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Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer up a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Claudia Dey.

A reader writes: I've been married with children for many mostly happy years. We have an understanding that we would be open to the idea of a group marriage.

As the years went on, and our dream partners never materialized, my husband began pushing for an open relationship. I gave in and he started seeing another woman. This dynamic was very unpleasant until, two years ago, his girlfriend and I fell in love, too.

Problem is, she has a long-term boyfriend who sleeps around. I'm worried about STDs. My husband and girlfriend want an open relationship; I want a lovingly closed triad and a stable home for our children.

If I concede, I imagine a life of stress. If I leave, my heart and theirs will break - and we have to consider the children, who love all three of us. Also, I don't have any right to ask my girlfriend to break up with her boyfriend as their relationship predates ours.

SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE

I have some direct experience with open relationships, and I can say that communication is exponentially more important in an open relationship. The first thing you need to do is identify all your fears. Write down all the things that would give you "a life of stress," and then have a meeting with your husband and girlfriend to express your concerns. Maybe even put together a meeting agenda. Propose possible solutions and solicit feedback and other solutions you may not have thought of. I'm sure they would go to great lengths to address your concerns. That's what a good open relationship is all about: more people to receive love and support from (and give to as well).

- Peter Stern, Toronto

PUT THE CHILDREN FIRST

The simple answer is, you are outnumbered. Unless you can change your husband and girlfriend's minds, you will not have the "lovingly closed triad" you want. Is the open marriage satisfying enough to stay in? If you cannot live with it as it is, and your husband and girlfriend are committed to the three of you being together, then talk it out. Give yourselves time to explore the possibilities. Be honest with yourself and with each other. And, of course, your children must be the priority of everyone in your unusual family.

- Elise Moser, Montreal

NUMBERS DON'T MATTER

There aren't too many people out there, including myself, who are in the same situation. If your girlfriend loves you and your husband, she will be responsible enough to ensure that her other partners practise safe sex. In this case, the type of relationship you're in is irrelevant. It's about the love and respect for the person with whom you're having a sexual relationship. If you have your doubts, bring in the boyfriend and have a talk with him. It's not the curable sexually transmitted infections you have to worry about. Don't ruin your life for the price of a condom.

- Stéphan St.-André, Ottawa

THE FINAL WORD

Dear Wife and Girlfriend,

In his poker-faced response to your dilemma, It's About the Love St.-André gets right to the marrow: "Don't ruin your life for the price of a condom."

Wife and Girlfriend, you have children. Without getting needlessly geometrical, let me say that this makes for more than a triad. The fulcrum on which our amorous relationships sit shifts irredeemably when we have children; every decision we make has to be filtered through their possible futures.

Daring the parameters of a crush; a drunken moment in an elevator; the possibility of a slow death from an STD: all of these scenarios - from the flirtatious to the fatal - threaten your constancy in their lives.

I appreciate Communication Stern's informed counsel and sometimes wish I could send him sage in the mail. His is a wizened conferee approach. It strips your situation of its operatic emotions by urging you to list them as you might groceries or songs, thereby founding a practical rather than a desperate and worried forum. Heed this advice.

A meeting agenda can serve as the ultimate antidote to unpredictable and unruly times. Also important, he reminds you that by inviting your partners into the discussion you will end your angst-ridden solitude, and may even garner "solutions you may not have thought of."

If this approach buckles upon attempt - or feels like stuffing a voluptuary into a pressed suit - enlist the help of a counsellor. In most urban centres, you will find a thriving polyamory community and consequently ample resources for support.

Choose a mediator who is well versed in, and respectful of, the endless configurations of loving and how these present in commitments - open and otherwise.

In conclusion, and without a hint of moralizing, I return to my first point and Clarify Your Needs Moser's last: Your prime responsibility in this entanglement is your children. They must operate as your conscience through these difficult admissions and decisions.

If, after a lucid dialogue, you continue to be in a triad that risks your health and well-being, then you must recalibrate - not for your sake, but for theirs.

Next week's question

Click here to contribute your widsom - or submit your own dilemma. (We will not publish your name if you submit a personal dilemma for the print column.)

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Claudia Dey's first novel, Stunt, was published by Coach House Books in April. Her website is ClaudiaDey.com.