In his new book, The Truth about Cheating, Gary Neuman elucidates the causes of male infidelity: Apparently, they're not just sex.
The Florida-based psychotherapist and rabbi interviewed 100 faithful and 100 unfaithful husbands over two years and emerged with some grim statistics: 93 per cent of cheating husbands do not confess, and 81 per cent deny it when pressed. Seventy-seven per cent have a close friend who cheated, meaning infidelity rubs off.
Still, Mr. Neuman found that most men don't find their mistresses much more physically attractive than their wives, but do feel more loved in their company. This and the book's subtitle – Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It – have drawn the ire of critics who say the author is blaming wives for their husbands' indiscretions. We reached Mr. Neuman in the Catskills Mountains, N.Y.
What surprised you most about cheaters?
It was phenomenal to learn that the men who cheated actually saw themselves as very emotional beings. Women have to understand that men are far more insecure and impressionable than they let on. Men very much want to please their wives. Appreciating [husbands] is not going to give them a free ride – it's quite the opposite. Men keep telling me that when they felt they could win at home, when they felt that their wives were admiring or appreciative, that motivated them. … Many of the men that cheated said they felt that no matter what they did, they could not win at home … whereas with a mistress they felt they were getting verbal and emotional support.
You keep reiterating that cheating is not about sex.
Only 8 per cent of the men said that sexual dissatisfaction at home was a primary contributor. The No. 1 answer, 48 per cent, was emotional dissatisfaction at home. And that fit with another amazing statistic: 88 per cent of the men said the mistress was no better-looking or was not in better shape than their own wives. It's not about sex. It's much more about a lack of thoughtful gestures at home.
What kind of gestures are you talking about?
They were verbal first of all: “I like that.” “I appreciate how hard you worked.” “What a good dad you are [for] the time you take with the kid and me.” Whenever I ask people to write an appreciation list about their spouse, it's a very short list. The most common things missing are, “Great dad, great career person, makes money for the family.” People always say to me, “Well, he's supposed to do that.” You only get appreciation if you are above and beyond the call of duty. That's unfair, for men and women. Beyond that, it's the little things. It's the call to say I love you, it might be cooking or getting the particular food item that he likes. It might be having sex. It's sending that message: “You're a winner for me and I want to be in love with you.” That message will come back to you if you take the first step to do that.
You say cheating is not about sex, but 32 per cent of the cheaters you interviewed said they were sexually dissatisfied, 68 per cent said the sex was “different” with a mistress and 22 per cent noted that the mistress offered sexual options that the wife did not. Clearly, sex is a factor.
I don't mean to underestimate and say that sex is not an issue. … Women are bombarded with media messages that they have to have a PhD in prostitution education or else their husband's going to cheat. Men are not unsatisfied with the sex they're having. They just want to have more sex. That's how they connect and that's meaningful to them.
Do you think wives should work to be more like mistresses?
