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Got a teen who ignores curfew? Who's underachieving at school? Who's crabby 24/7? If you have a question about parenting teens, clinical psychologist and parenting author Anthony E. Wolf would like to help. Send your questions to awolf@globeandmail.com to get Dr. Wolf's expert advice. Your question may be featured in his advice column, which appears every two weeks in the print edition of Globe Life. (Your name will not be published.)

Recently I observed a mother and her teenaged daughter sitting across from each other at McDonald's. I couldn't hear their conversation, but clearly the teenager was quite displeased with what her mother was saying. The daughter took a shopping bag and placed it in front of her on the table so that her mother was talking to the bag.

It's the type of teen behaviour that parents of younger children anticipate with dread. A question I hear so often from parents whose beloved darling is creeping up on adolescence is: "Is there anything - anything - I can do now that will save me all that horrible teenage unpleasantness?"

You know the kind of unpleasantness: Talking back. Actively seeking to shut you out. Not wanting to be with you. Uncommunicative in the extreme. Bursting with attitude: Everything about you and everything you say is stupid, beneath them. Sneaking and lying a lot, especially about potentially risky behaviours - sex, drugs, drinking - and seeming to think there is nothing wrong with their deceit.

"That's it. That's what I'm talking about. Isn't there something I can do to head it off?"

Not exactly.

Is it inevitable that all teenagers will be extremely unpleasant with their parents?

No. Some teenagers are openly loving, usually respectful and often fun to be with.

Who are those children? Other people's. What is their parents' secret? They are lucky.

Let's assume you're not going to be quite so lucky.

It helps to understand what it is about becoming a teenager that transforms loving little children into something quite different. There are two specific components of adolescence that, more than anything else, are responsible for all that unpleasantness.

The first is their developing sexuality. They now have sexual feelings, which lead them into many behaviours that we are not comfortable with. So they lie about it. And just the emergence of their sexuality is something teens want to keep private from their parents. That sexuality becomes a major force behind their wish to shut you out of their lives.

Second, and most important: The adolescent mandate is that they must experience themselves as independent beings. As part of normal psychological development, teenagers feel they must turn away from parents as their main source of well-being and security. Their love for you - which is still there - makes them feel like a dependent baby, and that is no longer okay.

Add to this the fact that kids today, especially adolescents, aren't afraid of you. Harsh punishment - smacks on the face, getting out the belt - is no longer part of standard parenting practice. This is good. But as a result, kids today talk back to their parents in a way that was unthinkable a couple of generations ago.

So the major causes of the most common unpleasant teen behaviour are not really possible to change. Eliminate sexuality? Go back to the harsh parenting methods of past generations? Take back all of the love and attention that you gave them that made them love and feel dependent on you? None of these are realistic options.

What does that leave?

You can be prepared. Here are some helpful facts that can help to insulate you from much - but not all - of the stress that can accompany raising an adolescent.

It's a stage. It doesn't last forever. You don't have to turn to extreme means to stamp it out because it will end on its own. Usually by the end of high school, if not before.

It's not personal - even if it very much feels that way and they try hard to make it feel that way. "What exactly is it that you don't like about your father?" "Everything." It's just the normal temporary teenage allergy to a parent.

Accept and don't be too defensive about any flaws you have - because you will certainly hear about all of them.

The secret of what to do about backtalk is that the more you react to it, the more of it you will get. Say what you have to say and disengage as fast as you can - because they will not. Of course, this rule applies with backtalk at any age, so you can start practising immediately.

If you have been, and continue to be, a loving parent - one who is also willing to make demands and sometimes say "No" - the odds are strongly in your favour that your child will turn out okay.

The bottom line: Adolescence cannot be avoided, but it can be a lot less stressful if you learn to roll with the punches.

Clinical psychologist Anthony E. Wolf is the author of six parenting books, including Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager.

Got a teen who ignores curfew? Who's underachieving at school? Who's crabby 24/7? If you have a question about parenting teens, clinical psychologist and parenting author Anthony E. Wolf would like to help. Send your questions to awolf@globeandmail.com to get Dr. Wolf's expert advice. Your question may be featured in his advice column, which appears every two weeks in the print edition of Globe Life. (Your name will not be published.)