THE QUESTION
My long-term girlfriend and I have been having a hard time getting pregnant. We go to the doctor, have all kinds of intrusive treatments - charts, kits and thermometers. I have to have sex on demand, we have to do it just the right way and I have to be ready at a moment's notice. It's been going on for months and we've started to fight a lot over the issue.
Lately, I started to wonder if it's all worth it. I suggested we adopt, but she wants a child with our genes. Then I made the mistake of suggesting maybe it wasn't meant to be.
She questioned my commitment to having children with her, and left the next day to stay temporarily with her parents until she figures out if she wants to continue trying with me. I was just being honest! Should I stay the course or bail and find someone I'm maybe more compatible with?
THE ANSWER
I know these things can be tough, and a terrible strain on a relationship.
You weren't too specific about where you are in the process, but from how it sounds - basal thermometers and (I'm guessing) ovulation prediction charts and kits - you're still in the fairly early stages.
It can get much, much heavier. And horribly expensive.
I have a friend who's been trying for years. Her husband had his sperm "spun" (to separate the swimmers from the slackers). She's had laparoscopic surgery, where they cut you open and stick a camera in you. She has been given drugs to force her ovaries to shoot out 20 eggs in a month. She's done both in-vitro fertilization and intrauterine injections. She has spent the GNP of a small country and had to refinance her mortgage (a single month of drug-and-IVF treatment cost her $8,000, and most insurers won't even touch fertility stuff).
The net result, so far: zilch. Bupkes.
My question to you is: How would you feel if this became your story? How would your girlfriend feel? I mean, you might be among the lucky ones and, boom, get pregnant one fine day. But what if you aren't?
I think you both need to step back, take a deep breath and assess your commitment level to one another. In fact, crazy as it may seem, I think you two should set aside questions of procreation for the moment and decide whether or not you want to get married.
Yes: Sorry to sound old-fashioned here, but in my view there's no better method for assessing your commitment level than deciding whether or not you're willing to stand up in a hot, tight, rented monkey suit and declare your commitment in front of friends, family and assorted religious figures and icons.
It's all implied in the vows. Basically (and obviously I'm paraphrasing here) you have to ask yourself: "Do I love my girlfriend enough that I will stick with her no matter what happens, through periods where sex might be a bit of a chore and we have to use basal thermometers, ovulation prediction kits and perhaps even spend tens or maybe even hundreds of thousands of dollars? And if that fails and we have to adopt, spend more going to China or Romania or perhaps even deciding ultimately to do without children?"
If the answer to the above question is "I do," then I suggest you rush out to a jeweller immediately, buy a ring with the biggest rock you can afford, take a taxi straight to her mother's house, pop open the velvety box and say: "Darling, I don't know what I was thinking, I'm committed to staying the course with you and giving it my best shot no matter what happens."
