In my previous column, I wrote about the epidemic-sized problem of ghost dads - fathers who disappear from the lives of their children following divorce. Rather than vilify them, I was trying to understand some of the emotions that possibly underlie their absence. Often, the loss of daily contact with their children is so painful, they react by staying away.
The response was enormous. Some men welcomed the understanding and vowed to deal with their loss in a more productive way. Far more blamed the mothers.
Which serves as a reminder of the enduring rancour between fathers and mothers in divorce. Even though blame exists on both sides, it is easier to attack the other than to address one's own culpability. In war, each side thinks of itself as righteous.
But let's be honest: Mothers are not paragons of virtue.
We have all done it.
The ex has promised to pick up the children on a Friday night. He is late. The children sit by the window, waiting and worrying that maybe dad won't come.
And what do we say? Something less than charitable about him, muttered under the breath.
"The custodial mother who continues to fight the divorce issues through the children as a means of revenge is contemptible and real," wrote one father, who concedes that his involvement as a parent decreased with time because his children expressed enormous resentment against him.
Of course, the problem of bad-mouthing the ex is not exclusive to mothers. Divorce and child specialists are quick to point out that in high-conflict cases, both parents are often guilty of disparaging the other.
"Some parents are so angry with the ex, they want to punish them," says Richard Warshak, an American psychologist and author of the best-selling book, Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex.
But since mothers are granted primary custody of the children more often than fathers, they spend more time with them, which, in turn, can lead to more influence. That, at least, is what many ghost dads argue.
At the extreme and uncommon end of the continuum, the problem is called parental alienation, and Dr. Warshak is not the only expert to consider it "a pathology, the most under-recognized form of child abuse. In essence, it is manipulating children to be agents in their own deprivation."
Far more pervasive is the habit of making a little comment here and there, uttered in frustration or anger, that can cause the children to question the merits of one parent. Even a seemingly innocuous comment by the mother - referring to the other parent as "your father" instead of dad, for example - suggests to the child that something is amiss. Before the teenage years, when they begin to make up their own minds, children look to mothers for clues, obvious and subtle, on what or who may be dangerous. It is a blow to their self-esteem to have one parent criticized as children intuitively know that they are a product of both.
Why do mothers badmouth their exes in front of the children?
Well, some of the resentment against the father is simple. Mothers feel they are the ones who must do all the work, both as good cop and bad cop. No amount of support payments can compensate for the emotional strain of raising children by yourself. They must supervise the homework, mete out punishments, make the meals, do the laundry, and be the loving parent who cajoles and encourages and tucks the children in at night. What was once parcelled out between two parents falls on her shoulders. Dads get all the fun times.
Soon after separation from my husband, I called him with some worry about our three boys, then all young teenagers. "If you can't handle it on your own, then just let me know. You don't have to have custody," he replied tartly.
