News

Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer up a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Claudia Dey.

A reader writes: I'm in my second trimester and news of my pregnancy has been public in my office for a couple of weeks. My co-workers have taken an interest, which is great. There is, however, a line between curious interest and the invasion of my space. Recently, a co-worker touched my belly while I was in conversation with a group of people. I felt acutely uncomfortable, but was so taken by surprise I didn't react. I know she has the kindest intentions but I don't want this to happen again. Such behaviour has no place in the office. What's the best way to ward off unwelcome belly attention without offending others?

Get your own

I have been through two office pregnancies and no one has ever touched my belly. Are you sending out chummy signals that in your workplace translate into permission? That said, if a colleague were to have given me the "feel up," my immediate response would be, "This one is mine - get your own!"

- Jane McGill, Ottawa

Share the joy

My wife had similar complaints. The most memorable was when my boss rubbed her very pregnant belly. When we walked away she was shocked, but we were able to laugh it off. Years later a good friend was pregnant. I didn't see her until she was quite far along and when I did, I had a distinct urge to rub her belly. I was very surprised by this. These incidents are a form of sharing in a joyous moment for you and an expression of caring for you and the baby. One last thought: Get used to it. Having children opens you to new experiences. Your whole world is about to change.

- David Canham, Toronto

Relax, baby

Maybe you have a few problems with your identity. Unfortunately when a woman is pregnant in the workplace, it is very difficult to pretend you are not pregnant. It is a profound experience; the idea of a little human being inside your stomach can be very moving for many people. The fact that someone would want to touch your stomach is a kind, spontaneous response. You need to chill out and enjoy the whole experience. Being pregnant does not undermine your public persona, you are still and always will be a woman and soon to be working mother.

- Patti Powell, Toronto

The Final Word

Dear Mother-To-Be,

If you had a horn or a wing or a beehive, people would not feel compelled to pat such protrusions. But a belly containing a child busily sprouting brain cells, teeth and fingernails - despite its commonality - remains such a surrealism, even a science fiction, I understand the invasive touch less as celebration and more as confirmation. We strain toward it, asking simply: Could it be?

This heralds the end of a certain, unconsidered privacy. As Get Used to It Canham attests, pregnancy, a relentlessly public phenomenon, prepares you for the floodlights of parenting. Steel yourself. Strangers will stop your pram and with a grave, oracular face announce that your infant should be wearing a hat. Neighbours will arrive on your doorstep with elaborate, hand-knit blankets. Uninvited, they will hungrily stroke your child's cheeks. With your starling in your arms, you will inherit a hundred aunties and grandmothers. They will be furrow-browed instruction manuals. Is this invasive or is it a canted kind of generosity?

Feel Up McGill confirms: In this instance, your sense of being intruded upon is justified. A pregnant belly should never be touched without permission. At the office, this is compounded by a delicate and continuing negotiation: While you still see yourself in a determinedly professional light, your status among your co-workers is shifting. As Public Persona Powell identifies, you are in dress rehearsals for a new role - that of working mother.

I understand you were stunned into silence. In future, try to deal with these exchanges as they occur. You do not have to be the town crier and proclaim a set of rules. Nor do you have to erect an electric fence. Instead, with clarity and grace, ask your co-worker - or the mooning woman next to you on the subway or in the doctor's office - to please not touch your belly. If you can muster some humour, do. This will make an awkward situation less so.

Pregnancy can be an accidental rallying cry. People who have until this time been remote figures in your life will suddenly come to the fore. This is because the state astonishes. Forgive them their astonishment. And reconfigure your expectations to allow for this new attention. Mother-To-Be, it is growing as you are.

Next week's question

Click here to contribute your widsom - or submit your own dilemma. (We will not publish your name if you submit a personal dilemma for the print column.)

***

Claudia Dey's plays, Beaver, The Gwendolyn Poems and Trout Stanley, have been staged across Canada. Her first novel, Stunt, was published by Coach House Books. Her website is ClaudiaDey.com.

Claudia Dey's first novel, Stunt, was published by Coach House Books in April. Her website is ClaudiaDey.com.

Next week's question