News

Got a teen who ignores curfew? Who's underachieving at school? Who's crabby 24/7? If you have a question about parenting teens, clinical psychologist and parenting author Anthony E. Wolf would like to help. Send your questions to awolf@globeandmail.com to get Dr. Wolf's expert advice. Your question may be featured in his advice column, which appears every two weeks in the print edition of Globe Life. (Your name will not be published.)

***

It's not personal. They don't hate you.

It only seems that way.

Still, sometimes you feel like asking them: "What is it about me that you loathe? What is it that makes being in the same room as me such a torture for you? I just want to know. I want to know because if you tell me, I will change."

It's just the normal teenage allergy - and you're what he's allergic to. Even if you change everything about yourself, your problem remains: You are still his parent and he is still a teenager.

But underneath the demands of adolescence, your "lovey pumpkins" is still there.

Adolescence does not destroy him. It just covers him up so you rarely see him.

So let me propose a mantra for parents to help survive the grimness that colours so much of having a teenager in the house: "I know that you can't stand me. I know that you can't stand even being in the room with me. But I also know that this is a direct result of a process - adolescence - over which you have no control or even awareness. I understand that this is all part of normal psychological development. In only a few years, you will like me again and have no trouble being around me. It's not about me. It's just a stage that you are going through.

"Further, I love you so much that I like being with you even when sometimes you are very unpleasant."

This you say to yourself. That's the easy part. But what should you say to your teenager? (Definitely not the above.) After all, sometimes it feels like there's a force field emanating from his person, pushing you away. How much of this push should you respect? If he really wants to be independent of you, how much distance should you give him?

Here's a counterintuitive tactic: Give him a hug.

"Would you like a hug?"

"Have you been drinking?"

Teenagers hate hugs. But at the same time, they like them very much.

Give them hugs (though maybe not very long hugs). Your hugs send a message that they appreciate, even if they don't acknowledge it.

"I don't know why my mother aggravates me so much. But just having her near me makes my skin crawl and everything she says is so stupid, so totally unnecessary. Every word out of her mouth is so aggravating.

"But Mom still loves me. I know that I can be pretty nasty to her sometimes, but she loves me anyway. She's still there - the parent who used to love me to pieces, and in whose eyes I always knew I was special. She's still there. She still loves me despite all the stuff that goes on."

A hug shows that, for all the negativity that they dish out on a daily basis, you are able to rise above it. Your love connection to them is so solid through your history together that it transcends everything else.

And hugs don't need to be the only demonstration of your unshakable love. Give them your loving presence - reassuring every moment with them - as well. Of course, they may see it a little differently.

"Hey."

"Listen, Dad, I'm really busy."

"That's okay - I don't mind. I'll only stay a little while. I've come for our weekly father-and-son chat."

"Omigod, not again."

"Should I tell you about my day or do you want to tell me about your day?"

"I can't believe this is happening."

"I guess I'll tell you about my day, huh? Well, I went to that diner restaurant again that I told you about last week, where they had that excellent pea soup, and I had the pea soup again and it was disgusting. Maybe they changed chefs or something. I don't understand. What do you think?"

"I think I'm dying."

"I'm having a really good time."

The trick is to love the child - who is still very much there - beneath the teenage exterior.

Clinical psychologist Anthony E. Wolf is the author of six parenting books, including Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager.

***

Got a teen who ignores curfew? Who's underachieving at school? Who's crabby 24/7? If you have a question about parenting teens, clinical psychologist and parenting author Anthony E. Wolf would like to help. Send your questions to awolf@globeandmail.com to get Dr. Wolf's expert advice. Your question may be featured in his advice column, which appears every two weeks in the print edition of Globe Life. (Your name will not be published.)