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There's a joke about mothers-in-law: Two men sit in a pub. One says, "My mother-in-law is an angel." His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

While men have generally mastered the art of skirting in-law tension with jokes, at the cusp of the holiday season many wives are dreading the annual arrival of the "monster-in-law."

Long lampooned, this type of mother has the uncanny ability to skewer her daughter-in-law's looks, ambitions, parenting and domestic performance with a well-placed jab at the dinner table, all with the evasive consent of her son.

But the mother-in-law is equally vulnerable and misunderstood, says Terri Apter, a Cambridge University psychologist whose new book on the topic, What Do You Want From Me?, will be released in Canada next summer.

At the core of the hostility are two women vying for recognition, and the infighting can be sophisticated and traumatic.

"It's a problematic relationship," says Dr. Apter, who presented a seminar on her research last week in London, England.

Dr. Apter, a senior tutor at Cambridge's Newnham College, interviewed 156 people, including 49 couples and their in-laws, and observed family gatherings whenever possible.

Fifty per cent of wives said the relationship with their mother-in-law was "strained and uncomfortable;" 14 per cent felt relations were "hostile." Meanwhile, 55 per cent of the mothers-in-law said they were "disappointed" in the relationship with their daughter-in-law.

Daughters-in-law complained that the mothers were expressing a jealous, smothering maternal love that compromised their own status in the family. Mothers-in-law complained that wives were blatantly working to exclude them from their sons' lives.

"[The wives] want to be the A-women in the family," Dr. Apter says. "From the mother's point of view, it's 'Now that my son has a primary relationship with another woman, will he still value me? As a couple, will they allow me to participate in their lives?' And very poignantly, it's 'Will I have access to my grandchildren?' "

The psychologist argues that husbands rarely experience such high emotions with their in-laws. "Sons-in-law ... they were better at keeping a low profile in the home, and when there was tension between their mother and their wife they often didn't notice it."

"They felt that one or the other of the women was being too sensitive or seeing things that weren't there," Dr. Apter says.

But some hostility is too blatant to deny. Beverly Freid founded motherinlawstories.com with her husband, Alan, in New Hampshire. The stories on her site, which has 4,681 registered posters worldwide, are straight out of Monster-in-Law, the poorly reviewed Jane Fonda/J-Lo movie.

"A lot of the things we've heard are really unreasonable: The mother-in-law doesn't like the choice of the baby name, so instead of calling the child by the name they gave him, she'll call him [by a name of her own relative]," Ms. Freid says.

"We've seen a mother say, 'Well, I'm glad my son can see beyond your looks.' There are gift certificates for liposuction or plastic surgery. We have mothers-in-law who sobbed uncontrollably at the wedding."

At least two large Facebook groups have been devoted to dissing the mother-in-law. Largely populated with peeved wives, the sites brim with horror stories, and also with threats.

"I Wanna Feed My Mother-in-law to a Crocodile" counts 302 members. Here, one woman tells of slipping her mother-in-law a laxative-laced birthday cake, while a Norwegian man (one of few males on the sites) posts that mother-in-law is an anagram for "woman Hitler." Another site, "I Hate My Mother-In-Law," has 456 members from as far away as New Zealand, Italy and the United Arab Emirates.

Some wives complain that mothers-in-law hover around their children, while others resent getting unsolicited advice about their decisions to keep working or return to school.

Dr. Apter says the battles are deeply rooted in female gender relations: "However feminist a woman is in her broader outlook, when she's a mother of a son she has a maternal bias which means her son's happiness, his comforts and his career tend to come first. And she's often not aware of that bias and how obvious it is to the daughter-in-law."

Some rifts are so volatile that the marriages crumble, or mom is ousted.

Like many other wives on the Facebook sites, Myriam Wight, a professional dog groomer in Sault Ste. Marie, Ont., maintains that her mother-in-law (whom Ms. Wight calls "the old bat") set out to destroy her relationship.

The mother of five met her husband nine years ago at a bar. She claims his mom rebuked him for dating a woman with children. When the couple had their own child together, "she took it upon herself to come to my house uninvited to come and see if my son had any resemblance to her son," Ms. Wight said.

"I realized that ... no matter what, no one will ever be good enough for her son, especially the ones who have an already-made family, which in her mind was tarnishing the family name."

The couple married, but hid their union from his in-laws for three years. The relations worsened and Ms. Wight banned her husband's family from her home. The couple are now considering a separation.

Dr. Apter, who will become a mother-in-law in April, says she finds the Facebook groups "upsetting," and instead suggests a delicate dance to keep mother's meddling at bay, be it dinner out for no reason, or regular compliments.

"Of course that doesn't mean that she can have everything her own way, but if you assure [her] that she has some real value, you may be able to prevent her from seeking reassurance in a way you find intrusive or destructive."

She also suggests that husbands compliment their wives in front of critical mothers.

Brenda Zacharuk, a registered marriage and family therapist in Vancouver and White Rock, B.C., gives assertiveness training to sons who are cowed by overbearing moms.

Ms. Zacharuk recommends that husbands use "sandwiching techniques:" Tell mom that she's loved, but that her unsolicited advice about his wife's cooking and parenting is not welcome. "It's about defending his own family's boundaries."