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Dear Dr. Wolf,

My husband is always butting heads with my 15-year-old son. Meanwhile, he has hardly any conflict with our 16-year-old daughter. Is this normal?

An example: My husband tells both children to clean their rooms. Our daughter says she will, but doesn't do it right away. Our son squeaks about it and takes his time doing it as well. But my husband only seems to notice that our son hasn't jumped to it immediately, and an argument ensues.

This is when I jump in to mediate, which only causes bad feelings. My husband thinks I'm not supporting him; I think he needs to relax. I tell him that I support him, but it is unrealistic to think our kids should behave as if they are in the military. This crazy behaviour is causing problems between father and son, and husband and wife.

- Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught in the Middle,

As parents, we're trained to think we should always treat our kids equally. But if you're a human being and you have more than one child, you will treat them differently. You can't help it.

Perhaps one of them reminds you of a not-so-endearing relative.

"Jimmy gets that look - the same one my older brother Louie used to get. Don't try and tell me Jimmy isn't thinking that he would like to smack me."

Maybe one of them reminds you of yourself.

"I know my Rachel. She is just like I was when I was her age, and it breaks my heart. I know how much I suffered back then."

Some of the time we are aware of it, but much of the time we aren't. And when we try to correct it, it's usually with limited success. So much of what we do with our children - loving them as desperately as we do - is more reaction than carefully planned child-raising technique.

But that's okay, because we love them and we try our best. And having a parent who really cares about you - parenting flaws and all - is far better than having a parent who is not involved. What matters is the overall quality of the parenting, not treating your kids equally all the time. (No matter what you do, your kids will never think you treat them equally, anyway. It's an obsession with them. "Omigod, you gave Andre all the bigger jellybeans.")

It sounds like your husband does care. The way he treats your son versus your daughter is not the important issue here. If you want to focus on your husband's treatment of your son, what's most relevant is that you feel he's too harsh.

But you may want to change your approach.

Your husband is right. Intervening when he and your son argue undermines his authority with your son. It says to your son - there is no way around it - that you and his father are not a unified team. And you run the risk of unintentionally sending your son an additional message: One way of getting you on his side is for him to get into an altercation with his father.

If you're worried that a confrontation may get physical you should intervene. Otherwise, it's a mistake. Your husband's feeling of being undermined will totally negate any effect of your words.

If you don't like what your husband is doing, it's far better to say at a later time, "I think you are too strict with our son."

Or perhaps: "You're right, our son is disrespectful with you." (You are backing him on what most certainly is his central grievance and not something you can convince him of otherwise). And then you may say, "But once you speak to him, I think all that happens is that it gets worse, and it's really unpleasant for me."

Do not expect him to agree: "Gosh. You really think so? I'll try to change." But he hears you, and it does have an impact.

And you can talk to your son, too. This is tricky because you don't want to be critical of his dad. That will only get you the unhelpful teenage default position: "Dad's a jerk. It's all his fault. I don't have to look at my own behaviour."

So what you may say is, "I know you feel that your dad is too strict." (You are recognizing his feelings, and perhaps he knows that you feel that way, too. But you don't say it. To say it breaks the unified stance.) Then add: "But you could make my life and yours a whole lot nicer if you would do what your dad asks without making a fuss every time."

If your son is a typical teenager you will probably hear something like: "I don't make a fuss. Dad is unreasonable. I would do what he asks much sooner if he didn't act like such a jerk."

But, again, you have made your point and your son hears it. Your statement recognizes his feelings, but at the same time does not absolve him from all responsibility. You do not want to say anything further.

Though your son probably will.

"Besides, Dad always asks me when I'm really tired. And also, did I tell you about how my arm's been hurting? It does. Look, can you see it? It's kind of red there. You're not looking at the right place. Right there."

Clinical psychologist Anthony E. Wolf is the author of six parenting books, including Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager.

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Dr. Anthony E. Wolf at awolf@globeandmail.com