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This past summer, during a dinner I had with an accomplished family lawyer, a single woman in her early 50s, the conversation covered many subjects - divorce, marriage, men, work, travel, dating and, at one point, alcohol. I wanted to know what she thought of the relationship between women and wine.

Yes, I said relationship.

"It's huge," she replied. Many of her female clients talk about their use of alcohol during the breakup of their marriage and in the throes of divorce, she said. (I remember joking to my divorce lawyer about "self-medicating with wine" when I was in the worst period of the separation.) My dinner companion went on to say that among her single friends, and for herself, too, alcohol is often a form of companionship in the evenings.

Mr. Pinot is a constant in their lives. He helps them relax.

Men can develop a relationship with alcohol, too, marriage therapists and addiction counsellors subsequently told me. But anecdotally, from my conversations with friends, it appears that women are more inclined than men to talk about it with each other. And that could be because female friendships are often confessional.

I am not suggesting that we are all lurching toward alcoholism if we enjoy wine on a regular basis, but I have often wondered about when it becomes a problem. And in light of medical studies that recommend moderate alcohol consumption for women - no more than seven drinks a week - it is worth looking at the uncomfortable subject of how alcohol can become a coping mechanism in domestic life.

At a party of thirtysomething couples earlier this year, some of the women, who were stay-at-home moms, were talking about the joys and challenges of their family lives. One joked that she phones a friend, also a mother at home with a toddler, in the late afternoon and says, "It's 5 p.m. It's time for our glass of wine."

I often did that, too, when my children were young. And when they are teenagers, there's nothing like a glass of wine with your partner to deal with the stresses of raising them.

But are we aware when it gets out of hand? A friend of mine, who is now divorced, once told me that the isolation she felt when raising her three children as a stay-at-home mom (her husband worked late) often led her to polish off a bottle of wine over the course of the supper hour while she chatted intermittently with another mother on the phone. "We laughed about it," she recalls. But she went on to develop an alcohol problem, which contributed to the demise of her marriage, she says.

The influence of alcohol on domestic life is a vast and complex subject, but one area is clear. Studies show that when a marriage is rocky, alcohol use by both men and women increases, reports Stephen Madigan, a therapist in Vancouver, who works with individuals and couples.

"Couples take a [marital] problem and often put it on one partner," he explains. "One of them says, 'I'm okay, and you're not okay,' so it's like an attack, and that person feels hurt, and to soothe that pain, people often turn to alcohol."

The problem can be worse for women, he says, because they often carry the burden of a failed relationship.

"As a culture, we hold the unfortunate view that women are responsible for the emotional well-being of a relationship. When a relationship fails, women often look to a deficit in themselves. They wonder, 'What did I do wrong? What's wrong with me?' There is a lot of soul-searching."

Having a drink to combat the pain is understandable, therapists say. But people should always be conscious of why they turn to it. "It's okay if someone says, ' I need it until I don't need it,' " says Rochelle Thompson, a Toronto-based marriage therapist and certified alcohol and drug addiction counsellor. "When you use it, you need to be aware of its function. It's not a nothing. Alcohol works. It helps them forget. It helps them create some distance. It passes the time. It makes you feel less alone."

A problem with alcohol arises "when it takes precedence over being healthy," she says. For many people, being healthy post-divorce means finding ways to regain confidence, such as going to the gym or going out with friends to events and parties, she explains. Drinking at home in isolation may feel like a solution, "but it's not going to lead to anything. It just covers up the problem."

Other signs of alcoholism include rationalizations about the need to drink, secrecy about consumption, and outspokenness about the right to have alcohol, she adds.

The most interesting insight Ms. Thompson has about alcohol is the role it can play in becoming a substitute partner.

"It's like a person to some people," she explains. "I wouldn't say that happens only to addicts. If you feel that way, it really is a problem. People actually identify [their use of alcohol] as a relationship. And the reason is that alcohol gives you an immediate response."

Mr. Pinot, in other words, is a comfort at times. He is always there when you want him. He makes you feel good. But you have to be aware of the dynamics between you, and be able to end the connection when it is no longer normal.

Says Ms. Thompson: "People know if they really pay attention."