Cleaning out the skeletons in the family closet

CARLY WEEKS

From Tuesday's Globe and Mail

John F. Kennedy hardly charted new territory if he fathered a child with a mistress in the early 1960s.

History has no shortage of philandering husbands who have been forced to deal publicly with the consequences when the illegitimate child from an extramarital affair came calling.

Former Toronto mayor Mel Lastman was embroiled in a scandal in 2000 when two men who claimed to be his children from a lengthy affair sued him for compensation. Rev. Jesse Jackson's reputation suffered a serious blow in 2001 when it emerged that he had fathered an illegitimate child. Prince Albert's ascent to the throne in Monaco in 2005 was overshadowed by the revelation that he fathered an illegitimate child with a flight attendant. A year later, he admitted he also had a teenaged daughter from an affair with another woman.

While high-profile scandals like these make for great material at the water cooler, family members involved in such real-life dramas are often left struggling with the fallout when the past comes knocking, forced to question everything they believed and to confront memories that now seem tarnished by deception.

"It's like finding out you're adopted at 23," said Mark Laing, a therapist at the Bayridge Family Center in Burlington, Ont. "The biggest difficulty is we remove that parent from the pedestal."

The Kennedy family may be experiencing that kind of emotional turmoil after recent reported allegations that the former U.S. president conceived an illegitimate child during the early part of his presidency. The man claiming to be his son, Jack Worthington, is now living in British Columbia and seeking a DNA sample from the Kennedys to determine his parentage.

Talk of affairs and dark secrets from the past can cause family members to rethink how well they really know one another, said Catherine Lee, a family psychologist and clinical psychology professor at the University of Ottawa.

"It causes you to question what else you don't know and it causes you to question your relationship with your parents," said Dr. Lee, who is also president-elect of the Canadian Psychological Association.

Many parents decide to keep past indiscretions, affairs and even the existence of another child a secret in order to protect their children. But Mr. Laing says this approach is exactly what causes so much hurt and anguish when the truth does emerge."Sometimes that can backfire," he said. "We all can make mistakes and when we can admit them, and apologize for them, families can work through it. When it's kept a secret, you're rolling the dice. You might get away with it, but often you don't."

But even when parents are honest with their children about the nitty-gritty details of their past lives, finding out about the existence of another sibling can be difficult information for a child to process.

It's an experience former Toronto New Democratic MPP Marilyn Churley experienced first hand when she decided to tell her nine-year-old daughter about the boy she had given up for adoption after an unplanned pregnancy years earlier.

Although there were some issues at the beginning, Ms. Churley said, her daughter, an only child, was "delighted" by the news she had an older brother out there.

But when Ms. Churley went on a mission to find her boy, eventually having a reunion with him 11 years ago, her daughter, who was by then in her early 20s, experienced some emotional stress coming to grips with the changes in her family.

Ms. Churley said that even though her daughter was excited to meet her brother, she experienced severe headaches following the reunion that they now attribute to the roller coaster of emotions she was feeling.

"I think it was difficult to share her mom for a while and to see her mom completely fixated on somebody else," Ms. Churley said. "It was very stressful for her for a while - being raised a beloved only child, having to share a spotlight with the long-lost boy."

Even if an extramarital affair doesn't produce a child, finding out the truth can have significant consequences on the affected family members - particularly for the children involved.

"It causes [children] to question their own judgment," Dr. Lee said.

It's often much more difficult for grown children to deal with these types of family dramas, she said. Adults are less flexible than children and often have trouble facing the fact they were in the dark for so many years about a family bombshell.

"The longer a secret goes on, the longer the deception is and potentially the more challenging it is," Dr. Lee said.

But in situations where the parents involved have already died, their children are often left with many mixed feelings and unanswered questions that can haunt them.

"If the parents are dead, they can't even talk to them about it. They can't express their anger, they can't ask questions," Mr. Laing said.

Although it is possible to recover from such a devastating blow, psychology experts say it's difficult unless family members are willing to be open and honest and discuss how they feel.

The best thing to do, according to Dr. Lee, is to tell the truth, regardless of how difficult it seems.

"You're not doomed for life if you've discovered this," Dr. Lee said. "I think it poses a challenge, but yes, I've looked at families who are able to come to terms with it."

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