Ask a wedding expert

Globe and Mail update

Whether you're walking down the aisle or not, chances are, you'll be attending a wedding or two before the warm temps disappear this year.

To help you navigate through wedding season, Catherine Lash, founder of The Wedding Co., was online earlier to take your questions. From etiquette to gift ideas to planning tips, Ms. Lash can help with it all. So whether you're wondering if you really have to make an appearance at that out-of-towner or you're looking for this year's must-have gift or you're on the hunt for the right photographer, ask Ms. Lash.

Your questions and Ms. Lash's answers appear at the bottom of this page.

Eight years ago, Catherine Lash created The Wedding Co. Her mission was to provide wedding-related resources and support to engaged couples and to ensure the experience of planning a wedding was an enjoyable and creative process. Ms. Lash's 10 years as a wedding photographer and her extensive research mean The Wedding Co. is a valuable asset to brides and grooms as well as to the industry. Her future plans include expanding the company to provide national coverage and to build on her successful boutique design for bridal events.

Editor's Note: globeandmail.com editors will read and allow or reject each question/comment. Comments/questions may be edited for length or clarity. We will not publish questions/comments that include personal attacks on participants in these discussions, that make false or unsubstantiated allegations, that purport to quote people or reports where the purported quote or fact cannot be easily verified, or questions/comments that include vulgar language or libellous statements. Preference will be given to readers who submit questions/comments using their full name and home town, rather than a pseudonym.

Katie Clarke, Canada: What is the best type of gift to give soon-to-be-married, already living together couples? With people getting married so late into life (read: established their own household) and/or often living together for years before tying the knot, I'm often stumped as to what to give - especially on a budget. Maybe I'm just old-school in wanting to give something lasting as a memorial of their special day, or something practical to make life easier. Nothing really comes to mind in the modern condo based been-together-10-married-for-2 lifestyle. Gift cards have always seemed tacky for me, if practical for the couple. I don't like the idea that it puts a price tag on my affection. What could I give, that would fit?

Catherine Lash: We love the idea of personalized gift giving. If your couple is registered, that is the best place to start, I do believe registering is important whether it's at a favourite book store, home décor boutique or garden centre. If the couple is not registered, work within your budget and think about who they are as a couple and what their hobbies and interests are. I love the idea of helping to build a collection, whether it's art, a library or a wine cellar — here's an example of a really fun way to build a custom gift of wine, head to your local wine store and request suggestions for bottles that will be acceptable to drink after one, two and three years. Not only will the couple look forward to the day each bottle is ready to drink, they will love that you took the time to learn more about their favourite grapes. In the end, if it comes from the heart, the price tag doesn't factor in.

Rasha Mourtada, Globe Life web editor: Catherine, the following questions all involve gifting, registry and money, so you may like to answer them in one go: NW, Abbotsford Canada writes: What would be an appropriate amount to spend on a gift, taking into consideration the relationship with the couple to be married? Does the extravagance of the event impact the amount? And Alicja Krol, Waterloo writes: Is there a respectful manner in which to ask guests to give monetary gifts only. Would this be appropriate to include on the invite? I've had a close friend suggest writing 'we respectfully request no boxed gifts.' Thanks! And Joe Quinlan, Canada writes: well, can't believe i'm submitting a question on wedding etiquette, but here i am, and here goes. my partner and I are getting married in January. we are opting for a simple, daytime ceremony because that it what we want, and it's what our budget dictates. we will serve hors d'euvres and champagne cocktails, but no formal dinner, dancing, wedding parties or speeches...my partner wants to register for gifts, but I am uncomfortable doing so and would prefer actually to ask that people don't give gifts. guess part of my reason for feeling this way is because we are not doing the traditional big wedding and all that that entails. What do you think?

Catherine Lash: There seem to be a lot of questions regarding gifting, registry and money. Ultimately, if you are getting married, you should register. Regardless of whether you have already established your household or would prefer cash gifts, a registry will help guests who are unsure what to bring as a gift or do not want to present you with a cheque.

The ultimate etiquette rule, when it comes to informing guests about anything gift related, is that you must wait for them to inquire. That means you shouldn't announce your registry in your invitations, but inform your families and wedding party where you are registered or if you are hoping for money and have them pass the information on when guests request help. With the advent of wedding websites, it is possible to list where you have registered and provide your site's URL in your invitations. To suggest gifts of money, you can also use your website to hint - explain you are hoping to put a deposit on a house, or renovate your current kitchen.

When it comes to what to register for, choose a wide range of items from a number of sources. Don't be swayed by tradition if it's not your style, use your imagination and go for something you'll really appreciate. Even if you'd rather not receive any gifts, guests always want to give something that is meaningful and it's important to consider a wide range of budgets. Registering properly takes care of any anxiety you or your guests might have.

Andrea Dorrans, Edmonton: I am a bridesmaid in a wedding this summer, my first time. I readily agreed to this designation and was very flattered. But what I hadn't thought of was the financial burden. It's a destination wedding, so flight, hotel room, and dress expenses will be high. I've heard from some people that the bride will pay some of these expenses, but the last thing I want to do is ask. I can't back out now, but as a struggling student I'm not sure how I'm going to afford this.

Catherine Lash: This is a great question. You're right, it is an honour to be asked to be a bridesmaid. I think you need to bring the subject up by assuming you will have to take on the financial responsibilities. By thanking the bride first, you can then say you presume you will have to cover your hotel, travel and dress costs among others and that while you would love to do it, that might not be a reality for you in your present situation as a student.

This gives the bride the chance to tell you she was planning to cover some, or all of the costs, or to allow you to bow out gracefully.

Good luck, Catherine

Dana Snyder, Canada: What cost should be expected for a full wedding planner?

Catherine Lash: There are two ways you may be charged for the service of a wedding planner when you want someone to take over the entire process, rather than just co-ordinate your day. As each planner is independently charging, they are not mandated by any governing body in terms of fees, a huge range of fees may apply to the same wedding day, make sure you consider how planners charge when you hire one.

You may be charged 15-20 percent of the whole cost of the event, or you may be charged a standard fee. Most standard fees are based on 80 hours of work and will go up as much as 15% for an offsite wedding. For destination events, the planners travel expenses will also factor in. Just remember you get what you pay for, 1500 to 2,000 will get you more of a coordinator than a creative director.

R Vukic Kingston: I'm getting married in Ontario this summer. Most of my friends and family live in Victoria/Vancouver, while most of his family and many of his friends live in Newfoundland. Given the time and expense involved in travelling to Ontario from either coast, we don't expect - or, frankly, want - everyone to attend the wedding, but feel we should nevertheless send out invitations to all family members and close friends.

How do we communicate to them that we don't expect them to attend? I don't want them buying gifts either - but my mother is horrified by my suggestion that I encourage invitees to donate to their local animal shelter instead.

Thanks!

Catherine Lash: First of all, don't assume guests won't come because travel is involved. Many may take the opportunity of the invite to plan a vacation or trip to Ontario. If your budget doesn't allow for as many guests as you'd ideally invite, cut down your list.

The gift dilemma goes back to what we were talking about earlier. If someone, invited or not, wants to send you a gift, they will contact your family or your friends and they can inform them of your wishes. Perhaps, to make it seem more personal and possibly make more of an impact, you could arrange for donations to your local animal shelter?

Rasha Mourtada, Globe Life web editor: Thank you, Catherine, for coming online today. To our readers, we're sorry we couldn't get to all of your questions. Catherine, any last thoughts?

Catherine Lash: For engaged couples, remember, it's all about the process. Enjoy the planning as much as the day. For more great ideas, our next event is in Toronto on June 3rd, check out www.theweddingco.com for details!

Thank you!

Catherine

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