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In the new book Waiter Rant: Thanks for the Tip — Confessions of a Cynical Waiter, a New York waiter (and author of the long-running blog Waiter Rant) dishes on annoying customers, tyrannical owners and drugged-up servers.

One night I served a young couple on a first or second date. The man, a take-charge sort of guy, ordered a mess of expensive food and a pricey bottle of wine. I gave the couple great service, so when I saw the 9-per-cent tip the man left me, I was slightly aggravated. As the couple got ready to leave, the man excused himself to use the men's room. When he was out of sight, his date waved me over to the table.

"Can I ask you something?" asked the woman, a very sexy redhead.

"Of course, madam."

"Did my friend tip you enough?"

Smiling, I opened the check holder and showed it to her.

The girl's face turned redder than her hair. She reached into her small purse and pushed a crumpled $20 bill into my hand.

"Sorry about that," she said.

"Thank you, madam," I replied, slipping the money into my pocket.

The man returned from the bathroom with a bounce in his step. Stupid guy thought he was getting lucky that night. I knew better. As soon as the couple stepped outside the girl said something to the man and quickly walked away, her arms folded across her chest. The guy stood in the middle of the sidewalk looking like an artillery shell just landed on his head. Served him right.

Listen up, guys — sometimes girls will ask the waiter how much you tipped. They use it as a litmus test. They think that if you're not generous with the waiter, you won't be generous with them — whether that generosity is financial or emotional. Besides, bad tippers suck in bed.

… [To prosper], a server has to get 80 to 90 per cent of his customers to leave tips in the 15- to 20-per-cent range.

To do that, a waiter has to have a firm grasp of the oddities, pressures and subtle expectations that might increase or decrease a gratuity.

A few years ago a study claimed that if waiters employed certain subtle non-verbal tactics, they could increase their tip percentage. The study suggested drawing a smiley face on the customer's check, gently touching a patron's shoulder or kneeling at the table, ostensibly to be at eye level with the diners.

When I read that study, I dismissed it out of hand. First off, touching the customer and adding saccharine artwork to the check works only if the server is a girl — and a blond, big-breasted girl at that. Yes, the Cornell University school of hotel administration spent good money on a study which proved that blond female servers with low body fat and large cup sizes made more money than their less-endowed female counterparts or male waiters. Never mind that if a guy draws a smiley face on the check, it's just plain creepy. And kneeling at the table? That might fly at Applebee's or the Outback but not at a high-end place. Can you imagine a waiter copping a squat next to a table at Gordon Ramsay's London? Gordon would rip the server's balls clean off.

Thirty per cent of what determines a waiter's tip boils down to how customers view themselves as people.

If patrons perceive themselves as generous persons, and a waiter nurtures that feeling by treating them like a million bucks, then they will leave a good tip. Some customers like to think they're in touch with the plight of the workingman. If waiters properly exploit that bourgeoisie guilt, then they're going to pick up some extra cash.

Then you get the customers who are snobs, people for whom owning brand names, wearing the right clothes, drinking rare vintages and maintaining social standing are all that matter. If waiters project a subtle sense of deferral commingled with a slight hint of obsequiousness, these customers will view them like servants who've been in the family for generations and tip accordingly. …

Waiters also have to contend with the dreaded customer who's never going to leave a good tip. … Case in point: I once had a man who started choking at one of my tables. He waved off all attempts for assistance, but when he started to turn blue, I stepped in and Heimliched him. (It wouldn't do to have a customer die in my section.) I applied a few quick abdominal thrusts and the bolus obstructing the man's airway projectiled out of his mouth and splattered onto the table.

Can you guess what kind of tip the man gave me after saving his life? Eight per cent! I also found out from the name of the credit card that this guy was a doctor. Next time I let him die. …

Lame tippers are bad for business, and they've got to go. If you think I'm being callous, remember, a restaurant is a business — it's not your dining room. I'm an independent contactor trying to make a living.

If you have a business and you've got customers who chronically underpay or have invoices 90 days late, do you want to do business with them in the future if you don't have to? No? I rest my case.

From the book Waiter Rant: Thanks for the Tip — Confessions of a Cynical Waiter by The Waiter. Copyright © 2008 by Waiter Rant LLC. Reprinted by permission of  Ecco, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers. Waiter Rant will be in stores on July 29.

Tippers: Which are you?

The Verbal Tipper

Heavy on praise but cheap with the cash. … Waiters don't want hugs. Show us the money.

The Accountant

Customers who tip on the amount of the check before tax.

The Compensator

Usually cocaine-snorting, wealthy Neanderthal types who heap abuse on the wait staff. These patrons, almost exclusively men, tip lavishly as a way to apologize for their boorish behaviour.

The Flat Tipper

You could spill hot soup on their baby or treat them like the Sultan of Brunei, they'll always tip you 15 per cent.

The Sugar Daddy

Out-of-shape, wealthy Lotharios who try securing sexual favours from waitresses by giving them embarrassingly large tips.

The Foreigner

Customers who come from other countries and feign ignorance about local tipping customs so they can save a few bucks.

The Nice Customer

These patrons respect you as a professional. They tip 25 per cent and up. Valued regular customers. Not enough of them.

From the book Waiter Rant: Thanks for the Tip — Confessions of a Cynical Waiter by The Waiter. Copyright © 2008 by Waiter Rant LLC. Reprinted by permission of Ecco, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.