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Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer up a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Claudia Dey.

A reader writes: When one of my daughters was 11, she and her father went behind my back to present me with custody papers allowing her to live with him. I let her go mainly because I didn't want to drag her through the courts. It's yielded years of unhappiness. We had a brief reunion two years ago, helped by my oldest daughter, and I thought we were on the road to better days. But then she said she didn't like my new husband. I have called, sent cards, written to her with no reply. I have missed her teenage years, and with her off to college this year I am about to miss more. I know a mother's love is unconditional, but it still doesn't stop the hurt. How do I keep moving forward?

In her shoes

I find it very interesting that you had a brief reunion two years ago but now your daughter won't reply. I can only conclude there is way more going on here. Perhaps the reason she isn't responding is because you haven't given her a message that is worth responding to (from her perspective). I get the sense that there is a lot of hurt on your end and that you don't really understand there may be a lot of hurt on your daughter's side, too. You don't need to move forward. You need to change direction. Start by learning more about your daughter's point of view. Ask yourself what actions and behaviours you need to avoid to repair the relationship. Then meet her face to face (perhaps with someone close to your daughter who could be a mediator of sorts) and tell her how feel. Telling her you love her in spite of anything that happened in the past (and mentioning that you want to leave the past in the past) may be a good place to start.

- Peter Stern, Toronto

The karmic approach

Give yourself credit for having the strength to push through until now. Your daughter is becoming an adult, meaning that she is embarking on a series of perspective-altering experiences. She will meet new people and learn things about herself and the world that she can't even imagine now. These changes may bring her to reconsider her relationship with you. Keep hurt, anger and blame out of your communications and she may come back one day. But you must come to terms with the fact that she may not. Ultimately, the only way forward is for you to continue living your life. Treasure your other daughter and your new husband, and your friends who love and value you. Be a force for good in the world and it will balance out your sorrows.

- Elise Moser, Montreal

The Final Word

Dear Missing,

Your daughter was ensnared by your divorce. Children, as a rule, are not methodical schemers bent on and able to execute such sophisticated and damning betrayal. They have other ways of exacting pain - a kick to the shin, a swiped lunch, pulled hair - mercifully straightforward and brutishly physical play in comparison to adult warfare. The error here - the fault really - is between you and your first husband.

However fraught the circumstances, you did not insist on a working infrastructure to make sound decisions for your younger daughter's guardianship. She got lost in that chasm and is still suffering for it. You are the scapegoat for her sorrow. And given your narrative, I will presume that your first husband is the scapegoat for yours.

I appreciate your attempts to reach out. Continue to call and send cards, but understand that these gestures are the equivalent of throwing bouquets at a zeppelin - a disproportionately meagre response to an epic hurt. Your daughter is waiting for something much more substantial.

To meet her expectations, as Change Your Direction Stern advises, your focus must be entirely on your daughter. Forfeit your version of history for hers. Like a committed detective, sink yourself into her perspective. This reconnaissance will accumulate in an acknowledgment of your responsibility for that fateful decision all of those years ago. That, among other things, is what she is waiting for.

Whether you choose to do this work with a counsellor or on your own, invite your daughter into the process when you are clear and stalwart in your position - a freighter. As Be a Force for Good Moser encourages, she needs your message to be uncomplicated. With grace and surety, articulate your apology for the fumbling of her guardianship and the subsequent fallout. Most important, reiterate your unconditional love.

Finally, buoy your words with action. She says that she does not like your new husband; at this tender, reparative point, perhaps, she needs you all to herself. For now, when you visit, give her that. In her experience, there has been nothing but threats to your bond.

Next week's question

Click here to contribute your widsom - or submit your own dilemma. (We will not publish your name if you submit a personal dilemma for the print column.)

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Claudia Dey's plays, Beaver, The Gwendolyn Poems and Trout Stanley, have been staged across Canada. Her first novel, Stunt, was published by Coach House Books. Her website is ClaudiaDey.com.

Claudia Dey's first novel, Stunt, was published by Coach House Books in April. Her website is ClaudiaDey.com.