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Remember those wonderful years in your marriage when you and your husband decided that the whole have-it-all thing that you were trying to do with the career and the kids didn't make sense? He supported your decision to stay at home, and it was bliss.

In divorce, that decision is often the source of the most mean-spirited, painful fight. If you thought the mommy wars were bad, this related war - call it the spousal support slaughter - is worse.

Some men receive spousal support, of course, but in the vast majority of cases - at least 99 per cent, family lawyers say - women do. As the most contentious issue in divorce, it is where the choices that people and their former spouses made about how to manage their family are addressed - and not always fairly.

Not for those most likely to pay it, that is. The husbands. And it hurts women, too, but in unexpected ways.

Almost everything else about divorce is formulaic and decided by law. There are rules about property division, and legislated guidelines for child support. But spousal support is discretionary. There is a complex calculation based on, among other factors, length of the marriage, age of the children, and age of the spouse to be supported. But the guidelines are not law, and therefore subject to argument.

Those guidelines have changed significantly in recent years, and in many ways the amendments were important. In 1992, a landmark case at the Supreme Court of Canada introduced the notion of compensatory support. If, for example, a woman had adjusted her work habits to accommodate the care of the couple's children, she could argue for a payment from her ex that was indefinite in endurance. Even when the children left home, even if she remarried, and even if she re-entered the work force full time, she could get support to make up for her diminished lifetime income that resulted from a decision years earlier to shift her work-life priorities in favour of caring for the children.

But ironically, what is a victory for women's choices and an important effort to address the feminization of poverty post-divorce is also, in many cases, a harmful disincentive for women to find identity, meaning and self-sufficiency through work.

It is both an advancement and a regression, if taken too far, for women's issues. But few in the legal community are willing to publicly discuss the politically sensitive topic.

"The mindset among the judiciary is that women need to be sheltered and helped," explains one family lawyer, who asked for anonymity. "They are afraid of appearing heartless if they don't side with women."

Stories about the fights between ex-spouses over this issue are legion. Men often argue that their exes should get back to work, even if they once encouraged their wives' decision to stay home, a choice that had clearly facilitated their own careers. "They often don't appreciate how difficult it is for women to switch gears," says Linda Meldrum, a family lawyer in Toronto. Many can also be oblivious to the lack of opportunities faced by an older woman who has been out of the work force for a number of years.

But women often abuse the system. "There are women who see it as a sense of entitlement," another lawyer says. "And there are cases where women cry wolf to try to get themselves off the hook for having to work," he adds.

Many divorced men complain about having to support an ex-wife who finds a reason - medical, emotional or circumstantial - why she cannot work. One male reader wrote to me about having to pay spousal and child support to his ex-wife, who is living with a boyfriend in comfortable circumstances. Out of spite, she won't let him see his children, he says. He is barely scraping by. "I am paying for her fancy holidays with her boyfriend," he fumes.

But even if women deserve spousal support, it is worth examining how it can become a golden handcuff.

For one thing, it is a form of remaining married. "All the women I know who are receiving support from their ex-husbands spend all their time talking about them. They are worried he might lose his job. Then what will happen to their support? Or they complain about how he's late with the payment," explained one female reader who chose to waive spousal support even though she had reduced her work as a midwife to look after their four children when they were young. She has since reinvigorated her career to support herself.

The mommy wars provide little resolution about how to balance work and family life. But if there's an argument for mothers to pursue interests outside of the home, divorce is it.

Keeping a hand in life outside of the wife and mother identity is crucial, whether that means working full time or part time, becoming a mompreneur or returning to school. It is easier to return to the work force full-time when you don't have a 10-year gap on your résumé.

The divorced women I know who continued working in some capacity through their marriages and children, and later ramped up those initiatives post-divorce, relish the feeling of independence. It is a powerful, though scary, thing to waive spousal support or accept a more limited stopgap version of it.

In all the discussions about female identity as mother and wife, the work identity should not be underestimated. It gives women purpose and meaning, an engagement with the world that is priceless.

The recovering momaholics I know - those who gave up everything in pursuit of being full-time caregivers - suffer greatly over questions about who they are or what they should do. And I'm not just talking about divorced women. Those who are lucky enough to remain happily married should remember: Your job as 24/7 mom eventually disappears. And it's great to have another one to give your full attention.