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Got a teen who ignores curfew? Who's underachieving at school? Who's crabby 24/7? If you have a question about parenting teens, clinical psychologist and parenting author Anthony E. Wolf would like to help. Send your questions to awolf@globeandmail.com to get Dr. Wolf's expert advice. Your question may be featured in his advice column, which appears every two weeks in the print edition of Globe Life. (Your name will not be published.)

'What has Graham done in the past year to deserve anything? I'll tell you what he's done to deserve nothing. I don't have all day, so I'll list five.

1. On numerous occasions - too many to count - when I was in the middle of talking to him, he just left.

2. Three weeks ago when my friend Clarisse was over, he called me "stupid" right in front of her.

3. More than once, he has smoked pot in the house with his buddies and denies it - even gets mad - when I confront him.

4. Two days ago - and this kind of thing happens regularly - I asked him if he could bring me a glass of diet root beer with ice since he was going to the kitchen, and he acted like this was the biggest imposition in the world.

5. Over the past year, he has given new meaning to the word sullen.

And I'm supposed to give him presents? Why would I want to do that?"

In a famous seasonal song, children are warned that they better watch out because a certain gentleman knows if they've been bad or good.

So what do you do if, on Santa's great list balancing scale, your child has tipped far down on the negative side this year? Should you still be generous during the holidays?

"Ho! Ho! Ho! You can't do that. Then they won't learn what's naughty or nice."

Santa's point is that if your teen has acted like a jerk all year, yet still gets loving attention and nice presents as if he had been an angel - what does that teach him? Doesn't it tell him he can get away with any kind of behaviour?

I have a different view than the jolly round man. Imbued in the holiday season is the idea that it is a time to give, especially to those we love. I am a strong advocate of what I call "the unconditional deal."

As a parent, there is much that I give you, automatically, because you are my child. Though I may, at the time, react negatively in response to unpleasant things you do, there are things you will receive, anyway - love, care, attention, holiday cheer and even gifts - no matter what. And if times are tough and there are fewer presents, I still want to make sure that I give you your fullest dose of holiday warmth.

Your teen does learn a lesson from this, and it's not that they can get away with bad behaviour. He learns that you give to him whether he has acted well or not because that is what a parent does. You try to make your child happy, and he gets that.

What your teen will think is not:

"My parents are such total wusses that I can do anything. They give me stuff anyway. What naive jerks. How can you respect people who are so stupid?"

In fact, it's a lot closer to this:

"I don't know. They sure can be jerks, and I totally hate them sometimes. And I know that sometimes I don't exactly act right - they deserve it, mind you, because they acted like jerks to me. Still, they did give me nice presents and they were nice to me. And the only reason that I can think of is because of some kind of deal that is bigger than what goes on day to day. The deal has to be that I am their child and they are still my parents - same as it always was."

The holiday season can be a time to see the bigger picture: They are our kids and we want to give them as much of our love as we possibly can. We want to give them care and attention, and if gifts are part of the holiday season, then that too. This can only be good for them - and for us. We can easily lose sight of this in the frequent day-to-day awfulness.

Maybe with the holiday season, we can rise above all of that - at least a little.

"Ho! Ho! Ho! I'll tell you one thing. I'm not coming to your town."

Got a teen who ignores curfew? Who's underachieving at school? Who's crabby 24/7? If you have a question about parenting teens, clinical psychologist and parenting author Anthony E. Wolf would like to help. Send your questions to awolf@globeandmail.com to get Dr. Wolf's expert advice. Your question may be featured in his advice column, which appears every two weeks in the print edition of Globe Life. (Your name will not be published.)