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Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer up a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Claudia Dey.

A reader writes: Although I was born and raised in Canada, I am from an ethnic background that values family and expects a son to live with his parents and take care of them, even after marriage. My wife, who is of the same cultural background, initially agreed to this living arrangement (with reluctance), but because of conflict with my mother, now wants us to move out. I have talked to her about various solutions that would help alleviate some of the tension and give both women more space while allowing me to fulfill my duties as the eldest son. My wife has given me an ultimatum: Either I move out with her or she will leave me. I am very committed to this marriage. However, she has placed me in a very hard position. How do I get my wife to work with me?

Hard to let go

You have to decide if your wife is worth losing over this. Many cultures expect the oldest son to take care of aging parents and it can become a burden. Why not buy a house for you and your wife close to your mother's and visit her when she needs you? It's hard for a lot of mothers to let go of their sons, but you should also let her know that there is conflict. You need to figure out how to work with your wife, as you stated she had reluctantly agreed to this living arrangement.

- Shaba Qureshi, Oakville, Ont.

Your first loyalty

Why didn't you and your wife buy a house with an in-law suite, or buy your parents an apartment? While I think taking care of your parents is great, you chose to get married and now that you and your wife have paired off, your first loyalty is to her. If not, this marriage, or any other, will not work. If you can't afford to buy for your parents, then I suggest you speak to your mother about the fact that this is your wife's home and, as such, your wife's word is law. Mother will have to learn to submit, and if she can't, then mother should move.

- Michelle Lynch, Toronto

Voice of experience

My background is similar. However, I left home when I was 18 for university and never moved back. I got married and moved to Canada from the United States and for two months we lived with her family. I never had direct conflict with her family while we lived together, but the problem I had was her family getting involved in our spats. I gave a similar ultimatum to my wife. Once I cooled down, we talked about the situation. In the end we moved out, and now are truly a united loving family. I side with your wife, but you have to decide what is best for you, your wife and your family.

- Matheepan Panchalingam, Toronto

The Final Word

Dear Son and Husband,

One of you must move out.

How perilously close you are to D.H. Lawrence's Sons and Lovers; how we forfeit our lives for duty, how duty cannot be argued against and, as such, we have no recourse but compromise. It is time to find the middle ground. Literally.

Your intention is to preserve both the marriage and the mother ship. Let this be the guiding principle for your constructive actions. First, while your obligation is cultural, it is also filial; old as fire and seaweed, a son loves his mother. You are compelled to care for her, but your current living situation is untenable. I stand with Buy a House Qureshi. While this suggestion may not be financially feasible, locate your version of a situation that allows for both closeness and distance - whether it is the in-law suite for her or the coach house for you.

While you are negotiating this new territory, do not fall into the trap set by Your Wife's Word is Law Lynch. When it comes to your intimates, avoid the imposition and articulation of a hierarchy. Ranking the people you love is not only distasteful, but damaging. Leave the animal kingdom to the wild and the class system to the world outside the home.

As for your wife, her wager of an ultimatum indicates that you are on fragile, if not failing, ground. In this next iteration of your marriage, please consider enlisting the help of a counsellor. Your wife has clearly accumulated barnacles of resentment, which have hardened her against your needs. This rancour is treacherous and threatens to topple you. The tangle of your marriage must be unravelled and laid straight if it is to last.

United Loving Family Panchalingam presents his life to you as a before and after template. While you cannot borrow his solution for your own, you can construct a plan that nears it.

Most important is your methodology. By never disgracing your mother or wife in deed or word, and by infusing lucidity and love in every direction, you may just inspire the same and, in turn, strike that elusive, peaceable middle ground. Son and Husband, be assured: Stories can be rewritten.

Next week's question

Click here to contribute your widsom - or submit your own dilemma. (We will not publish your name if you submit a personal dilemma for the print column.)

Claudia Dey's plays, Beaver,

The Gwendolyn Poems and Trout Stanley, have been staged across Canada. Her first novel, Stunt, was published by Coach House Books. Her website is ClaudiaDey.com