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The term "blended family" has a nice ring to it. Different ingredients mixed together into a tasty concoction. Sort of like an orange-pineapple-banana smoothie.

Not quite.

In my experience, when second families fail, it is often because of conflicts involving children, especially teenaged children.

The problem is that any new living arrangement creates all kinds of new and unanticipated issues. You're all suddenly sharing the same space, adjusting to different rules and roles. Meanwhile, your teenager's feelings toward his or her new step-parent are not always positive; you don't automatically like somebody just because they are now part of the family. Loyalties to another parent, destruction of the status quo, having had no choice in the new arrangement - all are ready sources of resentment.

As a result, daily interactions between your partner and your teenager always carry the potential for major blow-ups.

"Carlin, is this your popcorn mess?"

"Yeah."

"Would you please clean it up?"

"I will, later."

"No, I need you to clean it up now."

"Who the hell do you think you're bossing around? You're not my mother."

If you are the biological parent, more likely than not you're going to hear about it. Usually you'll find yourself unpleasantly in the middle.

"Carlin, Sybil said that you were rude to her today when she asked you to clean up some popcorn."

"Dad, you believe everything she says. She was the one who was rude to me. You always side with her, never me. I hate Sybil. Why did you and her have to get married?" And Carlin bursts into tears.

Then, not having satisfied your child, you don't satisfy your new partner either.

"Did you speak to Carlin?"

"Yes."

"What did you say?"

"You have to understand she was only 4 when me and her mother separated. It's hard for her having another parent in the house besides me."

"I can't believe you. You don't have a clue what a total little brat you're raising. You let Carlin wrap you around her little finger. I knew this wasn't going to work out."

Issues with blended families can be extremely complicated, and they're not always resolvable.

Some facts: A new partner living in the home is not the same thing as a parent. They do not have the same lifetime connection and may not have the same commitment to a child as does a parent who has been there from the beginning. This needs to be recognized.

At the same time - resentful as they may be that you have brought a new person into their lives - your teenage children need to treat your partner with the full respect due to an adult, and recognize that your partner now has rights in the household as well.

Here are a few pointers that can ease some of the more common rough spots between your teenager and a new step-parent.

Rule 1: Even if you don't agree, always back your partner in day-to-day interactions with your child. To do otherwise creates resentment from your partner toward you and your child. If you really don't like what your partner did, talk about it later.

Rule 2: Though your partner does have the right to give your children orders, you and only you are the boss when it comes to general parenting rules such as punishments, curfews and bedtime. This is very important to a teenager. They may not always like your rules, but it tells them that their "true" parent is the only one who has the right to make the rules that shape their lives.

Your partner may very much disagree with your decisions. But it's your right and responsibility.

Rule 3: When your child is rude to your partner, always call her on it. If you don't, it gives your child permission to treat your partner as if they have a lower status in the household.

Rule 4: Regularly acknowledge to your child that you do understand he may not be happy with the new family member.

"I know that sometimes it can be hard for you living with Sybil in the house."

"No. Not sometimes, all of the time."

"I know it can be hard. But I still love you, and I will do all I can to make your life as nice as it can be."

"Good. Then get rid of Sybil."

Recognizing that they may be unhappy with their new deal and that they have a right to feel this way - even though nothing may change - means a lot to a teenager.

Clinical psychologist Anthony E. Wolf is the author of six parenting books, including Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager.

Tips for step-parents

You don't have to like your new step-teen, but you do have to treat them with respect. By the same token, while they don't have to like you, you also have a right to be treated respectfully.

You have the right to demand that your partner make it clear to their child that disrespect toward you is not okay.

But realize that a child's behaviour is the product of an already established parent-child relationship and, for the most part, this isn't going to change. You can express your disapproval, but don't try too hard to change your partner's parenting behaviour. That usually leads only to frustration and bad feelings.

Anthony E. Wolf

awolf@globeandmail.com