Are you a fool in love? Dealing with a tricky relationship problem? Not sure what to do next?
Globe Life advice columnist Claudia Dey was online earlier to take your questions and offer her words of unbiased wisdom.
Ms. Dey's column, Group Therapy, appears in Globe Life every Thursday. She's offered advice to everyone from a woman fed up with online dating , to a woman who wants kids but is with a man who doesn't , to a man who can't choose between his job and his girlfriend .
Your questions and Ms. Dey's answers appear at the bottom of this page.
When she was born, Ms. Dey was declared a soothsayer and a bartendress of the soul. Much of her childhood was spent keeping other people's secrets and when in need, building them life rafts out of advice. Older now, she aspires to be a northern Ann Landers — sans pearls, avec cigar.
Ms. Dey writes plays in her spare time. Her works, Beaver, The Gwendolyn Poems, and Trout Stanley, have been anthologized, translated into French and German, staged across Canada, and once in the former Communist headquarters of New York City. They have been nominated for the Governor General's Award, the Trillium Award and the Dora Award for Outstanding New Play.
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A Canadian Girl from Toronto Canada writes: I have a boyfriend who is a little on the unsophisticated/unpolished side - while he is a neat eater, he refuses to put his napkin on his lap, nor does he know how to hold a fork and knife properly. I've nicely mentioned to him that 'most people' eat a certain way, but he doesn't think it's necessary. Is there a better way to speak to him about this issue?
Claudia Dey: Dear Canadian Girl, How long have you been with your Monsieur Doolittle? And how much does it matter to you that he evolve to become, in your words, polished?
Addressing someone's eating habits is nearly as intimate as giving them an instruction manual on kissing; while necessary for the dinee, it threatens to offend the diner. Only you can gage how your boyfriend will react to a more direct approach. Will he accept your observations and attempt to put them into practice - undoing decades of habit? Or, will he flee the tutorial - incensed by your presumption that he should aspire to the same manners as 'most people'?
At this point, your language surrounding the issue has been circumspect, coded. A 'nice mention' is too general an appeal. While of course I understand that you were flying in broad strokes around your target - sussing it out - now is the time for a bull's eye. The best strategy is always the most clear and transparent - one swept clean of all emotion. You do not want to be hesitant or coddling as this may make him suspect that your comments surrounding his eating habits cloak a larger concern - i.e. the tattered, slob-like state of his soul. Instead, frame your request in your adoration for him and suggest he try two simple things: placing his napkin on his lap and holding his cutlery like a gentleman. You can even employ a persuasive sultriness to turn this lesson into a game.
Love, when it works well, leads us to renewed versions of ourselves - ones willing to try all manner of novel experience from skydiving to oysters to death metal to French poetry. Encountering yourself through the lens of another is an act of ongoing initiation. Allow yourself to be studied too. Invite him to make a request, a suggestion, a dare. This kind of barter, when handled with respect and humour, can only enrich a relationship.
