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Dear Mr. Smith,

A woman met a man at a gym. They exchanged idle chatter and flirted. The woman did not pursue the man's attentions at that time, because she was not single. Now that she is single, she is thinking of this man, but she has no way of re-establishing the acquaintance since they no longer attend the same gym. He never gave her his phone number, but mentioned his place of work. Can she track him down and call him there, or would it smack of desperation?

Ah, the backup guy. Everyone has a few: those flirtatious people we keep stored in a file marked, "In case of breakup." They're the little rescue dinghies being towed at a safe distance behind every sinking relationship. But they're really of no use unless you know how to get in touch with them when the ship really does go down.

I'm fascinated by how the gym seems such a sexual cauldron. I get two or three gym-seduction questions a month. The problem with gym romance is that the etiquette is confused: The official line is that seduction is not appropriate in this arena, this deadly serious temple of the body, and yet everyone knows that it is unavoidable in a place where people get hot together in scanty clothes.

So the official line has come up with a compromise: It's okay if women get flirty in the gym, but if guys do it, they are being aggressive. Okay, we can handle this. In fact, as long as attached women keep using the gym to cultivate their backups, as this one appears to be doing, we will be delighted.

But your question wonders about her attractiveness. If she seems to be searching for this guy a little too hard, she does risk appearing a little obsessed. And I can hear all the guys reading this saying, "So?" No red-blooded dude minds being obsessed about. No guy minds being pursued. If he turns her down because he's worried about playing conventional roles, then he's a jerk anyway. So she should go for it: Her method of contacting him won't matter at all after a few dates.

One thing you - I mean she - has neglected to ascertain, however, is whether he is single too. How do you know he wasn't doing exactly the same thing you were, you married gym-flirter?

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