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Got a teen who ignores curfew? Who's underachieving at school? Who's crabby 24/7? If you have a question about parenting teens, clinical psychologist and parenting author Anthony E. Wolf would like to help. Send your questions to awolf@globeandmail.com to get Dr. Wolf's expert advice. Your question may be featured in his advice column, which appears every two weeks in the print edition of Globe Life. (Your name will not be published.)

A reader writes: Hello Anthony, I have been separated and divorced from my ex for almost four years. We have two boys, 22 and 17, and a girl who is 14.

In the past, I've been a very involved dad. I maintain a close relationship with the eldest even though he is away at school. But it's a different situation with the other two. My 17-year-old is distant and evasive. He doesn't take my calls, rarely visits and doesn't accept my help or advice. My daughter is sullen and withdrawn. We have infrequent visits with little interaction, and she breaks commitments to spend time together. Both are sometimes rude and disrespectful.

My approach has been to make myself available whenever they call or connect in some way - and hope things will change in the long term. My relationship with their mom is bad - we're in court arguing over child expenses and other terms of the divorce. Any advice?

- Estranged Dad

Dear Estranged Dad,

You're not alone. Many divorced non-custodial parents, especially during their children's teenage years, are in the same boat. They get shut out.

Why does this happen? How does a child go from wanting to spend time with a caring, attentive parent to excluding that person from their life?

For one thing, it's adolescence rearing its ugly head - the normal parent allergy has set in. Think about it. Would your relationship with them be so much better if you were still living with them?

"Hi, son."

"What? Dad. Listen, I'm really busy."

Now that they're in their teens, it's a drag to hang out with their parents. They have to interact with a boring adult who also happens to be their uncool dad. Any time with you takes them away from activities they would rather be

doing.

But in your case there are the added issues that invariably arise whenever there is a split between two parents. In a breakup, children often blame - rightly or wrongly - the one they feel was the bad guy.

When there is continuing court involvement, they often feel caught in the middle. Consciously or unconsciously, with or without being overtly influenced by the main custodial parent, they take sides. And, don't forget, if they live with their mother, you are the currently expendable parent.

So what should you do?

Despite all your efforts, it's possible there will be little thawing in your relationship while they remain teenagers. I wouldn't suggest trying very hard to win them over. This rarely works and it can be frustrating.

But don't abandon them, either. Never forget birthdays and holidays. Call, but not so frequently that they feel you are a pest. Offer to see them. Show that you care - regardless of their response. Over time they'll see: "Dad has still been there for me. Even though I rejected him and was sometimes downright mean, he didn't reject me."

In spite of everything they may say, they do care. Underneath, the attachment is still there. They expect you to be their dad.

"See, he didn't send me a card."

"But you throw out all the cards unopened, same as you do with any presents."

"Well he sends stupid cards and presents."

"How would you know if you never open them?"

"What's that got to do with anything?"

The above is not an exaggeration. There is hope. In my experience, what often happens is once they get past adolescence - especially when they are out on their own - kids begin to look at their history with their parents through adult eyes. It all changes. A good, even close, relationship often blossoms again.

There is a tempting alternative. You could say, "No. If they are going to treat me like dirt, I don't have to take it and keep crawling back. If they want me in their life they will have to come after me, and they will have to convince me that it's worth my while to get involved again. And that better be preceded by a very big apology."

You may feel justified. But the problem with this approach is that your chances of having a good relationship in the future will be far less. It's your choice.

Clinical psychologist Anthony E. Wolf is the author of six parenting books, including Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager.

Got a teen who ignores curfew? Who's underachieving at school? Who's crabby 24/7? If you have a question about parenting teens, clinical psychologist and parenting author Anthony E. Wolf would like to help. Send your questions to awolf@globeandmail.com to get Dr. Wolf's expert advice. Your question may be featured in his advice column, which appears every two weeks in the print edition of Globe Life. (Your name will not be published.)