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Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer up a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter by our columnist, Claudia Dey.

A reader writes: For most of the two years my girlfriend and I have been dating, we have been living together. As my previous jobs were not enough to support us, and with her being a full-time student, we always had a roommate or family member in our household to help us along. I got a new job and have been saving up, and we have plans to move out on our own. We exchanged promise rings and then I began to freak out. I started pushing her away out of fear of commitment and I fell into a bit of a funk. We unexchanged rings. I took some time and realized I was just being stupid. She is the most amazing girl I have ever met. I explained why I'd been acting so weirdly and told her how much I loved her. We gave each other our rings back. Now I am finding her critical of everything I do. On top of school, she works 20 hours a week. I try to make her life easier, but she snaps at me over little things, causing me to become defensive and closed. I think her reaction has something to do with the fact she thought I was backing out of the relationship when I only wanted some time to reassess. I want her to be happy. What should I do?

PROVE YOURSELF

No relationship is perfect and it sounds like yours hit its first snag. Kudos to you for realizing what is going on. Now it's your girlfriend's turn to reassess: How does she feel about committing to someone who needed time out? Her feelings must be unsettled. Proving yourself to her once more is probably in order as you did cause the ripple. I think it's great you are being sensitive and understanding, especially since you're a guy. Tip to you: Don't refer to her as a "girl" - try lady or something non-gender-specific such as an "amazing person."

- Gail Landau, Toronto

THE DUMPER V. THE DUMPEE

Your girlfriend's behaviour is designed to test you, to make you prove you love her no matter what, and to set the stage so there can be a blowup and she can dump you first. Of course she doesn't really want to dump you, but if there is any dumping to be done, she wants to be the dumper and not the dumpee. If you can hang in and let her know you love her, she will find her self-confidence again and all will be well. If you love her, it is worth it. If you can't overlook it, maybe she's not the girl for you.

- Renata Kimmerly, Johnstown, Ont.

RACE TO THE APOLOGY

Ask her what you can do to gain her trust again. Let her know you were scared and you didn't behave well. You can't gloss over it by saying you "only needed time to reassess." If she's working half-time and pulling a full study load, that's a lot for her to handle before adding in the uncertainty you've introduced into her life. See how you can contribute to make it more fair. Your retreating behaviour reinforces her fear that you may leave again. Turn toward each other, always. Talk calmly. Listen. See who can apologize first.

- Chris Hagen, Kitchener, Ont.

THE FINAL WORD

Dear Exchanger,

It would have been a lot easier if she had been a truck, a suit or a sandwich rather than a woman with a ring on her finger.

I don't know where this human compulsion comes from - this insistence on destroying something in order to apprehend its value. While I understand it, it perplexes me; it is so obviously a sprinkler of doom for all involved.

As infants, we rip the pages out of a book and ply our fists through a meal. This is not just because we are miniature Neanderthals. It is, in fact, an essential form of reconnaissance. While our table manners and bibliomania may improve, as adults we apply the same fierce and clumsy techniques to the unpredictable arena of love. Now with bigger teeth and bigger hands, we enact an apocalypse before a commitment. We promise and then we undo our promise and then we promise again. Is it any wonder that our paramours feel torn and bitten?

So now that you are a believer, the source of your worship is irked. Like an angry goddess, she is punishing you whenever she can. Rather than poison cups and lightning bolts, her form of vengeance is moodiness. Beware. This is an ancient art, a sophisticated warfare fought mostly in silence. You must arm yourself. My suggestion: Rekindle your conversation and diffuse her scowls with openness.

In the tradition of Cyrano de Bergerac, Ask Her Hagen provides you with the perfect script. Tuck it under your mattress, stuff it in your breast pocket. His every point is a worthy one. He makes the crucial observation that your habit of withdrawing is fanning rather than fighting the tired flames between you. Rush your promised one with articulate reassurance. Explain, adore, apologize. Repeat.

As Try Lady Landau and She Can Dump You Kimmerly suggest, it is your girlfriend's turn to pummel the relationship. You had your time in the ring. Now, it is for her to fight a round. Allow her this ambivalence and weather your injuries with a grin, for you have something that is beyond value, something that is beyond exchanging. You have conviction. Hope the same proves true for her.

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Next week's question

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Claudia Dey's plays, Beaver, The Gwendolyn Poems and Trout Stanley, have been staged across Canada. Her first novel, Stunt, was published by Coach House Books. Her website is ClaudiaDey.com.