready yet. A full 27 per cent said that they would never tell their spouse about their spending.
Personal finance guru Dave Ramsey recently featured the issue of financial infidelity on his website and believes it can easily cause a relationship breakdown. "Do it once and you've lied," he writes. "Do this a few times and your spouse will get angry. Do it often and it will lead to marriage problems."
He views a family's household budget as a contract between spouses, in which they've agreed not to spend any money that's not written down. "When you break that contract, that's the same as lying to your spouse's face. It may not seem bad, but a blown budget can lead to bounced cheques and humiliation. Before you know it, you two are fighting and losing trust with one another."
The key to staying on track with your spending is to keep communicating. Even if you don't agree on how much to spend on a particular budget category, Mr. Ramsey suggests, try to reach a compromise and keep working on it together.
If you're open and honest with each other about spending, that new iPod or designer pair of shoes won't come at the expense of your relationship.