A tiff at TIFF?

If Brad and Jen meet at the film festival, things could get awkward. But when old flames collide, sparks don't have to fly. Tralee Pearce reports

TRALEE PEARCE

From Thursday's Globe and Mail

Sure, there's everything from dysfunctional family conflict to war and revolution on offer at the Toronto International Film Festival this year. But the biggest drama may well be unfurling on the ground, not on the screen: Will exes Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston run into each other?

Since the golden couple divorced in 2005, they have not been photographed together. But both will be here to promote movies - his, the Coen brothers' Burn After Reading, and hers, the romantic comedy Management - within days of each other. So speculation is swirling about the possible script an encounter would follow.

Will one or both of them avoid any event where they might cross paths?

If they do both show up for something, will they greet each other? Who will break the ice?

And is Mr. Pitt's partner, Angelina Jolie, who is at home in France, fuming about the possibilities?

After all, most of us have been there, either trying to avoid an ex, plotting how to best handle a run-in gracefully or regretting throwing a drink in a former partner's lap. And how we conduct ourselves should be no different, experts say.

"Whether you're Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston or a regular, average Joe, any time you get in a circle with your peers, and everyone knows you're exes and it was a brutal breakup, you have to keep three things in mind: calm, cool, collected," sexologist Yvonne Fulbright advises.

In other words, drop any high-school-style dramatic urges, says sex columnist Josey Vogels, author of Bedside Manners: Sex Etiquette Made Easy.

Ms. Vogels and Dr. Fulbright agree that gender stereotypes tend to be true - and could use a little blurring. Women would do well to not to overthink things. Men could be a little more sensitive about the impact they're having.

Regardless, for the more aggrieved party, it's never too early to start visualizing what may unfold at a meeting, they say.

This advice may have helped Maria, a Toronto executive who had what she considers an embarrassing run-in with her recent ex a few months ago. Sweaty and wearing no makeup, she ran smack into him and his new girlfriend.

"It was so out of context. I just started to fumble. I didn't know what to say - I was so frazzled," she says.

Today, she looks back on it and laughs. "It's nothing compared to Brad and Jen. But you've got to have your game ready."

While we don't fully know the backstory to the couple's split, the fact that it was reportedly Mr. Pitt who left Ms. Aniston sets the tone for managing run-ins, Dr. Fulbright says.

Now that time has passed, Ms. Aniston shouldn't bail on an invitation to a party just because Mr. Pitt will be there. It would send the wrong signal, says Dr. Fulbright, author of Sex With Your Ex: And 69 Other Tempting Things You Should Never Do Again (Plus a Few That You Should). "She needs to go, just to hold her ground and claim her territory."

And if Mr. Pitt does show up at an event Ms. Aniston is attending, it behooves him to initiate an interaction.

"The ball's more in his court to be gracious to her and to be a gentleman," says Dr. Fulbright, adding that acceptable patter could include saying how nice it is to see her and congratulating her on her movie.

For her part, Ms. Aniston should avoid being too animated. "Most of us try to be extra-clever and extra-charming," Ms. Vogels says. "It's so transparent. Everyone can tell you're overcompensating."

By the same token, a killer dress and a hot date is great but only if you're not using them as bait or continually checking to see whether you're being noticed.

Finally, it benefits both parties to keep it brief, have an exit strategy - such as meeting up with a friend - and avoid too many drinks, Ms. Vogels says.

And if things go really well? Sex with the ex is definitely verboten, Dr. Fulbright says. "Definitely not."

Unfortunately, as Mr. Pitt and Ms. Aniston know only too well, even if they have both moved on and are emotionally fine, observers (and paparazzi) may be hoping for a rockier narrative. Ms. Vogels experienced this chatter firsthand when an amicable breakup of a long-term relationship didn't fit friends' expectations.

"People just couldn't deal with the fact that we could be in the same room and be very civil with each other. There had to be something more," she recalls.

She chalks it up to human nature. There's something about other people's struggle and strife that always makes us feel a little bit superior, she adds. "Because you're not going through it yourself and you can sort of pass judgment on other people's choices."

*****

Celebrity breakups

THE GOOD Since their divorce in 2000, Demi Moore and Bruce Willis have hit parties and red carpets with their brood and significant others. Mr. Willis routinely gives Ms. Moore's husband, Ashton Kutcher, a man hug.

THE BAD Cameron Diaz very publicly freaked out on her ex, singer Justin Timberlake, at a Golden Globes party in 2007 for flirting with actress Jessica Biel.

THE UGLY Exes Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, who divorced in 1998, usually have no problem overlapping at glitzy events.

But last year, Mr. Lee got into a

fistfight with another of Ms. Anderson's exes, Kid Rock.

Tralee Pearce

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